T'was the Worst of Times

[Brill Weave]

Gather round children. Here on this somber April morning, I shall recant a tale of antiquity. A word of caution before I begin, my faithful brethren. The following tale will document the crushing of a man's soul and his belief in a flawed system.

It began on a cold Sunday evening. I had just settled into my favorite chair as I focused on my two monitors at work. The night was calm, and I was looking forward to an evening's respite from the insanity of the weekend.

The details are inconsequential, but after some time your faithful guide began to feel as though I had been struck by a blacksmith's hammer. My hands shook. The sweat poured from my brow as I struggled to continue my day. Finally after much wrestling with myself, I came to the conclusion that I been stricken with some foul malady sometime during the revelry of the days past.

As I lumbered my way to my carriage, I became lightheaded as a child spinning in circles. Would this deter your humble narrator from making the long trip home? No my friends. I struggled onward through the haze and made my home. My beloved wife expressed heartfelt concern at my sudden turn for the worse. Just hours before I had been the picture of perfect health. Had Gentle Ben put into play some terrible plan to end my life? Had he and Annie decided that I was too much of a risk to their plans?

Chills racked me to the core as I choked down yon futuristic beverages with electrolytes to no avail. My fever rose gradually as I quickly found myself topping out at over 103 degrees. Surely I was dying I thought as I rose up and make the decision to sleep in the spare bedroom. If this were to be my last night, I would not take the risk of passing this horrible affliction onto my beloved wife. She is young, soon her memories of me would fade so that she could move on.

Days passed, blurring together in that strange place between life and death. Surely I was dying, I had scantly moved the prior three days. Finally the decision had been made. I would make the long lonely trek to the hospital.

I must stress this to you. For me to make the decision to go to the hospital is something that I do not take lightly. As a small child I had been stricken with various respiratory ailments, that at times, caused me to become a frequent guest of these monolithic centers of healing. So to say your faithful guide has an aversion to said hospitals would be an insult to your intelligence.

Upon entering I was greeted by the sight of nearly every chair full. A kind negro woman greeted me and asked me to fill out some basic paperwork. Upon completion I was taken into a small room with a stout lad leading the way. How long have you been feeling this way? Are you having trouble breathing? Any temperature? I was assailed with questions from the moment I entered.

My interrogation completed I was sent to the main foyer to begin my wait. My friends the minutes seemed like hours. The only sound echoing through this large room was the voice of some belligerent "doctor" upon the television. As I attempted to shut out the sound of this moronic behemoth, I noticed that several men had slowly filtered into the room with various physical ailments. One walked with a limp, another an Ace bandage wrapped around his wrist.

The shock that hit me when these layabouts were seen before me, was clearly written upon my face. Had these so called doctors not read my file? Did they not realize I was slowly suffocating upon a steady stream of mucus and phlegm? Why had God chosen to forsake me at this most crucial time?

As I patiently waited, a shapely young maid appeared beside me. My friends I do not jest when I say that this young woman looked as though death had already claimed her. I curiously looked upon the large strange shaped bag hanging upon her arm, from which a foul pungent odor emanated.

Did this young woman have rotten fruit with her? Mayhap she had ingested one by mistake and now had brought them along with her to show the doctor? My first thought turned to the terrible illness that still strikes fear into the hearts of men. As she began retching into the small bag my fears were assuaged.

It wasn't Lupus.

For three long hours I sat. Unable to breathe well, I sat. The young maid next to me, retching the entire time. We sat and watched as the injured men were admitted and then sent on their merry way. Surely there must be some mistake, they could not be so callous as to admit these men with minor physical ailments before myself and vomit girl.

Finally I stood, on shaking knees, and I walked over to the evil negro woman to ask her to validate my parking ticket. The rage had fully risen, my ire was terrible to behold. Why are you leaving she asked? My friends I hate to bite my tongue before I replied.

But lo and behold, the threat of my departure spurred the negro woman into action. As she contacted the head nurse, a fresh bout of chills struck me as I awaited her response. My jaw hit the floor as she told me I would not be seen for another two to three hours.

I slowly shuffled away, deciding just to return home so that I may live out my last few hours in comfort. But it was not meant to be. My beloved wife had done the unthinkable. She had betrayed me in the worst way. Leaving me twisting in the wind when that inevitable telephone call came.

My beloved wife had called my mother.

After a pleasant conversation weighing the level of my intelligence for leaving, I decided completely on my own with no outside influence, that I would go to another hospital.

I drove the extra thirty minutes, fever and chills causing me to shake, as I pulled into the next hospital. Upon my arrival I was greeted with another full waiting room. I calmly walked up to the reception and relayed my story. Their eyes wide, jaws open as though they had just learned the identities of the final five, the two technicians claimed that they would find a spot for me within a few minutes.

An hour passed with no word. Finally I heard my name called. It wasn't a figment of my imagination. There in front of me was an angel disturbingly resembling a fat, short Italian man of questionable ancestry.

A breathing treatment and chest x-ray later, your humble narrator was sent home with a diagnosis of what had afflicted him, viral bronchitis. Three weeks later I sat upon my new couch as my wife went through our mail. What's this? What effrontry is this?! My wife hands me bills from both hospitals.

The audacity.

I had received a higher bill from the hospital that deemed me expendable!

The rage took over me as I read that they were attempting to charge me three times more than the hospital that gave me care. Now begins the final battle of good and evil!





This story isn't as funny because I'm more pissed about it than anything. But since several people have mentioned putting this into story form, here it is.

[Jodwahh]

FUCK YES HE'S BACK

[Tyche]

You must have the most boring job ever.

[Dimmauk]

My A.D.D. hates you.

[Brill Weave]

You must have the most boring job ever.

What can I say, when it's slow, it's slow.

[Kael]

Yeah! Glad you gave us the Brill Weave version. :D

It makes me angrier. lol You need to fight the good fight sir!

[Purrrfect]

FUCK YES HE'S BACK

This applies.

It wasn't Lupus.

Holy fuck I lol'd way too hard.

You need to make Brill Weave your "stage name" or w/e its called in writing and publish a collection of Brill's short stories. I would definitely buy one!

[Dmitry]

I don't understand why you would be charged for sitting in the waiting room. Granted, you filled out a form, but they didn't treat you for anything.

[Seraph]

How
Has
A
Mod
Not
Changed
His
Title
Yet
........?

[Brill Weave]

Well I actually recieved a response from them regarding the billing. They are saying that I was initially charged the ER fee because I was admitted into Triage. Which still does not make sense because I was admitted into Triage at the second hospital and they helped me and the charge was less than the initial fee at the first hospital.

[Seraph]

Well I actually recieved a response from them regarding the billing. They are saying that I was initially charged the ER fee because I was admitted into Triage. Which still does not make sense because I was admitted into Triage at the second hospital and they helped me and the charge was less than the initial fee at the first hospital.

You must pay the bill my son...













...entirely in Canadian pennies.

[Brill Weave]

Yeah it sadly seems that I'm going to be stuck paying it.

[AoE]

I enjoyed it.

[Seraph]

Also, next time you have ridiculous head/lung congestion, might I suggest eating an equally ridiculous amount of Horseradish and Wasabi? Breath in through your mouth, and out through your nose.

Vile liquid will pour from every opening in your face for endless minutes, but you will be able to breath again...

[TheShadyMan]

FUCK
YES
BRILLWEAVE

[hagun]

Awesome work as usual Brill.

[Abandon]

10/10

[Crouchingllama]

Enjoyed it, nice work.

[Shuemue]

You needed two threads to tell one shitty story?

[Ramor]

10/10, more stories now that you're officially not dead!