Brill Weave Fights the Urge to Kill

[Brill Weave]

It has been a long time my friends. Far too long for my liking. Many months have passed since I regaled with you with my latest exploits. As the days drifted by like the tides I found myself missing my intrepid group of comrades.

But what had become of them? Have they forgotten the furor that once followed in my wake? On this hallowed day I shall take you upon a journey. A journey like no other. The journey that will inevitably lead to the bloodletting of one Gentle Ben.

As some of you may know, Gentle Ben is my brother in law now. After demanding they end their "Relationship" Gentle Ben then immediately proceeded to plant his demon seed within my sister in law Annie. Now my friends, the rage that I once demonstrated at the theft of a paltry container of buffalo chicken dip pales in comparison to my growing ire.

Every day I sit. Stewing. Waiting. Bad enough that Gentle Ben had ingeniously ingratiated himself into my extended family, he saw fit to take it one horrible step further.

Gather round. Today I shall recant the tale of Gentle Ben, Kind sweet Annie, and little Magnolia's decision to move into the palace next door.

My beloved wife and I have spent nigh upon three years restoring the home next door. We've sunk countless time and energy into what I have affectionately dubbed the Pit. My beloved wife's father was kind enough to sell us the first home at a generous price. For what would he need money? This man is truly a man among men. Mike is a giant of a man. And the kind of father all men aspire to be like, except the negros. Mike had cut his teeth in combat against the deadly Vietcong in a recon division. He followed this dangerous mission with an even more perilous profession. With the United States Post Office.

But Mike's time had passed. The shrapnel of friendly fire within his knees had finally caught up to the battle hardened warrior. So retiring with both a pension from the military and the post office, Mike immediately became a drain upon society. Being the man that he is, he offered us our home and the home next door on the condition that we return it back to it's once grandiose state.

What luck! Such prosperity in such a time of want. My friends time passed and the house had been completed. Still it was not signed over to us. Had Mike reneged? Had this once honorable man gone back on his word? Did the fog of old age settle over his combat rattled mind? Did he see Charlie in the trees? No. Sadly those would have been preferable to the horror that awaited me.

Without telling us, Mike had signed the house over to Gentle Ben. Soon to be missing and presumed dead Gentle Ben. The sheer amount of rage that I hold within me threatens all around me. Mike had paid back the king's ransom I had spent at the Home Depot. But the principle of the matter remained. Gentle Ben had fucked me up the ass.

My beloved wife for her part, tried to see the good in this. Being a good Christian, hatred seems to not be in her vocabulary. Her heart leapt at the amount of money we would save in daycare on the day I chose to implant her. I bit my tongue and bided my time.

Being the good husband that I am. I assisted Gentle Ben with the task of moving their worldly belongings into my house. All the while images playing through my mind of large appliances "falling" upon Gentle Ben from above. The move took two days, but it felt like an eternity. Every article that was taken into the house was a dagger to my heart. Things that would never be removed as I have no doubts Gentle Ben will end up a toothless alcoholic sitting upon the front step listening to Biz Markie as I head off to work.

My first mistake after the move was telling my beloved wife that I wanted the locks changed. As any married man will tell you, there are just some lines a noble man didn't cross. How could I have known that this was one of them? A few quiet days later I return home. The blinds on my front door open. Odd. I always left them closed in the mornings so I could enjoy the darkness before departing to my work.

Thinking nothing more of it I entered the house. To Gentle Ben. Watching porn on my laptop.

Now my friends, Gentle Ben is not what you would call a computer literate man. He has infected every computer he touches with more viruses than imaginable. My initial rage sends Gentle Ben scurrying out of my house like the vermin he is. Again I tell my beloved wife, the locks will be changed. She argues that Annie should not have to pay for Gentle Ben's perverted mistakes. I warn her that if anything like this should happen again, it would be done before she would even be home. Strike one.

A few days later I am attempting my latest culinary concoction, bacon wrapped cod, when a timid knock is at my door. Gentle Ben knows better than to speak to me at the moment. So it is no shock to me when Annie is outside greeting me. Can she have a beer? Now my friends, I am not so stingy as to deny a woman an adult beverage. Of course you may have a Yuengling. What's that? You would like two beers? By all means. Come again? Why do you want to know how much beer I have? No harlot, your fop of a husband cannot have a six pack. What's that? Your husband is too cowardly to come over and ask me himself if I'm still angry?

That was strike two.

Settling down a bit, I reclined into my favorite chair. And instantly remembered that this was where Gentle Ben was watching porn. Leaping up, I sat upon the couch as I began to tremble at the thought of taking out some of my aggression upon 14 year olds on Modern Warfare.

What's this? My internet connection is slower than Mizango denying that he's white. Everything seems fine what could it be? Had one of my targets upon yon internets backtraced my emails? Not quite. You see my friends Gentle Ben was now leeching off of our internet. My beloved wife felt that they shouldn't have to pay the fees for Comcast. She had given them the password to bypass my secure network. The consequences would never be the same. When questioned, my beloved wife defended her actions.

And now my friends, I sit before you a broken, bitter man.

[Zetanio]

Kill him.

[Not not Mattaru]

Buy a new laptop. Give him your old one.











After you cover it in anthrax.

[Soa]

I applaud your fine taste in beer.

[richardd]

this is like a horrible version of everybody loves raymond.

edit: re-reading it for the lols

[Byrthnoth]

Hmmmm..... the sad thing is, it'll only get worse.

So, your wife seems like the problem really. You can take her dad to court on reneging on a verbal contract. Minimum you'll get is reparations for labor (fuck Home Depot bills, that's small shit compared to the price any contractor would have paid to do the work you did, assuming you did anything at all.) Maximum would be the deed to the house, most likely. Problem is, your wife won't like that.

Something that is within your power to do and she can't stop you from doing is escalate the situation.
Make it obvious that you hate Gentle Ben. You don't have to kill him, but wait for some justifiable provocation and punch him in the face, kick him in the nuts, and tell him that he's a jackass and he should stay away from you and yours. He sounds like an idiot, so he'll try to get back at you in some stupid way (this is where your wife agrees to let you change the locks). You will no longer have to see Gentle Ben, nor will you be expected to. The situation may escalate to the point that it will cause marital friction. If it gets bad enough, your brother in law may get das boot and the problem would be solved. Alternatively, your wife may be willing to consider moving.

[Meresgi]

http://blogs.smh.com.au/mashup/images/applause.gif

Also fuck this guy, push him down his cellar stairs someday when your wife and his are out shopping. He broke every law there is. You don't touch another mans computer w/o permission, you don't seek to acquire another mans beer through subversion via your wife and you DO NOT fuck with a mans internet connection when he's trying to frag niggerspicjewfags across the internet.

[Mizango]

About goddamn time Weave. Holy shit I miss you <3



Homo.

[zoobernut]

Welcome back Mr. Weave. Bravo on yet another entertaining story though I am sorry this one is truly at your expense.

I say change the locks on your house stat and change your network id on a daily basis.

You gotta protect your shit.


You don't fuck with another mans computer.

[richardd]

yeah, seriously. that's more than crossing the line. fucking guy needs to have an electric dog collar on, if he ever pulls that shit again. i wouldnt even let mother teresa use my shit.

[Brill Weave]

The thing is that otherwise I get along fine with Ben. But this is so far across the line it's in ass beating territory.

[richardd]

no, dont do that lol. your wife is gonna be like debra from ELR and make you go nuts. just try to do something to sink down to their lvl so they can not only leave you alone, but fear you lol. something none violent obviously lol. thats sinking too low

[Abandon]

Several things to say.

First of all, THANK YOU GOD (OR SPACE MOLOCULES, FOR MIZ AND WOOZIE) (OH, OR MULTIPLE MATHEMATICAL THINGS I DON'T UNDERSTAND FOR MAX), Brill has returned!!
Second, I know I said this last time, THAT MOTHER FUCKER HAS TO DIE.
Third, someone (miz or richardd, this is you) must email me all of brill's stories. i intend to store them on my laptop (this is my work pc) and read them everytime i come within a coat of boot polish from breaking someone's neck.

Brill, i love you. quite possibly homo.

[Mizango]

someone (miz or richardd, this is you) must email me all of brill's stories. i intend to store them on my laptop (this is my work pc) and read them everytime i come within a coat of boot polish from breaking someone's neck.

rofl, I got you.

Brill, i love you. quite possibly homo.

Whatev, im gettin minez from Weave.

[Abandon]

nigga, i sent you my work email last week for that shit about that guy running for governor or whatever, and you didn't send shit!

[Norellicus]

How tech literate is your wife? If not very, there's lots of ways you could fuck up this cunt's access to your internet without straight up changing the password and having to reconfigure her computer (which would inevitably tip her off no matter how literate she is).

Or ask your wife if she'd trust this guy with her SSN or other sensitive data, because letting him on the network gives him very real access to this sort of information if he wants it.

[Mizango]

nigga, i sent you my work email last week for that shit about that guy running for governor or whatever, and you didn't send shit!

The transcript of his speech was too dope to be transcribed. Basil Marceaux .com is serious fucking business.

[Khajit]

I'd start cleaning the keyboard if you didn't already. You have no idea how many times he used the laptop for porn and uh the keyboard could be part of the "splash zone."
For the internet part i'd suggest limiting his connection speed or at least making your laptop and Xbox get priority. Find some way to block/filter out illegal/torrenting sites from him for when he downloads something that gets the record companies after you or if there's something similar to peer guardian that the router can filter requests through i'd suggest to get/use it.

[Brill Weave]

She's actually pretty computer literate. I actually have enough material for probably a few stories. It's just whether or not I decide to actually devote the time to write them out.

[Seraph]

Change the locks, don't tell your wife. Force her to live in their house with them for a month. She might just change her tune.

...or kill all of them and make an especially large portion of 'special' Buffalo Wing dip this holiday.


On a side note, I had something similar to this happen to me. My step sister decided to move into the same building as me with her child and baby daddy after they got kicked out of their last place for not paying rent on-time, and did not understand why I felt uncomfortable with the situation (let alone, giving them a recommendation). The rest of the family tried to guilt trip me into thinking this was ok, despite the numerous requests for babysitting, which pissed me off even more.

Hell is other people.

Edit: At least my wife hates them too, your situation sucks far more.