You've got to be joking......

[Cream Soda]

So there's a guy. He goes to Las Vegas with his family for vacation. While his family is sleeping, he is at the casino, when he is approached by a hot hooker. The hooker asks him if he wants a hand job. The guy asks how much. The hooker replies I give the world's best handjobs for $5,000. "5 grand for a fucking handjob?!?!" the guy says. The hooker replies "See that hotel you're staying in, I own that company with only money I made giving hand jobs". So the guy thinks for a minute and gives it a try. It was the best handjob he ever had. So, the next night, he is down at the casino again when the hooker comes back and says "If you like my handjobs, you should try my blow jobs, $10,000" "Over $9000!!!!! just for a blow job?!?" the guy says. The hooker replies "See this casino you're playing in, I bought it only with money I got giving blow jobs". So, the guy gives it a shot and it was the best blow job he's ever even imagined possible. The next night, he's not even playing in the casino, he's looking around and wants to fuck. He finds the hooker and asks how much would it be to fuck. So, the hooker says come in my Limo. The are driven to the biggest hill in Nevada. The hooker looks over to him and says

Spoiler: show

If I had a pussy, this would ALL be mine

[Chicomagiko]

So there's a guy. He goes to Las Vegas with his family for vacation. While his family is sleeping, he is at the casino, when he is approached by a hot hooker. The hooker asks him if he wants a hand job. The guy asks how much. The hooker replies I give the world's best handjobs for $5,000. "5 grand for a fucking handjob?!?!" the guy says. The hooker replies "See that hotel you're staying in, I own that company with only money I made giving hand jobs". So the guy thinks for a minute and gives it a try. It was the best handjob he ever had. So, the next night, he is down at the casino again when the hooker comes back and says "If you like my handjobs, you should try my blow jobs, $10,000" "Over $9000!!!!! just for a blow job?!?" the guy says. The hooker replies "See this casino you're playing in, I bought it only with money I got giving blow jobs". So, the guy gives it a shot and it was the best blow job he's ever even imagined possible. The next night, he's not even playing in the casino, he's looking around and wants to fuck. He finds the hooker and asks how much would it be to fuck. So, the hooker says come in my Limo. The are driven to the biggest hill in Nevada. The hooker looks over to him and says

Spoiler: show

If I had a pussy, this would ALL be mine

LOL

[Demosthenes11]

what do you call a bunch of emo, oversensitive, people with no sense of humor?

Spoiler: show

BG

[Correction]

How is this thread not in spam. I think I read all these jokes 10 years ago.

[Guitarman]

1.

A man and his wife go to their honeymoon hotel for their 25th anniversary. As the couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asked the husband, "When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what was going through your mind?"

The husband replied, "All I wanted to do was to fuck your brains out, and suck your tits dry."

Then, as the wife undressed, she asked, "What are you thinking now?"

He replied, "It looks as if I did a pretty good job."


2.
As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman."

She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?"

A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this!".



3.

A kindergarten teacher one day is trying to explain to her class the definition of the word "definitely" to them. To make sure the students have a good understanding of the word, she asks them to use it in a sentence. The first student raised his hand and said "The sky is definitely blue". The teacher said, "Well, that isn't entirely correct, because sometimes it's gray and cloudy".
Another student says, "Grass is definitely green." The teacher again replies "If grass doesn't get enough water it turns brown, so that isn't really correct either."
Another student raises his hand and asks the teacher "Do farts have lumps?" The teacher looked at him and said "No...But that isn't really a question you want to ask in class discussion." So the student replies, "Then I definitely shit my pants."

[Tricen]

A baby seal walks into a club.


















LOL

[guartz]

This thread is a joke.

[Waef]

What's black and yellow and screams as it goes off a cliff?

Spoiler: show

A bus full of black kids.

[Boyiee]

What did the Sign on the Door of the Whorehouse say?

Spoiler: show

Beat It, We're closed

[Null]

Yay somebody linked me to this thread. I posted that in spam because that's where shit like this belongs.

[archibaldcrane]

What's a sex act that 9 out of 10 people enjoy?

Spoiler: show

A gang bang

Also, raide's jokes were really lame

[Melchiah]

Three ropes are hanging out outside one of Las Vegas' most exclusive bars. There is a sign out front that says "No ropes admitted." The first rope looks at his compatriots and says "I'm going in there and getting a drink." And so he proceeds through the door, up to the bar and orders a martini. The bartender looks him up and down a moment and says "Hey pal, we don't allow ropes in here.", at which point the bouncer tosses him back out into the street. The second rope decides to try his luck and proceeds inside to order himself a scotch, and is met at the door with the same refusal of service. The third rope, seeing all of this, gets clever. He first ties himself into a firm knot and then throws himself to the ground and tears at himself until he looks like a real beat up mess. Having suitably disarrayed himself, he proceeds inside the establishment, up to the bar and orders a gin and tonic. The bartender turns around, looks him over and asks: "Hey pal, we don't serve ropes here, you're not a rope are you?" To which the rope replies:

Spoiler: show

"No sir, I'm a frayed knot."

[Komm Suesser Tod]

Don Juan, man of a thousand conquests lays on his deathbed, and all the best doctors have lost all hope. Even so, he hangs on for a few more days, but finally passes. Don Juan, being the kind of man he was, ends up in hell, and is greeted personally by the devil.
The devil says to him "Don Juan, I've been waiting for you, I've even had time to prepare your suit." The devil holds up a jesters costume, and holds it out to Don Juan. "You shall be my courts clown!"
Don Juan replies "Ha, I am Don Juan, man of a thousand conquests, and I am no ones fool."
"Fair enough," the devil replies "then I propose a challenge. I will show you every one of your conquests, and if you can tell me just one of their names, you shall be spared the indignity of being my jester."
"Ha, that is all I must do? This shall be done in moments." And the parade began.
One after one, girl after girl, woman after woman, they streamed in front of Don Juan, and although he tried, he could not name a single one. The parade continued, and still, he could not name even one. A thousand women later, only one was left, a frail young woman, with large blue eyes staring directly into Don Juan's own eyes. Don Juan turns to the devil and says "Who is this?"
Shocked, the devil says "Why Don Juan, this is the only woman who ever truly loved you!"
Don Juan looked back at the girl, then turned to Satan, "Give me the damn suit."

[ZarakiKujata]

If any of these jokes offend you, piss off

Weren't you the one who got all pissy cause of the pictures of the deformed kids in the Random pics thread a few threads back? So laughing at one thing people are born with and have no control over is ok and laughing at another isn't? Oh the ironing is tasty.

[Null]

Weren't you the one who got all pissy cause of the pictures of the deformed kids in the Random pics thread a few threads back? So laughing at one thing people are born with and have no control over is ok and laughing at another isn't? Oh the ironing is tasty.

The greatest post of this thread. Only one that gave me a laugh as well.

[Omnipotent]

Weren't you the one who got all pissy cause of the pictures of the deformed kids in the Random pics thread a few threads back? So laughing at one thing people are born with and have no control over is ok and laughing at another isn't? Oh the ironing is tasty.

That's me! yyayayay. Also something about I LOVE pissing people off.

[Mrcloudz]

Four gay guys are in a hot tub. All of a sudden, a big glob of semen floats up to the surface of the water, and one of the guys says:

Spoiler: show

"All right, who farted?"

Three guys stop at a hotel for the night halfway through a road trip across the country, and there aren't enough rooms, so they have to share a bed.
The next morning, the guy on the right side of the bed wakes up and says, "Boy, I had a dream I was getting the best handjob ever!"
The guy on the left wakes up and, incredibly, he's had the same dream, too.
Then the guy in the middle wakes up and says,

Spoiler: show

"That's funny, I had a dream I was skiing..."

A married man goes out drinking with his friends one night after work, and gets so plastered he barfs all over his shirt. He says out loud, "fuck, my wife's gonna kill me if she finds out I vomited all over my goddamn shirt!"
His friend says to him, "don't worry, here's what we're gonna do: I'll give you this $10 bill, you put it in your shirt pocket, and you say to your wife 'honey you wouldn't believe it, some guy at the bar threw up all over my shirt, but he left me some money to get the shirt cleaned.'" The guy says "OK," and stumbles home.
He arrives home and says to his wife "aw jeez honey, you wouldn't believe it, one of my douchebag friends got drunk off his ass and vomited all over my shirt, but don't worry: he gave me this $10 bill to get it cleaned."
She looks at the money and says, "but this is a $20 bill!" to which he replies,

Spoiler: show

"Oh yeah, I forgot to mention, he also shit in my pants."

[Askari0]

What is worse that a truck load of dead babies?

Spoiler: show

A truck load of dead babies with a live one on bottom.

What's worse than that?

Spoiler: show

He has to eat his was to freedom.

And what's worse than that?

Spoiler: show

He goes back for seconds.

What has four legs and an arm?

Spoiler: show

A pitbull in a nursery.

What is worse than nailing a baby to a wall?

Spoiler: show

Nailing a baby.

It was a busy night for the bartender. It was the usual Saturday night rush times two or so it seemed. The night had wound down slowly though. And now it was about an hour until closing and he was almost done cleaning up the bar.

As he was cleaning he heard the door slam open and he quickly looked up. What he saw both amazed and terrified him. When that bartender looked up he saw nothing other than a pirate. And this wasn't some kind of drunk man in a pirate costume either. It was a full blooded pirate. He had a parrot on his shoulder, a peg leg, a flintlock pistol and cutlass at his hip, a trifold hat on his head, and an eye patch over his eye with a wicked looking scar to go with it. The strangest thing though about this pirate was that out of the crotch of his pants emerged what but a steering wheel.

The pirate walked confidently up to the bar with a loud thump every other step. When he got to the bar he reached into his pocket and pulled out and slammed down onto the bar three gold dubloons. After a short silence he said "It'll be a whiskey er yer life." The bartender shakily got the pirate a drink, too scared to say anything. After the pirate downed the whiskey in a single gulp he turned and started to leave.

The bartender, still scared out of his mind, had to ask though, so he stopped the pirate and asked "Um...um.. Sir... I get..that you know.... your a pirate and all.... but....but why do you have a steering wheel coming out of your pants?!!?"

The pirate, a little agitated, grimaced and replied:

Spoiler: show

"Yarrrrr.... I dunno, but it be drivin' me nuts."

[Valkrish]

this thread so far is funny, so far.

[Shuvo]

What's brown and sticky?

Spoiler: show

A stick