BG relationships - help me explain...

[Koul]

Pretty much my bf is working in a really shitty small town in Canada until October.

He wants me to go up there with him but I told him no, I want to stay here and pursue my job and be with my friends.

He then says I don't care about him, I'm using him and if I really wanted to be with him I'd go up there to be with him until he comes back home.

more info: I went up there with him already for a month 1/2 but got deported because of my DUI, I then got the DUI expunged and that's why he wants me to go back up there. I also JUST started my job.

I feel like what he's saying is kind of true but just because I don't want to go back up there doesn't mean I don't want to be with him. I'm just wondering if there's anyway to explain it to him better. Because all he does is twist what I'm saying into me not wanting to be with him.

beyond irritating. I'm pretty sure there's no way to salvage the relationship but I don't want to give up yet.

[Dmitry]

If he's coming back tell him to suck it up. You didn't choose to go work there.

[Titanss]

They deport you for a DUI? that's funny

[Jefe]

You a chick or dude? How long you've been in this relationship?

[Daydreamer]

You were up there once, so by not wanting to come back of course he's going to think that, job or no job. Job be dammed, if you really like the guy you can find a new one up there, even if it does take a while, and even if it means getting a low paying non-career style job while you look.

Basically you want to be with him or you don't, if you are choosing the job over the move then you don't like him enough currently to move, and there is nothing wrong with that, but seriously just end it now before it gets worse.

[Koul]

They deport you for a DUI? that's funny

yeah, can't even visit the country for 3-10 years if you have a DUI.

after 3 years you can get a pass if you're doing like charity work. Then 5 years it's easier and then it completely disappears and they view you "rehabilitated" after 10.

it was easy as hell to get my DUI expunged though. Just went to the court, filled out 1 paper, put it in the drop box and a week later got it back with a sign from the judge and a accepted stamp.

[Titanss]

..wait. So you have to get the DUI there for it to take that long to enter? or even if you have one in the US it's the same?

[Koul]

You a chick or dude? How long you've been in this relationship?

dude.

been about... 8 months.

@daydreamer
My concern is being broken up with there and being fucked since he's the bread-maker. In my mind, 4 months will go by fast so he should just deal with it but he's crazy emotional.

[Koul]

..wait. So you have to get the DUI there for it to take that long to enter? or even if you have one in the US it's the same?

I had it in the USA, I don't know how it works if you got one there. I got in the first time because we said I was visiting then we went to Michigan, came back, said I was LIVING there and that sent a red flag... we go to the security thing... files are brought up. shabam.

[Velgadess]

way too insecure IMO plus trust issues. does he have reason(s) to question that?
I can understand the lonely part. him guiltying you into staying with him isn't a good sign. it's 4 months.

if you're determined to make it work, be direct and work on a compromise. relationships are give and take. can't be 1-sided or it's gonna either fail, or make the other bitter, miserable, resentful, etc etc.

[Elesirdur]

Let me guess, he's got a job working the tar sands up in Alberta or some other oil and gas venture in BC? If that's the case, don't go up there. It can be pretty, but it's expensive as hell because of all the high-paid oil and gas workers. Sure, Tim Horton's starts at $15/hr in Fort McMurray, but you'll be lucky to find a 1bdr appartment for less than $800/mo (or so I hear).

How long have you two been in a relationship? If it's been 2 or 3 years, then a few months separation should be doable if you really intend to stay together or get engaged. Also, are you already living together?

If it's been less than 2 years, and this isn't the guy you want to marry, then I say call it off for now but leave things open to reconciliation in the Fall - if you want that. If there was opportunities up there for you then I could see a decent reason to move with him, but failing that there doesn't seem to be anything up to motivate you to come other than him. The harsh reality for him is that's not enough as you seem to have needs and desires beyond just him that are keeping you in your current location.

[Titanss]

I had it in the USA, I don't know how it works if you got one there. I got in the first time because we said I was visiting then we went to Michigan, came back, said I was LIVING there and that sent a red flag... we go to the security thing... files are brought up. shabam.

Man that's fucked up I didn't think a misdemeanor would matter. What if i want to go to Canada..shit

[Elesirdur]

Man that's fucked up I didn't think a misdemeanor would matter. What if i want to go to Canada..shit

Become an ambassador or a diplomat. The RCMP lets you fucking run people over drunk if you've got that diplomatic immunity. (I wish I was kidding, but this actually happened a few years ago by some diplomat from Roumania or some Central Asian state)

[Jefe]

The reason why I asked is because chicks have a shit lot more to lose than a guy. Anyway, it's kinda fucked up position to be in. On the one hand it's messed up to ask you to move elsewhere and abandon w/e you have going on. On the other he'll give you what you just said, "oh you used me, you don't love me" etc. etc.

Do what's best for you, what makes you happy. If being with the guy in a shanty town is the answer, so be it. It ain't, stay, break it off and move on.

[Koul]

way too insecure IMO plus trust issues. does he have reason(s) to question that?
I can understand the lonely part. him guiltying you into staying with him isn't a good sign. it's 4 months.

if you're determined to make it work, be direct and work on a compromise. relationships are give and take. can't be 1-sided or it's gonna either fail, or make the other bitter, miserable, resentful, etc etc.

I think he has trust issues from his ex. I've never cheated on him or anything. I already gave up my job the first time I went up there to be with him. We've had issues in the past with him treating me and thinking I behave like his ex. Which, I'm no where close.

Really, if there's no other way to explain it to him except for "deal with it" I think it's gunna be a no-go. I feel like I've given up a lot already and it's my turn to be selfish

[Elesirdur]

Do what's best for you, what makes you happy. If being with the guy in a shantytown is the answer, so be it. It ain't, stay and break it off and move on.

Pretty much the best advice you can give anyone at any point in time. Doesn't mean you have to be self-centred in your world view, but everyone is selfish all the time (ie. makes decisions based on self interest and what is best for the individual at any given time, cf. altruism fallacy) and if he has a right to get down on you for not going, he's being a dick and selfish.

[Titanss]

Become an ambassador or a diplomat. The RCMP lets you fucking run people over drunk if you've got that diplomatic immunity. (I wish I was kidding, but this actually happened a few years ago by some diplomat from Roumania or some Central Asian state)

What happened last time I went to Canada via Niagara Falls (around there) was they just asked for country of birth (not even ID). Was that just because it was a trip on a bus or some shit?

[Elesirdur]

What happened last time I went to Canada via Niagara Falls (around there) was they just asked for country of birth (not even ID). Was that just because it was a trip on a bus or some shit?

It's only been recently that the US and Canada have started requiring passports for their citizens to cross the border. If that was a couple of years ago you only needed some form of gov't issued photo ID (driver's license, etc) to cross the border. And I think it's only been since 2008 or 2009 since all border crossings, including land and sea, need passports. So if it was before then, and you were coming from the US, presumably the border guards got your info from the bus company ahead of time and pre-cleared everyone. I don't think they really do that anymore with the heightened security.

[Titanss]

oh ok. ya this was before 9/11

[Koul]

Okay, think I made up my mind. Thanks for the advice, I like to get opinions from all over before I make these types of things~

lock/let die. whatever