Large Hardon Collider

[Tristam]

Thought you guys might get a laugh at this.

By Adam Ruben via Sciencemag.org:


I don't mean to brag, but in sixth grade I won the Science Award for Mrs. Lukoff's class. Lest you think the prize frivolous, I should stress that this honor -- accompanied, of course, by a certificate printed using the ultramodern Brøderbund Print Shop -- brought me legitimate notoriety among my classmates. They all paid close attention at the awards ceremony because, according to time-honored tradition, the recipient of the Science Award gets beaten up.

Someday, I thought while being stuffed into a trash can, I'll be a big, bad scientist. Then they'll all see.

I'll stand at a podium to receive my Nobel Prize. "Citizens of the world!" I'll announce. "People who used to beat me up! Hear me, for I have discovered a universal cure for all diseases! And would you like to know what it is?"

"Yes, O Wise Scientist!" the masses will cry. "Please tell us! We would like to learn your universal cure!"

That's when I'll smile. "Yeah," I'll say. "I bet you would."

Growing up, we were the smart ones. We were the valedictorians and the science fair champs, the celebrated nerds who read books for fun and asked for extra homework. Even in college, the brainy kids majored in science and engineering, and the kids who couldn't do math studied economics.

We thought we were the only ones taking this education thing seriously. We thought we would conquer hunger and save the planet and see our names etched among the luminaries -- or, at the very least, that we would design a computer capable of providing bizarrely off-topic responses on Jeopardy!

We thought we would rule the world. Then we got actual science careers.

I realized recently that if I examine it in a day-to-day sense, I have one job in science. It's not curing malaria, which is what my grant says it should be. My job, in essence, is to move small amounts of liquid from one place to another. That's it.

That's it? This is what smart people do? This is our reward for withstanding years in the trash can?

Most of us can't boast about the accomplishments for which we dreamed of being revered. If you ever want to see scientists get nervous, ask them how many actual lives their research has saved or improved. They'll say something like, "Um, ... that's not really ... uh ... what my research is about."

In his State of the Union address, President Barack Obama spoke of the need to educate children in science so as to compete with Chinese children, most of whom have Ph.D.s by age 5. It was interesting to witness the American response, as a challenged nation rose and collectively declared, "We don't need to compete with Chinese kids intellectually because we can beat them up instead, which we'll do when we're finished watching The Bachelor. Pass the Chex Mix."

It may be helpful to explore how we scientists arrived at our careers, starting from the beginning. Here, then, are the thoughts of a developing scientist throughout the education process, along with the science questions explored at each age:


A scientist in preschool: Yet again, the triangle-shaped block fits into the triangle-shaped hole. Fascinating. Analysis will likely reveal statistical significance regarding this fact, but first I should further explore the block's properties by attempting to eat it.

Science questions explored: How are plants different from animals? What are the parts of the body? How does food become solid waste? Which other child has a head made out of solid waste? What rhyming chants should accompany such an accusation?


A scientist in elementary school: This week, a man came to our school and talked about science. He wore a white coat, brought lots of gadgets, and made things explode and freeze. He must be the coolest man in the world! How does he know so much? I'll bet he has tons of friends. When I grow up, I want to be just like him, except maybe not with that weird moustache.

Science questions explored: How do tadpoles develop into frogs? How do butterflies -- hmm, it looks like we should go back to the tadpole-frog thing for another few weeks because you kids don't seem to be getting it. Ok, the tadpole -- can we pay attention, please? Eyes up front. Could we please stop throwing the tadpoles? I'll wait.


A scientist in middle school: Some of my classmates seem to have gotten large and confident very quickly. And the kids with the most friends are the ones who think science is lame. But I want friends. And I don't think science is lame. Ah, the eternal question: WWDHD? ("What would Don Herbert do?")1

Science questions explored: What is the difference between "weight" and "mass," and why won't you understand it no matter how many times it's explained? What is static electricity, and why won't you understand it no matter how many times it's explained? What is a hypothesis, and why won't you understand it no matter how many times it's explained?


A scientist in high school: The kids who beat me up last year are gone. They're off working or smoking things or being pregnant, while I get to take AP physics and learn how far a cube would travel up a frictionless incline when propelled by a spring. Important stuff! Hey, I even joined the Science Club, which seems to exist only to assure us that we socially rank above the Math Club. Except that most of us are also in the Math Club.

Science questions explored: How did human beings evolve? Just kidding. Your parents would kill me if I taught that. Let's just draw some more Lewis dot structures.


A scientist in college: Actual science researchers are teaching me actual science, and I get to take actual lab classes and wear actual goggles! Now I'm finally doing real experiments asking real questions -- provided those questions can be answered using scientific equipment from 1978. (Incidentally, that's a neat volumetric flask. Oh, I see, it holds 500 mL of water. I wonder whether that means it'll hold 500 mL of beer. Go science!)

Science questions explored: Why is Orgo at 8:00 a.m.?


A scientist in grad school: Uh ... uh-oh. I thought I knew what science was, but I was dead wrong. Apparently "science" means "work," and in grad school, it means "work for which I'm scarcely paid." Hello, high school acquaintance at my 10-year reunion! Oh, you work in finance? Neat. Wait, you have how many houses? Wait, your spouse is how hot? Me? Well, unlike you, I'm smart. So I work 14-hour days and make $15,000 a year. Because I'm smart. Stop laughing.

Science questions explored: Whyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy???????????


Postdoctoral fellowship: Seriously? I survived 7 years of grad school, and I'm still not a scientist?

Science questions explored: Seriously?

* * *

I put little stickers on several hundred vials this morning. That was my morning. Diseases cured: zero. Vials with little stickers on them: several hundred.

One accepts a certain amount of drudgery as the price of performing world-changing science. After all, it's called "lab work," not "lab fun." (Although it would be awesome to be able to say, "I did 5 hours of lab fun this afternoon!")

But at some point, we let the slog replace the dream, and we stop thinking of ourselves as thinkers, even advertising ourselves to potential employers by listing the techniques we've mastered rather than the problems we fantasize about solving. The high-minded ideals of science devolve, for many of us, into days and weeks of the liquid handling and button pressing we've been trained to perform.

Most of our work is meaningful, so when we find ourselves focused so intently that the details become the work, we need to take a step back. Recall the joy of playing with the triangle-shaped block, picturing a frictionless incline, or learning about the metamorphosis those tadpoles would undergo if only our classmates would stop throwing them. Remind ourselves that, in many important ways, our jobs do resemble our dreams, with the exception that we can now fill volumetric flasks with more expensive beer.

So the next time you have a long session of sample gathering, data processing, or, um, robot-being-like, ask yourself what would have fascinated you, as a preschooler, about your current work. Remind that preschooler that you're now a big, bad scientist -- dream accomplished -- and even if your day-to-day work isn't as glamorous as you'd hoped, you still have something to feel satisfied about the next time a colleague stuffs you in the biohazard bin.

[Eliseos]

I can't have been the only nerd going through school that never got beat up, because I would have beat the shit out of the kids that would have tried.

[Kaylia]

Completely off topic, but I think Kaylia speaks French. What does this mean?

"chaque pave de notre bonne ville de Paris est rogue"

I'm not even sure... no wonder why online translator couldnt translate it.

The best I can come up with is: The roads of our good old Paris city are "rogue".

Pavé = brick/stone road...not quite sure how its called in english. I went for road because I couldnt find an equivalent (pavement might have been more literal I guess)
Rogue = No idea ...Try to imagine what rogue could means when you talk about a road, and that's probably it...whatever that is.

[Plow]

I think it's saying paris has good roads

or new? or something

[Kuya]

I assume pave is pavimento, which means pavement. If so, i think it's saying that the pavement in the good city of Paris is arrogant. No idea what that's supposed to mean, but some context might help (the parisiens are arrogant?).

[Shiroikage]

Shiro probably does too, considering that Canadians are considered "lesser French", to a certain degree.

My French is horrid at best.

[Ferion]

Does anyone know a link or torrent to download a recent version of Matlab? I'm trying to write a program for my brother but don't have Matlab on my computer so I can't test it. Also figured it wouldn't hurt to have.

[Lhyet]

I caught part of a discussion on one of those morning chat show things with a scientist who was talking about lack of science funding in schools in comparison to certain other departments.
It really is quite disgusting that the one subject that will advance our quality of life and cure diseases is so overlook in many places for average people in this day and age.

I ended up having a rant about it with my fiancée who's from Spain. She told me that in many Spanish schools science is an optional subject to take... I was speechless at that.

How will we ever meet Turians if our kids don't get enough education in the sciences?

[Woozie]

Does anyone know a link or torrent to download a recent version of Matlab? I'm trying to write a program for my brother but don't have Matlab on my computer so I can't test it. Also figured it wouldn't hurt to have.

I got matlab from Demonoid. PM me if you need an invite.

[Woozie]

I caught part of a discussion on one of those morning chat show things with a scientist who was talking about lack of science funding in schools in comparison to certain other departments.
It really is quite disgusting that the one subject that will advance our quality of life and cure diseases is so overlook in many places for average people in this day and age.

I ended up having a rant about it with my fiancée who's from Spain. She told me that in many Spanish schools science is an optional subject to take... I was speechless at that.

How will we ever meet Turians if our kids don't get enough education in the sciences?

At the APS meeting in March 2009, there was a thing on science education in America. We're importing more physics (and educating more foreigners in physics) than we're raising on our own now.

Ohio is sort of trying to do the right thing now, with our STEM program. They're giving a lot more funding to science programs at public universities and trying to push science education in high schools. Or at least they we're going to do this...but I'm sure our new governor is going to put a stop to this.

[Mizango]

Before anyone asks, Woozie asked to be banned lol. He has a 5 page paper due tomorrow morning and has yet to get started.

Good luck broski!

[BerenTebogo]

Was going to ask, lol. Also, lol sig.

[Eliseos]

He has a 5 page paper due tomorrow morning and has yet to get started.

Procrastination has been my entire semester.

[Kaylia]

I assume pave is pavimento, which means pavement. If so, i think it's saying that the pavement in the good city of Paris is arrogant. No idea what that's supposed to mean, but some context might help (the parisiens are arrogant?).

The tone of that line wasnt really arrogant. "Good" is used to show the speaker's affection for the city more than anything. It could be considered arrogance, but without a very specific context, it probably is not.

[Mizango]

Was going to ask, lol. Also, lol sig.

I know right? lol. How have you been Sath, been missing you

Procrastination has been my entire semester.

Ughhh.

[Woozie]

Sorry for not explaining the context. I'm not even going to use that paper anymore, so it doesn't matter. It was supposed to be complaining about the filthy conditions in Paris.

[Kaylia]

Great.. Now people are going to shit their pants for another 10 years when it involve nuclear energy.


Very sad stuff though, more human casualty isnt what Japan needed though.

[Lhyet]

'"This is starting to look a lot like Chernobyl" Walt Patterson, an associate fellow with Chatham House, has told the BBC after seeing pictures of the explosion at the Fukushima-Daiichi nuclear plant.'

An energy and environment analyst/campaigner. Thanks for your scaremongering, shithead.
It'll be interesting to see how environmentalists will use this to scare people against nuclear power... in a country that will never have an earthquake/tsunami from causes like this.

[Woozie]

Am I missing something? I'm guessing this is related to the earthquake?

[Plow]

GUSY WUT HAPPENZ IF THE HARDON COLLIDER GETS HIT WITH AN EARTHQUAKE AND ALL THE BLACK HOLES START LEAKING OUT