Rules of Love (A No Right Answer Thread!)

[Mojo]

Personally, I'm a big proponent of at least some form of financial stability and hate when people say stuff like "oh we don't need money, as long as we have each other." Living in Texas, I've seen plenty of couples that get married right out of college, and that just blows my mind. I know some schools like A&M even have places where you're supposed to propose before you graduate and whatnot. Hell, I have a friend who got married over the summer, and her husband is still in school. Just the idea of going from essentially living under your parents' wings to immediately living with someone else, and with the high probability of having tons of debt from student loans is crazy.

To answer the first question, I feel living together should be the trial run, but don't think an engagement with no end-date in mind is a problem. As long as the proposal more or less equates to "yes, I'm committing to you and we just have to go through the process of marriage eventually" I don't think it's that big of an issue.

If you ever want to get raged, go read about Mormon marriages (i.e. McMarriages.) What happens most of the time is that the guy returns from his mission and goes to the LDS singles ward. LDS couples aren't supposed to have sex until they're married and they're not supposed to masturbate on their missions (which last 2 years.) They literally have rules about being around eachother while they're out there so that people don't go off somewhere and masturbate. A staggering majority of these couples get married within a month or so of dating. Utah has the second highest divorce rate (go go Nevada) because of this.

[Serra]

Its a good thing that you guys talked about the whole children thing before getting married. My wifes girlfriend wants kids, but the husband does not want kids...

I say thats what she gets for pressuring the guy to marry her in order to meet her lifetime plan's time line. >.> You know, get married by X years old, have whatever gender child with that name by the time shes Y years old. blah blah blah. You really need some time to get each others veiws on this, and other topics, before tying the knot.

I feel addressing the issue of kids is something that should come up somewhere along the line before marriage... Not that people can't change their minds, but I feel that's one of the more serious issues when going into marrying someone, and if that was never discussed, how quickly did they get married?

[Mizango]

Living in Texas....

Stopped reading there.

[Nightfyre]

I feel addressing the issue of kids is something that should come up somewhere along the line before marriage... Not that people can't change their minds, but I feel that's one of the more serious issues when going into marrying someone, and if that was never discussed, how quickly did they get married?

Incoming cynicism, but I'd guess a lot of couples don't take the time to talk about those things anymore. Even fewer make an actual effort at communication.

[BerenTebogo]

When Caiti and I moved about a year and a half ago we almost closed on an apt. in NC, and looked all around the south at places since when I lived in FL I had a 2 bed 2 bath for 875 a month which will get you a SHITTY 1 bed 1 bath in MA. If we could stand the south I'd fucking kill to live there, when we checked some places in texas / bama it was like $450 for 2 bed 1 bath in a place with a pool and tennis court.

Blows my fucking mind man.

[Serra]

Incoming cynicism, but I'd guess a lot of couples don't take the time to talk about those things anymore. Even fewer make an actual effort at communication.

But that's the thing, kids come up just in passing even. I mean, you go to a movie theater, kid starts crying, guy says, "man I hate kids, I never want them." Or the girl sees a cute baby and says, "oh what a cute baby, I can't wait to have our own." Just something like that >.> <.<;

[Serra]

Stopped reading there.

I live in Austin... tiny oasis compared to the rest of the state >.>;

[BerenTebogo]

But that's the thing, kids come up just in passing even. I mean, you go to a movie theater, kid starts crying, guy says, "man I hate kids, I never want them." Or the girl sees a cute baby and says, "oh what a cute baby, I can't wait to have our own." Just something like that >.> <.<;

That's actually almost exactly how it came up for us years ago. Kid was crying in a restaurant and Caiti said something like, "I cannot fucking stand kids, never, ever will I let that shit happen to me" and my eyes like lit up with happiness. It was amazing.

Hard for it to not come up unless you really are just trying to avoid the pink elephant standing in the middle of the room.

[Diamicles]

This cant be stressed enough.


Edit: Also, I like what Sath said about his wife being the best possible fit for him. That is spot the fuck on. Fuck all the fairy tale bullshit.

I wasn't implying fairytale bullshit, realworld applications of the saying can be interpreted. Yes, sath said it better, so sue me.

Also, after reading his responses in this thread, I'd be OK with marrying Miz no homo

[Tyche]

Yes it is but Tyche you guys jumped right out of HS and into a long term thing, I cant EVEN imagine doing that lol. I am not envious of you in no form or fashion at all, I was not even close to ready for any kind of a relationship when I that age. Luckily I was honest with myself and got my sex bucketlist done first before I decided to walk down that path.

But youre is right, a marriage is work and should be thought about in full and complete detail before you even consider popping that question.

The high school thing is no doubt a factor, and a pretty substantial one. At 18 and 17, we hadn't lived together (although we ultimately did live together before marriage, but not before engagement), and we weren't really mature. People who get engaged at 25-27 have a chance to see their significant other in a different light than the "wide-eyed high school sweethearts" in which we viewed each other. I'm sure that's why the success rate of marriages after 30 is much higher than people who get married in their teens/early 20's.

Anyway, point being, the first, I'd say, after five or so years your with someone, they may very well be a different person. You hear the cliche line in movies all the time, "You're not the person I married". It's true, that does happen. Once you get married, you go through a ton of life-changes outside of marriage that can change your personality, feelings and even looks. Children can take a toll on you, financial obligations can be stressful, you typically begin the peak of your career in your 30's. All those factors substantially change your life outside of marriage, and you have to be prepared for them. Most people aren't, or they don't have that kind of foresight in their teens and early 20's.

[Deftscythe]

I've always been of the mind that you should get engaged because you want to get married, not because you don't want to break up. Sounds like your friend has got it mixed up.

I feel your pain. I have a friend in a similar situation. I've considered trying to talk him out of it, but when I look at him when the subject comes up I can just tell this is a lesson he's going to have to learn by making the mistake. They haven't lived together though, so I'm still hoping he'll wake up once they do.

[Jakson]

I think if you wait until the absolute perfect moment you are going to miss out on something that could be really great.

Seconding this. I've been shopping for a ring for a bit after realizing neither of us would have a perfect time to propose/be proposed to.

Also, honesty. One of the ways I know my girlfriend is the right one for me is that no matter how embarrassing or terrible something is that I've done or known of, I don't have any fear of telling her.

She also hasn't left me after my countless dutch ovens.

[willriker]

Oh they went out for years, it kind of baffles my mind as well. I know my wife and i are completely open with each other about it. You need to be as its a major topic. Heck, many people do not even see the point in getting married without having kids. They think you get married to have kids. Im not saying i agree with that point of veiw, but thats how they feel.

As for my wife's friends, they were going out for a very long time. She pressured him to get married. He proposed, and dragged his feet at setting a date. He would do his best to avoid the conversation, and she was content with being engaged. 7 months later my wife and I got engaged, and her friend got very jealous of us. I think it was because i was a lot more proactive about setting a round about date... i say round about, because most times, the vendor sets the actual date.

Sure enough, this put the screws to her friend and she chose the date to be month before ours was to happen. Its funny because its not my wife. two years later, she gets married. And, now that my wife and i are talking about having a child, her friend is going baby crazy. The only problem is that now her husband is digging his heels in, finally. He doesnt want children.

Nevertheless, shes got that master life plan going on. Somehow she thinks that she will get pregnant on a certain date, and her baby will be born on christmas... >.> Its obvious to us that shes just thinking about herself really. I mean who wants to have thier kid on christmas, we all know how much having a birthday on (or near) christmas has to suck. Sure it happens on accident, the baby comes when it comes, but to try to plan things like this is silly.

I would hate to see what happens if thier birth control fails and she gets pregnant. Everyone, and possibly her husband, will think that she made it fail on purpose. Though, she did pull the rip cord, my wife and i think shes heavy enough to have difficulties conceiving a child now.

Its one big cluster fuck.

Oh, did i mention that my wife and i moved into an apartment... and before we found an apartment, her friend bought a house? Its in a crappy area and really isnt very nice at all. But she did it. And she has a phycology degree, only to find out that she does not like working with people. So, now her husband is working day and night while she is maintaning her college job at the gas station.

All i can say is that i am glad she isnt my wife.

[Mizango]

I wasn't implying fairytale bullshit, realworld applications of the saying can be interpreted. Yes, sath said it better, so sue me.

Sorry, that was a generalization wasn't referring to you doofus, or anyone else specifically for that matter lol.

Also, after reading his responses in this thread, I'd be OK with marrying Miz no homo

We cant fight it.

[Mizango]

I've always been of the mind that you should get engaged because you want to get married, not because you don't want to break up. Sounds like your friend has got it mixed up.

I'm glad you said that, too many people think a ring can fix something that's broken.


inb4 Kobe.

[Ksandra]

- Do you think an engagement without a specific end-date is acceptable? Do you view engagement as a 'trial-run' to see if things work out before marriage?

As others stated, living together is the trial run, engagement is a process. I don't think anyone gets engage with an automatic end-date in mind, but I kinda get what you're saying here. I don't necessarily think it's good practice to get engaged, just to get engaged. I have seen people consider getting engaged the same as the idea of "going steady" was back in the day. While that's their choice, for me at least I wouldn't have wanted to get engage unless I actually really thought I wanted to marry said person. Of course there are still no real strings attached with an engagement, so in that sense it doesn't need to be taken extremely seriously if you don't want to to.

Oh and wanted to comment the living together situation. I did it, and I know people who didn't do it. I don't think it's necessary. For some people living together may greatly prolong the wedding date because their stuck paying bills because they got an apt together, whereas they could have been saving for a few months before their wedding if they stayed at home.

Obviously some people like to know what it's like to live together beforehand, but I wouldn't consider it a must-do situation.

- Do you feel love is something that comes from an absence in yourself, or insecurity? That people love in order to fulfill something that is perceived to be missing internally?

As other stated, the problem with love is for the most part is there is no definition of love. You hear phrases like "she completes me" or "soulmates" or as you said someone is completely happy and their love "enahances it". To me, it's just not worth trying to set it into one thing. I can't say what love is for everyone, but I can say my fiance feels like another part of me. Someone who will take care for me emotionally. And someone that no matter how mad I might be at him, I feel lighter when he smiles. Of course there's way more to it than that which is why it's so hard to explain.

- If you are married, or are currently or have been engaged, what do you feel are the wrong reasons for entering into such an arrangement? And the right reasons?

There's definitely no set right or wrong reason. But I supposed the only thing is if you aren't in love, and aren't willing to try and work things out.

This I think is the biggest failing of most marriages. Those where there's fighting and they run away from it. Or those that bottle up their feelings until they explode.

I've seen people marry for the right, and for the wrong, but what's right for some might be wrong for others, it's just too situational to say.

[Deftscythe]

I'm glad you said that, too many people think a ring can fix something that's broken.


inb4 Kobe.

You can't blame some people for getting ti wrong. It's well documented that the only thing bitches love more than smilies is shinies.

[Mizango]

You can't blame some people for getting ti wrong. It's well documented that the only thing bitches love more than smilies is shinies.

Real talk.

[Kryssan]

There's a reason Shiny Object Syndrome has the same acronym as another, more imminent need one.

[Mizango]

There's a reason Shiny Object Syndrome has the same acronym as another, more imminent need one.

looool good call.