Pirates 4: On Stranger Tides (MC: 45, RT: 33%)

[aduidarnenye]

http://thechronicleherald.ca/Columnists/1174010.html

New story about Pirates 4. Disney is requiring real boobs for the actresses.

You might say Disney’s acting like a real boob

HERE’S A TEMPEST in a D-cup: Disney’s going to ban fake breasts in its next Pirates flick.

It’s true.

According to the Sunday Times (of London), casting people working on Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides are looking for: "beautiful female fit models. Must be five-foot-seven to five-foot-eight, Size 4 or 6, no bigger or smaller. Age 18-25. Must have a lean dancer body. Must have real breasts. Do not submit if you have implants."

Well, that’ll certainly come as good news to the naturally endowed wenches amongst us.

Imagine. Real breasts! Talk about poetic justice.

I’d like to say this represents a giant leap towards ending sexism in Hollywood but let’s hold the applause for a moment.

We’ve seen breast-augmented wenches in Pirates flicks before, but it seems that today’s savvy movie goers can spot an enhanced wench a mile away.

And clever audiences that we are, we’ve figured out that breast augmentations were not widely available in the 18th century, the era in which the Pirates flicks are set.

So the casting people wanted to keep it real. And by real, they mean the — ahem — the jiggle factor.

Yes.

You see, the artificial breast apparently lacks the natural bounce and movement required of the authentic 18th-century wench.

When the augmented bosom is squeezed over the tightly laced wench’s bodice, it gives an appearance of two implanted cantaloupes. The resulting cantaloupe cleavage neither moves nor jiggles leaving something of a décolletage dead zone.

As audiences, we — and by "we" I mean men — like a little bit of the old to-and-fro in the bosoms of our wenches, thus the move to au naturel.

I’m not entirely sure this represents the feted end to sexism in Hollywood I was just talking about.

Nor this: According to the Times article, auditioning models will be subject to a test to prove that their chest furniture is 100 percent human.

No one has specified what this "booby trap" will involve or what will happen to the women who get "busted" for fakes. But if they’re looking for the jiggle factor, we can probably guess this test won’t be a high point for liberated womanhood.

And what about the idea that auditioning models should be between five-foot-seven and five-foot-eight, and Size 4 — no bigger or smaller?

Excuse me, but aren’t pirate wenches supposed to be buxom gals? Large and in charge? Serving and swilling beer in quantities?

And come on. A lean dancer’s body? With breasts that jiggle?

Natural breasts are composed of fatty tissue. Fat is what makes the breast jiggle. A lean dancer’s body is lean because it lacks fat. So by my calculation, they’re going to have trouble finding natural breasts that jiggle on a lean dancer’s body.

So I suppose we can applaud the fake boob banishment, but let’s not applaud too loud, because this has little to do with projecting images of real women or ending sexism in Hollywood.

It’s really just about the jiggle.

My guess is that Disney released these casting criteria as a publicity stunt to get people talking up the movie and focusing on the breast element before the film’s release next spring.

And that is exactly what I’ve done in this column. So I suppose you could say the joke’s on me.

[Qalbert]

Simply amazing.

[toonces]

how is this a giant leap to ending sexisms haha. I bet the just banning fake boobs so it looks more of the age.

But nice endowed > fake, any time. (that age range anyways )

ps: yes to lazy to read all that we talking about boobs here.

[ronin sparthos]

So how long till they somehow throw Miley Cyrus into this?

The Pirates series was pretty good but 3 just got a bit ahead of itself so 4 will either be terribad or turn the series back around towards the quality of 1 and 2.

Someone brought up the Spider-man movies which was a great example of watching a series crash and burn. 3 was so bad, I think watching piles of money burn for 90 minutes would have been more entertaining.

Pirates 4 wont have Will/Elizabeth so right there it has something going for it, did they confirm if Geoffrey Rush is going to back? Without him the old crew I dont think it's going to fly but yeah... it cant be as bad as Spiderman2+3/Transformers 2 so.... i'll give it a watch.

[BadKarma]

For a movie barely in pre-production there is alot of judgment going around

[ZombieHeadshot]

For a movie barely in pre-production there is alot of judgment going around

So the same as pretty much anything else ever mentioned anywhere at anytime, no matter how little info is released.

[ZarakiKujata]

I for one welcome our new small tittied overlords.

[Insanecyclone]

May 20, 2011

[Silenka]

Yesssssss.

Pirates has been done to death at this point and the trailer doesn't even make the movie look that good, but Depp plays such an interesting character as Jack Sparrow that the movie will be worth watching just for that.

[Headspace]

I agree, trailer doesn't make the movie look that interesting. I liked the mythology of 2, with davey jones, calypso, and the kraken, but this seems to lack it.

However, Depp plays a great character, and Ian McShane is the boss of all bosses.

[Tyrath]

Where does this fall in the timeline of the movies? Or is this an alternate universe or something?

[Gredival]

Where does this fall in the timeline of the movies? Or is this an alternate universe or something?

It's a direct sequel. He set off for the fountain after the end of 3 when Barbossa takes the Pearl again.

[Kaylia]

It's true the trailer didnt make it looks special, but everything I disliked about the 2nd and 3rd movie are gone. I think it has some potential.

[Rhinox]

Eww horse face is in it.

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[tyven]

Eww horse face is in it.

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which one? i didnt see liv tyler or sarah jessica parker.

[Ksandra]

Eww horse face is in it.

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but now we know her boobs are real

[ZarakiKujata]

Honestly, Jack Sparrow and fucking Ian McShane makes this entirely worth the price of admission.

[Rhinox]

which one? i didnt see liv tyler or sarah jessica parker.

Penelope Cruz

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[Acturus]

At the risk of revealing my ignorance, who is Ian McShane?

[Gryffes]

At the risk of revealing my ignorance, who is Ian McShane?

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