"Fuck My Life"

[stewie]

Today, I was drunk and horny. So I texted "I want to fuck your pussy" to my girlfriend. I later realized that I had accidentally substituted the s for the p, and actually said "I want to fuck your puppy." FML

Win.

[Lbelle]

.

Today, this really attractive woman that I've known for years told me that when I can have sex with her standing up, she'll have sex with me. I'm confined to a wheelchair. FML

Today, my boss fired me via text message. I don't have a text messaging plan. I paid $0.25 to get fired. FML

[Jaybar]

My brother's friend, who was engaged, had their marriage break up via text message (the girlfriend was the culprit).

[Penthesilea]

Today, I texted this girl I really like and she didn't answer. She did about two hours later and it said "sorry I was having sex at the time you texted me. So how are you?"

[killerx]

Today, I was lying on the bed with my boyfriend. We were watching his cell phone when an automatic reminder message came on the screen: "Do not forget to tell a lie to babe about going out this Friday". FML

[thebearofscience]

should just start making ones up, like, uh,

my billionaire aunt bought me a $50,000 cake, but gave me a $10 itunes gift card. fml.

[Meian]

Today, it was really cold and windy and I started my car before work. I locked the front door of my house and shut it behind me to leave. The wind was blowing and all my hair got shut in my locked front door... with my keys in my car's ignition. FML

If this was real I doubt anything could be worse than this on a Monday morning XD

[Jaybar]

Today, I was lying on the bed with my boyfriend. We were watching his cell phone when an automatic reminder message came on the screen: "Do not forget to tell a lie to babe about going out this Friday". FML

This would be funnier if it was the guy's perspective.

[Dimmauk]

During some lovemaking my Girlfriend whispers to me that she wants to try Anal Sex. I said OK! She gets up to go to the bath room to "Get ready" She is in there for a minute, and then she opens to door and walks out with wearing Strap on. FML.

[Selim]

Today, I told my boss I was bored of being a cashier and would rather go to food prep. He told me I couldn't because my arms were too hairy. I'm a sixteen year old girl. FML

Today, my friends and I were celebrating a friend getting a promotion. Karen walks in and my friend asks, "Karen, why aren't you drinking with us?" She replies, "Cause I would wake up tomorrow with you in my bed and lot of questions." Karen is my mom. FML

Today, I decided to come out to a co-worker. She looked at me, then laughed, and said, "You can't be gay, you're fat!" FML

Even though most seem like they're made up these still made me laugh

[Jefe]

^True but funny irregardless.

TODAY,________________. FML~

[Milton]

Today, I heard my sister masturbating in her room. I took the dog around the block to get out of the house, and I came back to see her leaving her room... my electric toothbrush in her hand. FML

Today, my boss called me into his office to show me the web site of a potential business partner. When he began to type 'virginia' into google, it auto-completed his search with his recent search for 'virgin boy assholes'. I have to go on business trip with him tomorrow. I'm a young guy. FML

[Firedemon]

Oh man, this is gold lmao.

[Qalbert]

In Soviet Russia life fucks you.

[Brien]

Today, I was drunk and horny. So I texted "I want to fuck your pussy" to my girlfriend. I later realized that I had accidentally substituted the s for the p, and actually said "I want to fuck your puppy." FML

[Dimmauk]

During some lovemaking my Girlfriend whispers to me that she wants to try Anal Sex. I said OK! She gets up to go to the bath room to "Get ready" She is in there for a minute, and then she opens to door and walks out with wearing Strap on. FML.

I made that up. LOL its not on the website.

[Klain]

"Today, this guy that I have been in love with for two years asked me into an empty classroom. He handed me a bouquet of flowers and a t-shirt that he silk screened "prom?" on to. I said it was the most adorable thing I had ever seen. He asked if I thought that my best friend would like it. FML"

Oh man, this site is great lol

[Dimmauk]

Leader lots dring without enough points and kicks all the fenrir people
happy paid 700 dollars to buy the bank another 500 for bot, cichy paid 500 for bot, destroyer 250 for bot and they are all kicked.FML

[remdynex]

"Today, while babysitting, the oldest little girl who is 7 went through my purse. She pulled out a half empty bottle of lube. She asked what it was and I told her lotion. I went to the bathroom and when I came out, the bottle was empty and there were 4 kids covered in lube. Then their mom came home. FML"

"Today, I was a TA for a history class and the class was taking a test. About halfway through, I noticed one kid had a small piece of paper in his hand. I ran up the row, grabbed his test, and ripped it into four pieces. Then I took the note from him. It said "I believe in you, -Mom." FML"

"Today, an extremely large lady came into the dry cleaners where I work. She puts what I assume is a blanket on the counter to be dry cleaned. I say "So just the one blanket then?" She replies "Those are my pants.....not a blanket." She was a size 56. FML"

"Today, I received my passport in the mail. They got my birthdate wrong. Then I picked up my birth certificate that I had sent in with the application. Turns out my parents have been celebrating my birthday on the wrong day for 16 years. FML"

Awesome stuff, it's like Jerry Springer on the webz.

[Klain]

"Today, I was a TA for a history class and the class was taking a test. About halfway through, I noticed one kid had a small piece of paper in his hand. I ran up the row, grabbed his test, and ripped it into four pieces. Then I took the note from him. It said "I believe in you, -Mom." FML"

lol'd way harder than I should've