Baww... I need advice </LJ>

[MrW]

I see two options here.

One, call all of your gay friends, go to the store and buy massive amounts of queer beer and then throw a party. Your gay friends plus your friends gay friends plus a few randoms means that you'll be drunk and hook up with one of them. This will happen, you'll have a great time and maybe you'll meet a new person to hook up with. Worst case scenario, at least you got to stick your dick in someone's butt.

Or two, call up your other best friend (my bet is that she is a very pretty girl) console with her and then proceed to stick it in her vagina (or butt - whatever she and you feel comfortable with). Worst case scenario your penis is happy and she's gotten some dick. Because, lets face it, if she's hanging out with you a ton her boyfriend is probably a douchebag and she had it coming to her anyway (no pun intended). Plus, you've spent an entire day/night NOT thinking about Tim.





Or do what everyone else said and just back off and play it cool.

[AkashiXI]

My answer to this thread is that you're pretty much an asshole for obsessing over this guy so much and ONLY worrying about Tim. What about your boyfriend? Tbh, I would resolve those issues first before I start worrying about Tim. Obsessions like that in relationships are not healthy at all.

[travOtaku]

I appreciate the responses, it's helped me kind of see the obvious solution, and made it easier to act on it. Left to my own devices, and thoughts, I'd still be sitting here going "Well, if I do this... then... but if I do this instead then... THIS... but if I do this and he isn't mad then this... but if it turns out he IS mad and I DON'T do this..."

After re-re-re-reading what I wrote it's obvious I left out some key points, and I didn't mean to confuse anyone or seem like an attention whore who was typing drivel just to get posts. I typed out my problem, forgetting to realize that on this forum I am the only one with the background information and context, and so I kind of accidentally the details.

In any case, thanks for the helpful opinions once again. They really helped.

[Cream Soda]

I was just lurking in the thread and wasn't planning on saying anything, but I wanted to know something. Many people have asked or commented on your current boyfriend and I've yet to see you respond to any of those questions. You wrote a small bit about him on the last page, but what are your plans? Do you plan to leave him for Tim or cheat on him or what?

[AkashiXI]

^ Exactly. That was my main concern too. How can you have such an infatuation with Tim if you're already in a relationship? I'm not saying we're perfect, because God knows I've thought of other people when in a relationship, but I wasn't borderline obsessed.

[Akucaen]

Just leave Tim alone a while. Being on both sides of that fence before, Tim probably feels a bit crowded. Just give it two weeks and then send a text if he wants to hang out. Take it from there. Maybe he realizes your obsession and is trying to distance you, or maybe you accidentally did trip his personal space. Either way, just leave him alone and give it time.

Trust me though, 90% of this is your own personal paranoia. Just give it some time.

[Meian]

OK, I see two issues here. First off, leave him be. Don't contact him, don't facebook stalk him, don't go out of your way to see him- in fact, go out of your way to not see him. Let him have his space, give him one of those big, square states out in the mid-west as space. Contacting him to say "I've been in your face lately" is just more being in his face, be out of his face. If he wants to talk to you, he will, if he doesn't he won't.

Second issue, and this is the important one, is to figure out why you are suddenly so infatuated/obsessed with him. If you never very attracted to him before and now suddenly you are all up ons, this suggests to me that it isn't about him, it is about something that he represents to you. Ask yourself the following questions:

• What is it that suddenly makes him so facinating?
• Exactly when did this facination start and what could have triggered it?
• Does he remind me of someone else? If so, who and and am I projecting feelings for that person onto him?
• What does he represent to me? Is he symbolic for something that I feel that I am currently missing in my life?

By deconstructing from where your feelings stem, you may be able to find a rational explanation for your emotions and get them under control. I know that some people are going to be all "oh psychoanalytic process blah blah blah", but there is something to be said for trying to figure out the deeper meanings behind what we feel. By obsessing over why you are obsessing over him, you may find that you are no longer obsessed with him.

And pay some attention to your boyfriend.

This was probably best summerized of most people's opinions and I agree with it 100%.

Obsession is not love, EVER.

[travOtaku]

I don't think it's an infatuation, though.

I'm not interested in dating or fucking Tim (nor have I ever). He's a friend that, as of lately, hasn't been talking to me after I'd started noticing myself doing something that caused me to completely lose the friendship/relationship I had with my ex-boyfriend, namely the whole spontaneous obsession thing.

My BF and I are fine, this isn't something I am like broadcasting to him or anyone else. I'm not sitting down with him watching TV and saying things to him like "My word, it's been like 3 minutes since I've checked Tim's facebook status. I wonder what he's up to!" I'm just kind of dealing with it silently, and it isn't like I am putting my BF on the back burner or anything. Nothing between us has changed, the only thing that's different is after I hung out with Tim last I suddenly had this weird, urgency to know what he's up to and that kind of thing.

I'm very happy with my BF, the only issue I have is that I had lost a friend over this before, by, I guess, not handling it the correct way, and I don't want the same thing to happen with Tim. There's really no negative backlash happening with regards to my boyfriend. I'm not ignoring him, and I definitely don't plan to leave him.

[Meian]

If it was as simple as that then just give him space and wait a long while. If he doesn't say anything by then then maybe give him a text or something saying how were things and if he doesn't respond then just give up; you're only going to make it harder on yourself and him.

[Kajii]

I think the real problem here is your sexuality.

lmao win

[Yuri-G]

I don't think it's an infatuation, though.

I'm not interested in dating or fucking Tim (nor have I ever). He's a friend that, as of lately, hasn't been talking to me after I'd started noticing myself doing something that caused me to completely lose the friendship/relationship I had with my ex-boyfriend, namely the whole spontaneous obsession thing.

My BF and I are fine, this isn't something I am like broadcasting to him or anyone else. I'm not sitting down with him watching TV and saying things to him like "My word, it's been like 3 minutes since I've checked Tim's facebook status. I wonder what he's up to!" I'm just kind of dealing with it silently, and it isn't like I am putting my BF on the back burner or anything. Nothing between us has changed, the only thing that's different is after I hung out with Tim last I suddenly had this weird, urgency to know what he's up to and that kind of thing.

I'm very happy with my BF, the only issue I have is that I had lost a friend over this before, by, I guess, not handling it the correct way, and I don't want the same thing to happen with Tim. There's really no negative backlash happening with regards to my boyfriend. I'm not ignoring him, and I definitely don't plan to leave him.

Not to psychoanalyze, but it's definitely an infatuation, and you're gonna need to accept and face that to deal with this situation. There are lots of types of infatuation, and romantic intentions are not necessarily always involved. In fact, friend-type infatuation can be some of the most difficult to deal with, since it's so confusing and unexpected. Romantic obsession can at least be chalked up to a crush and dealt with as such.

Trust me, one of the most important people in my past was a friend I became infatuated with on a non-romantic level, and it was one of the biggest reasons we don't even talk now.

On top of all that, one last thing: be careful. It's easy to convince ourselves we're not romantically obsessed with someone when we don't want to admit it. I'm not saying you are, just make sure you're not fooling yourself.

[kuronosan]

Dude, stop being such a pussy. Tim doesn't want you whether you're gay or straight. Move on. Leave him be.

If you're still obsessed after having some space then you need counseling.

It's perfectly natural to feel attracted to somebody you're in close proximity to or that you are biologically attracted to. It can't be helped.

Don't mistake those for feelings of genuine attraction though. They could just be lustful emotions.

Gay or straight, attraction is just that, and you have to understand that sometimes people are just not that into you. Be his friend and leave it at that. You'll find plenty of people trying to pull you out of a happy relationship and cause you to second-guess things. It's human nature.

Grass is always greener, etc, etc.

[travOtaku]

I guess you're right that infatuation doesn't necessarily mean that I'm sitting here going "OMG I LOVE TIMMMM!" and "I wanna be with Tim!". I mean, on a physical level, I do find Tim attractive, but I just have never thought about him in that way before.

The more I think about it, the more I feel like I just missed hanging out with him after so long, and when we did that just flipped the switch, and I wanted to just keep hanging out with him because I had missed being around him. But then I think like "Yeah, but I didn't hang out with other friends for that long and didn't pine after them after we hung out" and then I'm all confused.

And then even another part of me is like "What if he doesn't think I've been annoying, and is mad at me over something I don't even realize and by not apologizing for it I'm making matters worse, when I think I'm making them better by leaving him alone?"

Curse me and my anxieties! =/

Gay or straight, attraction is just that, and you have to understand that sometimes people are just not that into you. Be his friend and leave it at that.

I'm not worried about Tim being into me or not. My issue is that I have created this problem in my head, don't know if its actually legitimate though there are signs that it is, and don't know how to deal with it without either a) creating a problem while seemingly correcting it, b) not realizing a true problem and "fixing" the wrong one (or attempting to), or c) worrying about something I shouldn't be, and by doing so creating a problem that way.

I wouldn't be so worried about it, but this same random obsession/infatuation thing caused the loss of a dear friend to me before, and I would very much prefer to not lose another one to it. That's why I posted, so I could read what some other people felt was the proper way to deal with it.

I don't care if Tim's cock goes inside of him when he sees me, that has nothing to do with it.

[Akucaen]

And then even another part of me is like "What if he doesn't think I've been annoying, and is mad at me over something I don't even realize and by not apologizing for it I'm making matters worse, when I think I'm making them better by leaving him alone?"

I know it's goddamned impossible, but don't. Stop it. Don't think about this. It will only make it far worse than it already is.

[Bwelch]

After reading your OP re-edit, I think you should tell him how you feel. If he still avoids you, it could be serious. He might be fucking your boyfriend.

[Jefe]

Yeah, listen to Sep. when it comes to relationships that guy always delivers.

[Ryany]

....I'm not interested in dating or fucking Tim (nor have I ever).

You lost me here. I can only speak for myself, but every girl I've ever had a crush on has included both of those interests to me. I've always assumed any interest in one person has a goal of at least one of those two.

[Kaelia]

My boyfriend is very much the type to need space, whereas I want any issue to be solved like 2 seconds after it has happened, and I know how annoyed he gets with me when I try and fix stuff before he is ready for it to be fixed. That was part of my dilemma, I don't wanna press an issue if Tim is the kind to prefer to just let time take care of it, and I don't want to CREATE an issue if there is not one.

Right now I feel guilty that I have been annoying him, and so part of me just wants to apologize apologize apologize because I hate it when people are mad at me and I don't like knowing that there is a problem I am involved in that is not being finished when, in my mind, it should have been solved before it even started.

This is not a complex issue, and I probably just over-thought it. I tend to do that when I cause myself trouble, I have a high anxiety towards people being angry with me, and I will tend to talk myself into the possibility of the worst when the situation may just have been a case of "I left my phone in my friend's car and didn't get your text, sorry".

Wow, you sound EXACTLY like me.

[kuronosan]

Probably because we all do very similar things.

He sounds like myself as well. Why? Simply because most of us go through the same issues.

We wonder if how we feel is genuine. Most, if not almost all of the time, we really are just experiencing anxiety due to stress.

You just have to stick through it and tell yourself that everything is okay. Or, as I said previously, seek counseling.

[Yuri-G]

Yeah, I used to be that way. Honestly? I am now much more likely to let stuff go if I can't fix it immediately and trust that I'll either fix it later, or it will take care of itself. It took me a good five years of mental work, a year of that in outpatient therapy, but I'm so much happier now. And I've never been on antidepressants or anything like that, it's all personal change I've enacted in the way I react to life.

Neuroses are not good for anyone. I recommend that you see a therapist if it's at all possible. You don't have to be crazy or mentally ill or anything like that to benefit greatly from a good therapist.