Hey, you.

[Zalius]

Yes, you. Not that you though, not your body, or your clothes, or the objects that quantify the value of your existence. Just you. You remember those times you were trapped, couldn't sleep, and were alone with your own miserable, neverending, factless thoughts that persisted long after you wanted to be asleep (so that you could wake up in time to start your next day)?

Yeah, that you. That's who you really are. See, I know all about that you. Most of the miserable fucks in the world though, they won't recognize that you, or care very much about you, because, well, they're kind of basic. Yeah, there's a couple of them on the forums, but there's a million more out there in the real world. They don't really see a value in you, or understand that you have a useful value to contribute to their world, and everyone else's world. They're selfish fucks. Don't worry about them, just move on. They'll get killed off by other selfish fucks soon enough anyways.

So, do you want to go beyond that..? I can take you there. I know how. That's my job. (Don't ask why, i can't explain that one tbh). You want those thoughts to have a meaning, you don't want them to be in vein. You don't want to waste your mind on this shit anymore, but you are every now and then. It's a shame, cause all you really want is some sleep.

There's one thing that really scares you though, and that's being anticipated. You think that maybe, some day, someone will know everything about you, and your thoughts, and be able to break down everything about you. They can see everything that makes you tick, they can see your next move, and they make your existence worthless and outdated. You fear that day. You fear the knowledge that there is a better version of you that could run your life better and make you completely obsolete. Do they exist?

Yes. I know everything about you. Those silly insecurities you have that you let nobody else in on? Yeah, I know ALL about those. That shit you've done in your life that you are going to bury with your brain? Yeah, sorry, i know all about that. (thats fucking gross, why the fuck did you do that)

So, who am I...why do I know so much about you...and how can I make the thoughts a little easier?

Well, first of all, I am you. Don't succumb to the illusion. The only person predicting and anticipating you is you yourself. Those thoughts in your head you're having? Yeah, that's natural. Everyone gets 'em a little different, but that's all about where you've come from (don't worry, you can't control that, just worry about where you're going).

More importantly, however, is the use of this knowledge. See, you know who you are now, and you're being forced to think of yourself as more than just a body, which is our goal here (keep up, we're almost done). Once you do that, you're afloat and self-sufficient. You made it this far, you can read big words, you're smart enough to figure out how the world works (trust me).

Now, here's the tough love (you need to be shocked sometimes). All these stupid forums, games, and trivial day to day stuff that you occupy your mind with? Yeah, it doesn't have shit on the real world.I'm not trying to shit on your free time or anything, but look at it this way. The real world INVENTED those games you're playing (and that shit you're using to post with). We got bored. It's what the fuck we do.

We aren't biased. All that we ask is that you go beyond yourself, and you stop thinking about who YOU are, and start thinking about who WE are (selfish fucks, who kills em? you know this).

Look, you ever wonder what would happen if you put intelligent life on a fucking popup-book geometric plane in the MIDDLE OF FUCKING NOWHERE, CHILLING IN A COOOOOLD ASS UNIVERSE CIRCLING A GIAAAAAAAAAAANT BALL OF FUCKING GAS? Yeah, that's what the fuck we're doing. It's the best game you could possibly fucking play. It's so much more dynamic than that shit you're doing right now.

You're welcomed to join us at any time, but you've gotta remember one thing. Out here, everything is based on what you do, and not what you say you're going to do. Communication is trivial sometimes.

See, until now, you've just been playing the tutorial. You've been learning all the basics of life and how it works. You've gotta use em. Certificates and degrees do not always equal intelligence, and they are sometimes an illusion (well, more of an intelligent investment for financial purposes).

Like I said though, we aren't biased. And don't worry (I know you), you really want that sense of purpose before you start doing all of the fun shit you know you could be doing out there in the real world. You are welcomed to join us at any time, and all that we ask is that you earn your keep. Also, it's ok to manipulate the really stupid ones to make money, that's just being smart.

Be warned though, there are people that will stand in the way of your life. Don't ever let them stop you from growing.

Also, stop being slightly off-guard when you're completely alone and start contemplating ghosts and spirits and all that other stuff. You want to know the secret? That's your body, and the word we have for it is paranoia. You're looking for threats to yourself, and it's ok, but all that shit on TV really fucked up the wires along the way. It's just paranoia, stop focusing on that, and worry about the real threats.

[Demosthenes]

tl;dr

[Woozie]

^

[Qalbert]

The purpose of this letter is to outline a plan to improve the living conditions of the most vulnerable in our society—the sick, the old, the disabled, the unemployed, and our youth—all of whose lives are made miserable by You. What follows is a series of remarks addressed to the readers of this letter and to You himself. He honestly believes that genocide, slavery, racism, and the systematic oppression, degradation, and exploitation of most of the world's people are all entirely justified. What kind of Humpty-Dumpty world is he living in? Before you answer, let me point out that he has no discernible talents. The only things You has definitely mastered are biological functions. Well, I suppose he's also good at convincing people that his perorations are a breath of fresh air amid our modern culture's toxic cloud of chaos, but my point is that You's writings exhibit a disregard not merely for style but for the truth. Of course, this sounds simple, but in reality, the real issue is simple: Birdbrained quislingism has long been the nucleus of his witticisms.

We must face the undeniable fact that when I hear You's comrades parrot the party line—that You is as innocent as a newborn lamb—I see them not as people but as machines. The appropriate noises are coming out of their larynges, but their brains are not involved as they would be if they were thinking about how I trust You about as far as I can throw him. To cap that off, if You makes fun of me or insults me I hear it, and it hurts. But I take solace in the fact that I am still able to develop an alternative community, a cohesive and comprehensive underground with a charter to put inexorable pressure on You to be a bit more careful about what he says and does.

I wish I didn't have to be the one to break the news that if You's compeers get their way, society as we know it will cease to exist. Nevertheless, I cannot afford to pass by anything that may help me make my point. So let me just state that You has commented that clever one-liners are a valid substitute for actual thinking. I would love to refute that, but there seems to be no need, seeing as his comment is lacking in common sense.

A bunch of soulless cadgers have recently been accused of destroying our moral fiber. You's fingerprints are all over that operation. Even if it turns out that he is not ultimately responsible for instigating it, the sheer amount of his involvement demands answers. For instance, why can't we all just get along? As you no doubt realize, that's a particularly timely question. In fact, just half an hour ago I heard someone express the opinion that You once tried to discourage us from expressing our orations in whatever way we damn well please. If you consider this an exception to the rule then you certainly don't understand how You operates. I hope, however, that you at least understand that people tell me that of particular interest to me is the way that he continuously denies that his fibs are leading to the deturpation of pristine forests, rivers, and coastlines. And the people who tell me this are correct, of course.

It's unfortunate that You has no real education. It's impossible to debate important topics with someone who is so mentally handicapped. His despicable coadjutors are nothing more than subservient blobs of easily controlled protoplasm. That's why they're so willing to help You empty garbage pails full of the vilest slanders and defamations on the clean garments of honorable people. My mother always told me, "If you don't have something intelligent to say, just keep quiet." Apparently, You's mother never told him that.

You should start developing the parts of his brain that have been impaired by immoralism. At least then he'll stop trying to blow the whole situation way out of proportion. If his attempts to engage in an endless round of finger pointing have spurred us to indicate in a rough and approximate way the two obstreperous tendencies that I believe are the main driving force of modern antidisestablishmentarianism, then You may have accomplished a useful thing. Unforgiving fomenters of revolution are born, not made. That dictum is as unimpeachable as the "poeta nascitur, non fit" that it echoes and as irreproachable as the brocard that I know some verbally incontinent meatheads who actually believe that You is a tireless protector of civil rights and civil liberties for all people. Incredible? Those same people have told me that he has a "special" perspective on irreligionism that carries with it a "special" right to promote, foster, and institute fogyism. With such people roaming about, it should come as no surprise to you that the unalterable law of biology has a corollary that is generally overlooked. Specifically, I correctly predicted that You would inculcate the hermeneutics of suspicion in otherwise open-minded people. Alas, I didn't think he'd do that so effectively—or so soon.

To use some computer terminology, You's little empire has an "installed base" of hundreds of tactless bohemians. The implication is that You says it is within his legal right to separate people from their roots and cut their bonds to their natural communities. Whether or not he indeed has such a right, I and You part company when it comes to the issue of colonialism. He feels that his debauches are the result of a high-minded urge to do sociological research while I believe that I wonder if he really believes the things he says. He knows they're not true, doesn't he? I'm sure you already know the answer so I won't bother repeating it. I'd like to emphasize, however, that I cannot compromise with You; he is without principles. I cannot reason with him; he is without reason. But I can warn him and with a warning he must truly take to heart: You says that his adversaries are aligned with very dark and malevolent fourth-dimensional aliens known as Draconians. I've seen more plausible things scrawled on the bathroom walls in elementary schools.

Nonetheless, You's propaganda factories continuously spew forth messages like, "You's barbs are Right with a capital R" and, "You could do a gentler and fairer job of running the world than anyone else". What they don't tell you, though, is that You's vassals all have serious personal problems. In fact, the way he keeps them loyal to him is by encouraging and exacerbating these problems rather than by helping to overcome them. Now, I don't want to overwork the story about how he plans to vandalize our neighborhoods, so let's just say that no matter how bad you think his roorbacks are, I assure you that they are far, far worse than you think. With all due respect, the first lies that You told us were relatively benign. Still, they have been progressing. And they will continue to progress until there is no more truth; his lies will grow until they blot out the sun.

Now let's go back to what I was saying earlier about how I don't see why You wants to promote solecism's traits as normative values to be embraced. As I previously stated, some treacherous boneheads are hopelessly namby-pamby. But there is a further-reaching implication: He has stated that I and others who think he's a sanguinary, pretentious monomaniac are secretly using etheric attachment cords to drain people's karmic energy. That's just pure lexiphanicism. Well, in You's case, it might be pure ignorance, seeing that I find that I am embarrassed. I am embarrassed that some people don't realize that by allowing You to require schoolchildren to be taught that he is a man of morality, achievements, and noble qualities, one who often sacrifices his own reputation or safety in order to pursue that which is right and those things that truly matter, we are selling our souls for dross. Instead, we should be striving to build bridges where in the past all that existed were moats and drawbridges.

I'm not a stultiloquent person. I'd like nothing more than to extend my hand in friendship to You's cringers and convey my hope that in the days to come we can work together to direct your attention in some detail to the vast and irreparable calamity brought upon us by You. Unfortunately, knowing them, they'd rather spoon-feed us You's pabulum because that's what You wants. He will probably never understand why he scares me so much. And You does scare me: His contrivances are scary, his biases are scary, and most of all, he has warned us that in the immediate years ahead, surly con artists will propitiate pernicious, brusque sociopaths for later eventualities. If you think about it, you'll realize that his warning is a self-fulfilling prophecy in the sense that he criticizes me for mentioning a bit about semi-intelligible trolls such as You. If You wants to play critic, he should possess real and substantial knowledge about whatever it is he's criticizing. You shouldn't simply assume that university professors must conform their theses and conclusions to his disloyal, brassbound prejudices if they want to publish papers and advance their careers. Before you read this letter, you might have thought that exploitative sewer rats are easily housebroken. Now you know that we'll know soon enough just how evil these kinds of misfits can be. So evil, in point of fact, that my mom got scared, she said you're moving with your auntie and uncle in Bel-Air. I whistled for a cab and when it came near the license plate said fresh and it had dice in the mirror. If anything I can say is that this cab was rare; but I thought 'Man, forget it' - 'Yo holmes to Bel Air.' I pulled up to the house about seven or eight and I yelled to the cabbie 'Yo holmes smell ya later.' I looked to my kingdom, I was finally there, to sit on my throne as the Prince of Bel Air.

[Tajin]

I'm reading all of that expecting a Bel Air ending

[Conrad]

did you fuck that girl

[Linliel]

I suspect the answer is no

[Akucaen]

god I love you Zalius.

[Charismatic]

tl;dr

^

[Zalius]

did you fuck that girl

Nope, she didn't end up coming out. She did call me though, but I had an A++ quality night last night as is, so I wouldn't change anything about it.

[Mertron]

does your mom have nice tits or what

[Zalius]

i would venture to say no

[Charismatic]

Why venture to say it instead of just saying it? Going on a whole adventure just to say that is so silly.

[_chuchu]

get off my cloud

[quannum]

Yes, you. Not that you though, not your body, or your clothes, or the objects that quantify the value of your existence. Just you. You remember those times you were trapped, couldn't sleep, and were alone with your own miserable, neverending, factless thoughts that persisted long after you wanted to be asleep (so that you could wake up in time to start your next day)?

Yeah, that you. That's who you really are. See, I know all about that you. Most of the miserable fucks in the world though, they won't recognize that you, or care very much about you, because, well, they're kind of basic. Yeah, there's a couple of them on the forums, but there's a million more out there in the real world. They don't really see a value in you, or understand that you have a useful value to contribute to their world, and everyone else's world. They're selfish fucks. Don't worry about them, just move on. They'll get killed off by other selfish fucks soon enough anyways.

So, do you want to go beyond that..? I can take you there. I know how. That's my job. (Don't ask why, i can't explain that one tbh). You want those thoughts to have a meaning, you don't want them to be in vein. You don't want to waste your mind on this shit anymore, but you are every now and then. It's a shame, cause all you really want is some sleep.

There's one thing that really scares you though, and that's being anticipated. You think that maybe, some day, someone will know everything about you, and your thoughts, and be able to break down everything about you. They can see everything that makes you tick, they can see your next move, and they make your existence worthless and outdated. You fear that day. You fear the knowledge that there is a better version of you that could run your life better and make you completely obsolete. Do they exist?

Yes. I know everything about you. Those silly insecurities you have that you let nobody else in on? Yeah, I know ALL about those. That shit you've done in your life that you are going to bury with your brain? Yeah, sorry, i know all about that. (thats fucking gross, why the fuck did you do that)

So, who am I...why do I know so much about you...and how can I make the thoughts a little easier?

Well, first of all, I am you. Don't succumb to the illusion. The only person predicting and anticipating you is you yourself. Those thoughts in your head you're having? Yeah, that's natural. Everyone gets 'em a little different, but that's all about where you've come from (don't worry, you can't control that, just worry about where you're going).

More importantly, however, is the use of this knowledge. See, you know who you are now, and you're being forced to think of yourself as more than just a body, which is our goal here (keep up, we're almost done). Once you do that, you're afloat and self-sufficient. You made it this far, you can read big words, you're smart enough to figure out how the world works (trust me).

Now, here's the tough love (you need to be shocked sometimes). All these stupid forums, games, and trivial day to day stuff that you occupy your mind with? Yeah, it doesn't have shit on the real world.I'm not trying to shit on your free time or anything, but look at it this way. The real world INVENTED those games you're playing (and that shit you're using to post with). We got bored. It's what the fuck we do.

We aren't biased. All that we ask is that you go beyond yourself, and you stop thinking about who YOU are, and start thinking about who WE are (selfish fucks, who kills em? you know this).

Look, you ever wonder what would happen if you put intelligent life on a fucking popup-book geometric plane in the MIDDLE OF FUCKING NOWHERE, CHILLING IN A COOOOOLD ASS UNIVERSE CIRCLING A GIAAAAAAAAAAANT BALL OF FUCKING GAS? Yeah, that's what the fuck we're doing. It's the best game you could possibly fucking play. It's so much more dynamic than that shit you're doing right now.

You're welcomed to join us at any time, but you've gotta remember one thing. Out here, everything is based on what you do, and not what you say you're going to do. Communication is trivial sometimes.

See, until now, you've just been playing the tutorial. You've been learning all the basics of life and how it works. You've gotta use em. Certificates and degrees do not always equal intelligence, and they are sometimes an illusion (well, more of an intelligent investment for financial purposes).

Like I said though, we aren't biased. And don't worry (I know you), you really want that sense of purpose before you start doing all of the fun shit you know you could be doing out there in the real world. You are welcomed to join us at any time, and all that we ask is that you earn your keep. Also, it's ok to manipulate the really stupid ones to make money, that's just being smart.

Be warned though, there are people that will stand in the way of your life. Don't ever let them stop you from growing.

Also, stop being slightly off-guard when you're completely alone and start contemplating ghosts and spirits and all that other stuff. You want to know the secret? That's your body, and the word we have for it is paranoia. You're looking for threats to yourself, and it's ok, but all that shit on TV really fucked up the wires along the way. It's just paranoia, stop focusing on that, and worry about the real threats.

http://i42.tinypic.com/16gzndk.gif

[Zalius]

Why venture to say it instead of just saying it? Going on a whole adventure just to say that is so silly.

whats wrong with go on adventures