Shit my dad says

[Sera]

REPOSTED FROM A FACEBOOK PAGE CALLED "SHIT MY DAD SAYS" -- THIS IS NOT MY DAD, IT'S SOME GUY NAMED JUSTIN'S DAD ffs you guys

http://www.facebook.com/pages/St-My-...8343488?ref=mf

Here's some of the shit his dad says:

"The dog don't like you planting stuff there. It's his backyard. If you're the only one who shits in something, you own it. Remember that."

"How the fuck should I know if it's still good? Eat it. You get sick, it wasn't good. You people, you think I got microscopic fucking eyes."

"Who is this woman?....Kate Beckinsale? Well, you can tell Kate Beckinsale she sucks."

"You need to flush the toilet more than once...No, YOU, YOU specifically need to. You know what, use a different toilet. This is my toilet."

"Don't touch the bacon, it's not done yet. You let me handle the bacon, and i'll let you handle..what ever it is you do. I guess nothing."

"Your mother made a batch of meatballs last night. Some are for you, some are for me, but more are for me. Remember that. More. Me."

"Your brother brought his baby over this morning. He told me it could stand. It couldn't stand for shit. Just sat there. Big let down."

"The dog is not bored, it's a fucking dog. It's not like he's waiting for me to give him a fucking rubix cube. He's a god damned dog."

"Love this Mrs. Dash. The bitch can make spices... Jesus, it's a joke. I was making a joke! Mrs. Dash isn't even real dammit!"

"I didn't live to be 73 years old so I could eat kale. Don't fix me your breakfast and pretend you're fixing mine."

(left on answering machine) "Hello? Hello? It's Sam. Anyone there? Nobody checks this god damned thing. HELLO?! HELLO?! Screw it."

"My flight lands at 9:30 on Sunday...You want to watch what? What the fuck is mad men? I'm a mad man if you don't pick me the hell up."

"It's watering plants, Justin. You just take a God damned hose and you put it over the plant. You don't even pay rent, just do it. Shit."

"Tennessee is nice. The first time I vomited was in Tennessee, I think."

"The dog is an outside dog. You want an inside dog, you go get your own inside."

If your brother comes by, tell him I'm on vacation. I already told him that, but who knows with that guy. Are you listening to me? Fuck.

[Sera]

"Why would i want to check a voicemail on my cell phone? People want to talk to me, call again. If i want to talk to you, I'll answer."

[Falisa]

Who's dad is this

[hagun]

Your dad is a god. We don't need to be married, but I must be his son in law. I'll hang with him for my comedic material. He's a gold mine like Yogi Bear.

[Senoska]

Eh, pretty close to my dad minus the weekly beatings.

[Alleya]

Wow...

Your dad sounds just like me.

Kinda sad that I sound like a 73 year old.

[Sera]

not my dad, some guy on FB who made a page called shit my dad says

my dad isn't allowed to talk unless his crazy ass wife tells him what to say first

[Alleya]

Well, you would be a lot cooler if he was.

[Sera]

moved these to OP

[Conrad]

Once my brother had to do a report on Tiger Woods, and he was telling this to my parents except he said he had to do a "geography" on Woods instead of a "biography" (he was like 7 or 8 at the time).

My dad, frustrated, responded with "Biography, not geography. Geography is math."

We still bust his balls for saying that

[Sera]

All I have to offer is "Shit my crazy ass veteran grandpa says"

Which is shit like: "well, I don't know when it happened, but -- HEY DONNA" (donna is my grandma) "DONNA, YOU GOT YOUR CUNT SEWN UP, RIGHT? YOU DON'T BLEED ANYMORE, RIGHT?"

[Sera]

btw that was yelled out at a family gathering, amidst all uncles, aunts, cousins etc

[Falisa]

All I've got is my grandma talking about how shes got the runs lately while we're sitting in a restaurant eating dinner.

[Conrad]

Well I have one grandma with dementia/Alzheimer's/brain damage/all of the above, and I have another grandma who's manipulative, selfish, materialistic, and bitter. I'm not sure which of the two says funnier things.

[BRP]

My grandfather thinks I hack his online poker games and make him lose. He once told my mom(since I rarely see him, which makes the whole thing even weirder) that he was going to kill me. He only speaks in unintelligible(after several strokes) spanish and I've never had a full conversation with him.

[quannum]

my daddy used to say fuck yo daddy.

[Effluo]

"The beatings were for your own good. See, you turned out all right"

"I can still kick your ass"

[AkashiXI]

"Don't touch the bacon, it's not done yet. You let me handle the bacon, and i'll let you handle..what ever it is you do. I guess nothing."

^lol

[TheShadyMan]

Dad: "Excuse me"
Me: "There is no excuse for you."
Dad: "Yeah there is, lack of birth control in the 60's."

[Mistress Stowastiq]

"That is your pee pee, you do NOT let boys touch you there, your body is a castle and you are a princess. You are special. Always respect your body."

"See those grains of salt on my doorknob? That is my room and that is where MY shit is. You do not touch MY shit. You don't touch shit that don't belong to you. If I find a grain of salt on the floor when I get back I will whip your ass."

"You do not say I Ain't you say I AM NOT!" (repeat for all ebonix and replace with proper English), "When you talk to white people, if you sound like a nigger, you will be treated like a nigger. You are NOT a nigger, so stop talking like one!" (father is black btw)

"Oh you are bored? You got too much spare time on your hands.. go get the dictionary and read it, then you will not be bored. When you are done you come back here and tell me what you learned. I want words."

"You think you are gonna lay on your ass all day during summer and watch tv? No. Go wash your ass and get dressed. Until you have a job, your job is to look for a job all day and do not come back until 5pm."

"Get your ass outside and don't come back until you find a branch for me to whoop your ass with." (we would try to be slick find small branches and he would use it on our hands if we did.)

"Art paper? you want art paper? Where is the expensive shit I got you last week? Go get that paper bag and draw on it. Now watch how it's done." (he would proceed to draw an incredibly detailed and beautiful piece of artwork on a brown paper bag). "Now, don't let me hear you tell'in me you have nothing to draw on."

"Wanna see what it's like to drink? C'mere and taste this. (proceeds to give me cap full of gin). Tastes like shit huh? Burns doesn't it? "Now you know why you don't drink." (never once had a problem with us drinking as teens.)

My dad reminded me of Foghorn Leghorn/Yosemite Sam because he would always do the "Gimme that! Here, let me show you how it's done," thing when he caught us using brooms or vacuum cleaners improperly. Soon we figured out that if we faked it, he would do our chores for us during his demonstrations of how to do it properly.