Men: On infidelity, adultery and marriage

[zoobernut]

I don't think most people are against marriage itself, because realistically there's nothing wrong with deciding you couldn't really be as close or intimate to anyone else as you are with your partner. But I think the belief that people "need" to be married is really wrong. It just simply doesn't work for everyone, yet most people are pushed into it. There are very few people who actually get married because they get the full benefits of being married.

That is what I said in my post. I don't think people should get married because they feel like they "need" to I think it works for some people because of a variety of reasons and it really inherently will not work for others because of a different set of reasons.

In the end though marriage is more of a symbolic and legal gesture. Really the life you build with someone is much more binding than marriage in my opinion.

[Darus Grey]

People need to stop associating marriage with monogamy, they have absolutely nothing to do with each other.

[zoobernut]

People need to stop associating marriage with monogamy, they have absolutely nothing to do with each other.

Who is doing that? I don't really think they go hand in hand. There are happily married people who are not monogamous (swingers) and there are people who aren't married who are completely monogamous.

If you are going to get married and expect monogamy then you should already be that way long before you get married and it should be mutual between both people.

[Kkel]

I'll be 31 this year. I've been with my girlfriend for almost 8 years. Despite pressure, and not so subtle hints, from her parents, marriage is not on the table. It has nothing to do with fidelity, or not caring, or an "escape option", etc. I just think that marriage is pretty much a giant fucking sham. I know I feel this way mainly because my parents divorced when I was 11. To this day, they still take each other to court and try to sue each other. They have made each others lives miserable, neither able to move on with their lives individually after 20 years. They are both educated, brilliant, people, locked forever in an irrational, childish, game that will only end when one of the other is dead... and maybe not even then. It has irrevocably skewed my, and my brothers, perceptions of matrimony.

She, on the other hand, views marriage as a goal. Something that needs to be accomplished to fulfill a criteria for justification in her life. She openly acknowledges that this is a value that was instilled in her by her parents, especially her mother. I feel as if this view is shared by a lot of women. It's measure of success, a representation of stability, and a display of tradition acceptance. It's every little girls dream, or so the saying goes. The older she gets, the more she feels this way.

I once asked her what was more important: Being in a long term, stable, positive, loving relationship, or being married? She couldn't answer immediately, and it crushed her spirits pretty badly. It's hard to break tradition, especially one that's been reinforced for your entire life. She still struggles with that question. If she decides marriage is more important, she knows where the door is. It will be her decision to walk away though, my feelings on the matter are clear.

TLDR: Marriage is a farce and don't get involved in something you're not willing to walk away from.

[Meresgi]

What do people here mean by society? Who tells you to get married exactly? Or were you guys speaking figuratively.

Same people that tell you, you should go to college. Goddamn those people.

I'll be 31 this year. I've been with my girlfriend for almost 8 years. Despite pressure, and not so subtle hints, from her parents, marriage is not on the table. It has nothing to do with fidelity, or not caring, or an "escape option", etc. I just think that marriage is pretty much a giant fucking sham

That's how I feel and view it too. My mother remarried but I still see little point in it other then a financial benefit.

[Tyche]

My parents got divorced when I was 9. To this day, they're still very good friends.

Been with my wife sine I was 16. One (somewhat) lengthy in the 10 years since. Married, children, love it.

@Kkel, if your girl wants to get married, you're getting married. If you don't, you're getting a new girl.

Also, this thread is fucking confusing.

[Stumblingdrunk]

don't get involved in something you're not willing to walk away from.

wat?

[Flatliner]

I'm 22, been living with my gf for a year, "dating" for 2, and friends for 4. I want to get married with her because it'll lower my care insurance and I get to spend the rest of my life looking at her going: "You see that girl right there? She's fucking mine." And I want to spend the rest of my life with her because there is nothing nicer than knowing that when I come home at night, no matter how good or bad my day was, that she will be there. With that said, we don't intend to get married for another 4+ years, and we're totally cool with that. We want to make sure that we are both financially secure and are willing to settle down (read: not need for move around for work or school).

I don't think marriage is for all people, just like monogomy isn't for all people, and like college isn't for all people. If you want to be sexually free, then go do it, and that goes for both men and women.

[Stumblingdrunk]

no person will ever be "yours" there's no transfer of ownership from the parents in the marriage license. Unless maybe there were goats involved in the dowry.

[Kkel]

@Kkel, if your girl wants to get married, you're getting married. If you don't, you're getting a new girl.

It's not her decision to make, period. I already know where she stands on the issue. She knows where I stand on it. She knows she can walk away if being married is really more important than our relationship. I know she can make that decision at any time. It's worked out well for 8 years so far. We both know our relationship is too good to sacrifice because of adherence to tradition. I also know she wants to get married in a church and that will never fucking happen.

Now, if the prospect of kids comes to the table, things might change. Having kids is the only real reason I can see to get married and only then because of the financial benefits. If I was significantly independently wealthy, there would really be no reason.

wat?

Never get so involved in something, anything, that you're not willing to cut your losses on and walk away if you need to (of course, realizing the fact that a person may not necessarily recognize that need while in the middle of a given scenario). That includes relationships. Don't do, or continue to do, something just for the sake of doing something.

[Tyche]

Actually, it very much is her decision to make (at least as much hers as it is yours). You don't seem ready to get married yet anyway, you come off as incredibly stubborn and unwilling to compromise.

I'm very /not/ religious. My wife wanted to get married in a church. I didn't. Ultimately, we had on outdoor wedding and had a somewhat traditional Christian marriage, at least as far as the vows went. I had no problem with it.

[Eaglestrike]

Ok, you love her, but why did you decide to MARRY her(legal marriage, that is, I assume)?

Marriage =/= Love.
Marriage =/= Monogamy
Marriage =/= Trust...or any other platitudes we love to assign to it.

Marriage...is nothing but a fiscal contract that states terms for the division of your assets if you should separate.

So think hard about it, why did you decide to MARRY?

That's not how most people would define marriage, especially not females.

[Kuya]

Females would define marriage as a merger of souls where two people declare undying love for eachother and some other gay shit.

[Tsuko_Asura]

Most women are morons

[Kkel]

Actually, it very much is her decision to make (at least as much hers as it is yours). You don't seem ready to get married yet anyway, you come off as incredibly stubborn and unwilling to compromise.

It's our decision. The only decision that's exclusively hers is the one to accept or walk away.

The compromise argument comes up all the time. Why am I stubborn? Why is getting married the compromise? What makes it the intrinsically "positive" choice?

[Tekoa]

Probably because society told him that's what you do next.

I'm sure it could be argued all day that whatever society tells you or deems as the norm is what the average person will do. For instance, if instead of marriage, ballroom dancing was the next step in a committed relationship, this would be a vastly different thread. So I guess you can credit everything anyone does to society telling them to do it. If that's the case, you are absolutely right. Society told me to get married after being in a relationship for 6+ years.

@Darius: You know you make a damn good point. Once I decided to not respond like a douche and take the time to read what you posted about what marriage isn't, it made a lot of sense. I do love her and in my eyes, marriage is just the next step in our relationship and our life together. From a strictly logical standpoint, you are 100% correct. From an emotional aspect (which love is an emotion right?) marriage is everything you deem it to not be.

[Tyche]

I said you come off as stubborn. If the compromise argument comes up often, then that should be a telling sign. Assuming your girlfriend is religious, and you are not (seems so from the post), how are you going to handle having children, and the decisions that have to be made that revolve around religious beliefs?

[Tsuko_Asura]

Marry someone who's capable of rational thought?

[Mizango]

Miz acting like he wouldn't dap up Tiger Woods if he could.

I'd dap that nigga up fierce.

[Tyche]

Marry someone who's capable of rational thought?

Not easy in the bible belt. I think my wife has slowly converted to being agnostic after being around me for so long.