Tell me your worst joke!

[Faris]

black guy dies, and his soul flies up to heaven..he looks at his wings with shock and asks: "Am i an angel then?"

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god replies: "no nigga, you a bat"

[Tricen]

black guy dies, and his soul flies up to heaven..he looks at his wings with shock and asks: "Am i an angel then?"

Spoiler: show

god replies: "no nigga, you a bat"

I actually lol'd at this, what is wrong with me.

[Shalyn]

My favourite:
A guy walks into a bar and says "Ouch."

Wah wahhhh

What is the difference between acne and a catholic priest?

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Acne usually comes on a boys face *after* he turns 12.

[SamanosukeShiva]

meh

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once upon a time there's a superheroes competition, and the contestants are Batman, Spiderman, and Chuck Norris.

there are 3 rounds.

Round 1: The contestant have to lift an elephant. Batman struggled, but he can only lift the elephant 3 feet above the ground. Spiderman's turn, he lift the elephant 10 feet above the ground. Then Chuck's turn, he went up to the elephant and kick it in the nuts, the elephant flew up 25 feet.

Chuck wins.

Round 2: The contestant have to rotate the elephant's head. Batman tried to rotate the elephant's head but it wont budge at all. Spiderman tried to rotate the elephant's head and it tilted 30 degree. Chuck's turn, he come up to the elephant and say, "Want me to kick you in the nuts again?" the elephant quickly shakes his head 180 degree.

Chuck wins.

Final Round: The contestant have to stay in a closed room without any ventilation with world's stinkiest pig. Batman goes in first, 45 minute.. Batman come out and puke his guts out. Spiderman goes in, 1 hour... 2 hours... 3 hours..., Spiderman come out and puke his guts out. Chuck Norris goes in,... 1 hour... 2 hour.... 1 day.... 2 days.... 3 days.... a week.., then the pig come out and puke his guts out.

Chuck wins again.

[Serpent]

chuck norris started the swine flu? figures.

[Sol-Blackguy]

The carnival is in town and 3 mothers are in line with their daughters at the fortune teller's booth to have her guess the names of their kids. The first mother and her daughter step up and the fortune teller examines them until she comes to a conclusion:
"Aha! I've got it!" the fortune teller exclaims as she glances at the mother. "From the expensive jewelry, designer clothes, I can tell that you like money. Therefore you named your daughter Penny."
The mother gasps in surprise and gladly pays the fortune teller as the next mother-daughter pair step up. The fortune teller takes a quick look at the mother and is ready to give her answer to the mother.
"Hmmm, telling from the chocolate stain on your blouse, and the fact that you're a little on the robust side, I can tell that you like sweets."
The fortune teller scratches her head for a second and raises her finger up as she has found the answer.
"You named your daughter Candy!"
The mother nods, and pays the fortune teller and waddles away with her daughter.
The third mother looks down at her son, then looks at the fortune teller and back at her son and says...

Spoiler: show

"Forget the fortune teller, let's go somewhere else Dick."

[Faris]

damn those long jokes

[Blabj]

Statistics...

Statistically... 9/11 Americans won't get this joke.
Statistically... 6 out of 7 dwarves are not happy.

---

British onry...

When a man ejaculates, he comes at twenty miles per hour.
Which means it's perfectly safe to hit a child.

Prince Harry. He's just like me and you really. He uses words like "paki" and "raghead".
Wonder if he's got any good Diana jokes!

The other day I told my neighbour Jerome that he was like Marmite.
He said, "What, you either love me or you hate me?"
I said, "No, you're black and you smell."

---

Just been to my first Muslim birthday party. The musical chairs was a bit slow but fuck me the pass the parcel was quick!!!

British weather: it's just like a Muslim; either Sunni or Shi'ite.

If you have sex with a prostitute without her permission, is it rape... or shoplifting?

A woman brings eight-year-old Johnny home and tells his mother that he was caught playing doctors and nurses with Mary, her eight-year-old daughter.
Johnny's mother says, "Let's not be too harsh on them.... they are bound to be curious about sex at that age."
"Curious about sex?" replies Mary's mother. "He's taken her fucking appendix out!"

They say all women have rape fantasies.
So they aren't that different to men after all.

A man goes into a library and asks for a book on suicide.
The librarian says; "Fuck off, you won't bring it back."

I have to be honest, I am English myself but some of the American jokes on this site just completely ruin it for me. I mean, what the fuck happened on the ninth of November, anyway?

When Barack Obama was giving his speech after being elected as president, he had to do it behind three inch thick bullet-proof glass.
I thought that was a bit harsh - just because he's black doesn't mean he's going to shoot anyone.

I was at a cash machine when an old lady walked up and asked me to help her check her balance.
So I pushed her over.

I lost my virginity to a retarded girl last night... I wanted my first time to be special.

After strangulation, which organ in the female body remains warm after death?
My cock.

How do you know if you have a high sperm count?
When your wife has to chew before she swallows.

What's the biggest cause of paedophilia?
Sexy kids.

Zebo, a half blind 5 year old African orphan has to ride 7 miles a day to school with only one leg on a bicycle with buckled wheels and no brakes.
Please give just a small donation of £2 and we will send you the video; it's fucking hilarious!

A guy goes to the pub, and says to his friend, "You won't believe what happened! I was taking a shortcut along the railway track, and I found a girl tied to the rails. I untied her, and we had sex over and over again. All the positions; everything!"
His friend replies, "That's great! Did you get a blowjob?"
"No, I couldn't find her head."

I was checking into a hotel the other week. At the counter, a guy in front of me said curtly to the receptionist, "I hope the porn channel is disabled."
Unbelievable what some people are into.

Chasing the American Dream does not count as exercise.

Lady in labour, shouting the usual shit, "Get this out of me! Give me the drugs!" She turns to her boyfriend and says, "You did this to me, you fucker!"
He casually replies, "If you remember, I wanted to stick it up your arse, but you said, 'fuck off it'll be too painful.'"

That'll do for the moment, not my fault if you're offended (they're all copy pasted.)

[Howard Roark]

oh god the pedo one ahahaa

[Akiyama]

why was 6 afraid of 7?

Spoiler: show

cause 7's a nigger.

Wow, I lol'd hard at this Vandole. Good show.

[Shalyn]

oh god the pedo one ahahaa

That and the Obama one made me laugh XD

Ah fuck page claim..

How to you make a dish washer into a snow blower?

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Give the bitch a shovel

What has one hundred balls and screws old ladies?

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Bingo

How do you embarrass an archaeologist?

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Give him a used tampon and ask him which period it came from.

One night a policewoman pulls over a drunk driver.
She politely asks him to step out of his car. He willingly does so.
She says, "Anything you say can and will be Held against you."
He replies "BREASTS."

Which sexual position produces the ugliest children?

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Ask your mom.

[Cream Soda]

Why was 6 afraid of 7?

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Because 7 8 9!

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http://xs116.xs.to/xs116/07231/678.gif

kk now for mine

What did the little black kid say when he had diarrhea?

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I'M MELTINGGG!!!!!

[Hyan]

Arnold Schwarzenegger gets a call from Steven Spielberg. Steve tells Arnie that he wants him to give up being the governer of California and go back to acting. He says he has a film he wants Arnie to star in. The film is about the adventures of several classical composers. Steve tells Arnie he can choose any role he wants as long as he will agree to be in the film. Arnie thinks about it for a while then comes to a conclusion, fist slams the table and says "I'll be Bach"

[Dense]

What did the Pink Panther say when he stepped on an ant?

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(˙˙˙ʇuɐ pɐǝp ʇuɐ pɐǝp ʇuɐ pɐǝp 'ʇuɐ pɐǝp 'ʇuɐ pɐǝp)

Where does the Lone Ranger take his garbage?

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(¡dɯnp dɯnp dɯnp ǝɥʇ oʇ 'dɯnp ǝɥʇ oʇ 'dɯnp ǝɥʇ oʇ)

[SubzeroDiabolos]

(˙˙˙ʇuɐ pɐǝp ʇuɐ pɐǝp ʇuɐ pɐǝp 'ʇuɐ pɐǝp 'ʇuɐ pɐǝp)

(¡dɯnp dɯnp dɯnp ǝɥʇ oʇ 'dɯnp ǝɥʇ oʇ 'dɯnp ǝɥʇ oʇ)

Ok you can type 180° my head only turn like 80° sideway.

[Dense]

And it came to pass that an angel came up to three newly-dead men and said - "You are all to be allocated a method for transportation around heaven. You will be judged on your past deeds, and will have your transport chosen accordingly."

The angel looked at the first guy, Dave, and said- "You, Dave, were a bad man in life. You cheated on your wife four times! For this, you will drive around Heaven in an old beat-up Dodge."

The angel next looked at the second guy, Jon, and said- "You were not as sinful, but you still cheated on your wife twice. For this, you will forever travel around heaven in a Toyota station wagon."

The angel finally looked at our hero, Sam, and said- "You, Sam, have set a fine example. You did not have sex until after marriage, and you never cheated on your wife. For this, you will forever travel through heaven in a Ferrari."

A short time later, Jon and Dave pulled up in their cars next to Sam's Ferrari. There he is, sitting on the bonnet, his head in his hands, crying.

"What's wrong, Sam?" they asked. "You got the Ferrari! You're set forever! Why so down?"

Sam looked up, ever so slowly opened his mouth, and said,

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"I just saw my wife go by on a skateboard."

[Jaybar]

What did the baby unicorn say to the group of black men?

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I'm a little horny

[Cream Soda]

What does a gay horse eat?

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Hayyyyyyyyyyyyyy!

[Norelco]

Why are black people so tall?

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Because their knee-grows

[Telamond]

How many psychologists does it take to change a lightbulb?

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One, but it has to want to change.

Heisenberg was driving when he was suddenly stopped by the traffic cop. The traffic cop asked him: "Do you know how fast you were driving?"
Heisenberg replied:

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No, but I know where I am.

Spoiler: show

http://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/snapple.jpg

Oh wait, is this american slang where worst means best? O.o