So I think I got the clap.

[Tyche]

When I said Linliel fails at reading the lines, I meant literally, in this thread. Sock's wife never said that she was forced into having sex, Socks inferred that, saying "he was more than likely quite forcible about it..." So we can interpret this statement a couple of different ways. Sock knows a known rapist, and if this is the case, Socks would have went strait to the police. I never heard this come up. Or, Socks is using sensational wordplay (likely) by justifying a man's strong persuasive ability at getting a married woman in the sack.

[Lordwafik]

Joss whedon rapes his wife

[Sythe]

lol. if all it took was "aww man my grandma died i need to talk to you alone at my place " i think she knew what was going on.

[Howard Roark]

Not gonna lie, as soon as I became certain it was her fault, I'd be getting arrested real fast.

[Lockecole7]

OMG she says he "was forcible about it" with her and you're wanting to kick her ass about it? What the fuck sort of jerk are you?

I swear Americans are so hung up about sex -- if you went off and screwed around you'd be fucking awesome but she is essentially raped and *she's* the slut? Fucking hell.

Take some time out, think about it from both your perspectives, don't be a dickhead!

Never reproduce.

~FIN

[Apelila]

Linliel, you've got people ripping on you because Sock implied its his perception that she was raped. IE, the story makes him think his wife threw their friend a pity fuck in an extreme moment of bad judgment.

Sock, do you think it was rape or she was baited into it? Because if it was rape, then you have your answer. Get her to press charges, and if she refuses, bam! she's lying.

If she was baited into it then you have a much harder dilemma. Do you trust her side that she had a moment of bad judgment? Was she really 'baited' into it, just going along with it? Its a shitty situation, and one I don't envy.

also:

maybe someone else can pipe up with something close to the same situation, still have yet to see that.

As your learning, it's not a fun thing to go through. Also, your's isn't unique but the reasons behind each event are, at least enough to the point that not everyone gets insight. Hell, I still don't know what or how often stuff happened to me behind my back, I just know that it happened.

My advice is that you are in a situation right now that you can come out of much better if you can talk honestly to your wife and try and learn as much as you can. See if it honestly was poor judgment on her part, it sounds like it if she's truly upset.
At the very least you may come to understand any problems she has with the relationship, which is what you should be looking at this point. Do you want it to continue, CAN you continue it? Try and focus your feelings but don't let them make the decisions, and you can come out of this much better than if you break all ties and leave everything in a shit storm.

[Metah]

Apelila, you are now aware I am talking to you.

[Neosutra]

Linliel, you've got people ripping on you because Sock implied its his perception that she was raped. IE, the story makes him think his wife threw their friend a pity fuck in an extreme moment of bad judgment.

Sock, do you think it was rape or she was baited into it? Because if it was rape, then you have your answer. Get her to press charges, and if she refuses, bam! she's lying.

If she was baited into it then you have a much harder dilemma. Do you trust her side that she had a moment of bad judgment? Was she really 'baited' into it, just going along with it? Its a shitty situation, and one I don't envy.

also:
As your learning, it's not a fun thing to go through. Also, your's isn't unique but the reasons behind each event are, at least enough to the point that not everyone gets insight. Hell, I still don't know what or how often stuff happened to me behind my back, I just know that it happened.

My advice is that you are in a situation right now that you can come out of much better if you can talk honestly to your wife and try and learn as much as you can. See if it honestly was poor judgment on her part, it sounds like it if she's truly upset.
At the very least you may come to understand any problems she has with the relationship, which is what you should be looking at this point. Do you want it to continue, CAN you continue it? Try and focus your feelings but don't let them make the decisions, and you can come out of this much better than if you break all ties and leave everything in a shit storm.

I think everyone knows it is quite clear there was no rape, and probably no "forcing". Her regret that she got caught manifested itself in her victimized apologitc attempt to place the blame outside herself. Had Sock not caught the clap and not found out, she would never had told him.

Think about that Sock, before you decide to forgive her and move on. Think about that before you take the road that would seem easier to you and place the blame on the man. She would never have told you. Odds are, it wasnt her first time.

Whats more statistically likely: A person gains a sexual STD from one time of infedelity, or multiple? You have your answer. Cheaters dont cheat once, and they dont confess unless caught.

This wasnt the first time she cheated, nor the last. Your lucky all you got was the clap. Drop her now. Ive dealt alot with this, get the hell out now.

Oh, and to get back to her, make her call her father and mother on speaker phone with you there and confess what she did, then dump her. She doesnt get to leave this as the victim.

[sock]

Sock, do you think it was rape or she was baited into it?
If she was baited into it then you have a much harder dilemma. Do you trust her side that she had a moment of bad judgment? Was she really 'baited' into it, just going along with it? Its a shitty situation, and one I don't envy.

At the very least you may come to understand any problems she has with the relationship, which is what you should be looking at this point. Do you want it to continue, CAN you continue it?

Choped you quote up a bit.
Baited, maybe I kind of think so
Do I want to continue? Fuck yeah I do, but the problem now is I can't really look at her without get very angry.

As far as the him being forceful part, "justifying a man's strong persuasive ability at getting a married woman in the sack" fits it best from what I think

I still don't know what my plan is, I still have no idea where to go with it. For right now i'm just letting things be to see if I can even be around her for any given amount of time.

Had Sock not caught the clap and not found out, she would never had told him.

This is what I am most concerned about, she she of course said she would, but its hard to believe her.

At this point its hard to think its a one time thing also, she could have goten something from a one nighter, but I am giving her the benefit of the chance alot in the whole thing. One thing has to be different than she says of how it happened or she just had mega shit luck in everything that happened the whole fucking time

Im sorry if some of thins is not making much scene, had to work 10am>1am so I am very tired.

[Apelila]

Apelila, you are now aware I am talking to you.

Hmm? {I dont' understand}?

(I know he said its not rape) but people: Rape makes people act really, really weird. Especially if she somehow thought she either brought it on or it was her fault. Now, reading whats said its doubtful that this was rape, but I still want to say it in the face of all the 'omg she's a ho' posts.

Thats why I don't envy the position, from what you've posted you seem unsure yourself of the situation. It sounds like even though she may have been a willing participant, it seems like she knows a mistake was made and doesn't know what to do now OR she just lied, and separating the 2 is a job thats hard.

Thats why I originally asked if you thought something was going on before this. Speaking for myself in my past, I THOUGHT something was going on, but never wanted to press things because I knew that nothing would come of it and never had any proof.

If you can't do anything without being angry, I suggest a counselor. If you can't afford one, i'm sure other people here have suggestions. But being angry is only going to cloud your judgment, and having someone else who can talk to both of you might be best in this situation if your wife doesn't feel she can talk to you.

[sock]

I have been talking to her, just not looking at her as I do, it's a bit odd but its working for now.

Some more info, yes I thought something was going on before, but only when I noticed things going wrong in the lower region. I asked her about it and asked her if there was anything she needed to tell me. She then proceeded to attack me for thinking it and made feel so guilty about it that I passed it off as just something wrong with my skin, that just happened to be in that one area. Stupid I know.
She later mocked me about it on day asking "hows your STD doing?"
I wasn't until I had a painful slightly swollen spot in my thigh that I went to the doctor, turns out its a swollen lymph node due to the bacterial infection close by. She still denied it and again attacked me for thinking it was her fault. At that point I knew what it was and how I got it, not really any other way, and I flat told her I knew, she still denied it but eventually confessed.

Now she is trying to claim it as rape, saying its her fault for putting herself in the situation that made it possible. I said the obvious "why didn't you say anything or do something about it?" she said what your thinking she said about being ashamed, sadly, and I hurt greatly to tell her, I didn't believe it. Due to the attacking, mocking, denying, and the original different story I was told about what happened.

I know it seems I am simply dragging this on and on, but I honestly don't have anyone I can talk to about it. It's sad but the 4 good friends I have are mutual friends and in the case of it was rape, I don't know if she wants them to know. I feel pathetic for looking for advice from an FFXI endgame LS forum board, on what I should do about my cheating wife and I don't feel comfortable talking about it anyone I actually know.
So anyone who is responding, anyone who is giving there input, ideas, experiences, thank you. Call me a pussy, think I am pathetic, I don't really care, Its just nice to say what I want to say to anyone with out having to think of any major repercussions that might come about if I tell the wrong person.

[Waef]

You're not a pussy, this is definitely a difficult situation to deal with. If she was originally acting suspicious, attacking you when you asked questions and mocking your STD, then it doesn't sound like it was rape. Maybe it's just a stereotype, but I tend to think of rape victims as depressed / confused / something, but not necessarily attacking. Maybe somewhat aggressive. But again, I've never actually dealt with someone who was recently raped, so I don't know.

However, the fact she is changing the story, either proves that it was very traumatic, or she is trying to cover something up. I would definitely lean towards covering something up. The best advice I can give (since it seems like she isn't going to tell you the full, 100% truth) is to get marriage counseling, and hope that somehow she'll admit the honest truth to the counselor (hopefully with you present).

Personally, if I was ever cheated on, I don't think I would get over it. Even if I truly loved the person, I think I would have to end it, just because of the fact they can say it was a 1 time thing, they can say they'll never do it again, but chances are they will. Once a cheater, always a cheater. It's up to you if you want to keep the relationship going or end it, but definitely try to find out the honest to God truth before doing either.

Don't really know how good this advice is, and everything is my personal opinion and what I would do in this situation (if I was rationally thinking), so if it doesn't seem good simply disregard it. Only YOU know what's best for YOU, even if it takes a while to figure out exactly what that thing is.

[archibaldcrane]

My question is this: What does she want? Is she begging you not to leave her, that she's sorry and will do anything to make it right and regain your trust, etc. etc.?

She fucked up huge here - if she's not even particularly apologetic (How's your STD?) then seriously, kick>curb>gtfo. You don't deserve that bullshit, period. Get out.

[sock]

My question is this: What does she want? Is she begging you not to leave her, that she's sorry and will do anything to make it right and regain your trust, etc. etc.?

She fucked up huge here - if she's not even particularly apologetic (How's your STD?) then seriously, kick>curb>gtfo. You don't deserve that bullshit, period. Get out.

Yes, she is begging, yes to all of that.

The hows the STD thing was a last week sometime, she said it just came out from it being all she could think about and wanting to know if it had progressed.

As far as what actually happened I told her she need to take a few days and figure out what she wants to tell me happened, if she went to get some dick, cool, if she went to hang and things got hot and things happened. cool, if it was a very bad thing that happened, ok. I just want to know 100% what happened so I can figure out what I want to do about it and actually know how to handle it.

[Apelila]

She then proceeded to attack me for thinking it and made feel so guilty about it that I passed it off as just something wrong with my skin, that just happened to be in that one area. Stupid I know.
She later mocked me about it on day asking "hows your STD doing?"

<cut>

Now she is trying to claim it as rape, saying its her fault for putting herself in the situation that made it possible.

Well, I don't want to sound like I'm talking out of my ass on this, but that stance isn't one that rape victims usually take.

Denial? Sure, you get tons of denial. LOADS. But being aggressive isn't usually where most people go unless they have a complete 180 in more than one aspect of personality, which you probably would have noticed before the attack of the angry crotch.

It sounds like she did what I've always observed people do when someone suspects them of having done something without offering any concrete evidence: she blamed you and made it out to be something that you where over reacting to.

Is her current story bullshit?
That is really hard to say, you might never know. Obviously none of us can answer it. From what you've said it sounds like it, but it could also be the forced perspective we see. To me it seems like if she was unhappy that she couldn't really do anything about it if she's dependent on you.

Again, I'm only drawing on my experiences but what happened to me went on for as long as it did because he couldn't just leave whenever he wanted to, it only blew up when the military sent him to Iraq.

If you guys all have similar friends, pick whoever you trust the most AND who would be likely to know something and ask them point blank if they knew she was fucking around on you. If they do they'll likely tell you as at that point they don't have to risk pissing you off since you already know. If no ones likely to know, talk to whoever you trust not to have a big fucking mouth.

[Day]

Ok wow, first of all ITT: Sex isn't cheating. That's the craziest thing I'm sure I'll hear all week.

Sock, my advice is to put the STD aside; get that taken care of and don't use it in your arguements/discussions. It's not going to help anything and honestly it's not really relevant to the real issue at hand. Yeah it sucks, but it's an easy scapegoat to focus on when the real question is why was your wife cheating, and are those problems able to be resolved. That's between you and her and you need to discuss this at great lengths. She needs to be honest. You need to be honest. Cat is out of the bag, now it's time to beat the hell out of it until you find out why it was in there.

[yayaok]

I want to say I truly feel for you man, I can't even imagine what the hell you're going through. We're kinda in the same shoes, my girlfriend and I are seniors in HS and are planning to get married after school, we have a baby which we're keeping a secret to most besides close people we know due to school and stuff. If anything like this ever happened to me, I'd completely shatter... I firmly believe that trust and communication is the main pillar in all relationships, be it friendship or love. Seems like you're hanging in there pretty well, keep strong.

I wanna point out something two guys said a few pages back, about not rushing the divorce. Love isn't just a plaything, and by reading your posts it seems you still love her, although you're kinda confused and pissed atm, which to me seems normal. I've been disappointed with my girlfriend a few times too, and vice versa, but we've always sat down and had a talk to sort things out. Of course, your situation is a bit more serious... but I would suggest not rushing any decisions. You could say I'm young (and I am, I admit) and I'm too unexperienced to say anything but I wanted to point this out since the majority are saying 'FUCK THIS GET AWAY FROM HER' heh.

I also suggest talking to a close friend of yours RL, they know you better than we do. You should go ahead and trust in your friendship, it's times like these you need bros to rely on. Good luck to you man

[Neosutra]

I would have given her the benefit of the doubt if she had told you the truth the first time you asked, and stuck with it. Her story has changed everytime you ask her, and she is trying to play it as if she is the victim. There is a difference between someone who cheats because they wanted some extra sex, and someone who cheats because they are a deceitful hobag. This woman cant even accept the responsibility even now.

Even now, she cant play anything but the victim card. Pretty soon even she will start believing she was the victim, then you will.. because its the easier thing to do.

Get out now.

[Izzy]

It's funny how EVERY cheater has the exact same things to day. I've heard all this before. Seriously, do not waste your time anymore. She's not going to change and she's not being truthful.

Seriously, think about it. If you hadn't gotten an STD...you'd never know and she'd still be hiding it from you. She KNOWS she did something wrong.

[Linliel]

Yeah I see why people are ripping into me I guess I didn't quite explain what I was thinking so well. I certainly don't think "forced sex" or rape or whatever is cheating. I don't quite know what whoever's definition of forcible sex is, because all the times I've ever seen it used it's been used in place of or equivalent to rape. So, yeah. Anyway I don't think that is cheating.

I also don't think a stupid drunken one night stand or a highly emotional spur of the moment thing is cheating, but I'm not saying that they're something I'd do or think is a good thing! which is what you're all missing! I'm in a long term relationship and I've never screwed around or done anything like this, but if my boyfriend went and did one of the above I would sit down and talk to him about it and we'd work it out pretty easily.

I think the misunderstanding we're having is mostly semantic, along with my frustration that the OP was perhaps not taking his wife seriously about being forced into sex. Cheating for me is cheating on the relationship as a whole, not just the sex bit. I mean the emotional connections, the time spent, that sort of thing. If my boyfriend was making up excuses for being out 3-4 nights a week and obviously seeing someone else then yes, I'd be upset and it would be a sign that our relationship is not going to work out. Perhaps I'm weird, but I just don't see sex as the be-all and end-all in a relationship. I feel personally that I trust the longevity of the relationship beyond a mere physical thing, I spose.

Maybe you'll see where I'm coming from now?

Anyway I think the advice given on this page and the previous one is good, it sounds like she is being a bit cagey about it, so yeah, might be worth going to some sort of counsellor about it so you can work things out a bit better with a mediator or something. Because honestly, if she's not coming clean to you about it, then there are, as I said before, more problems than the clap I wish you luck!