Am I a douche?

[zoobernut]

Sweetheart, you gave a person no hard limits whatsoever, asked for nothing, and now you're wondering why they didn't treat you well? Come on.

Why the FUCK do people think that doing this for someone is being "nice"? This isn't how you fucking show someone you care about them. Being a human rug / wallet isn't fucking chivalrous, it's fucking pathetic.

You didn't put the pussy on a pedestal, you dug yourself a hole to stand in. What human being (and I don't care if you're a man or a woman, this shit is universal), could look at someone degrading themselves and say "Wow, I really respect you as a person".

It isn't fucking romantic or devoted or "I'll be the best guy ever if I just give her everything she wants / space / whatever the fuck". All that say is that you don't have the fucking balls to demand to be treated decently. There is NO interaction that is one-way like that.

HINT: The kind of person who would accept you draining yourself out, giving everything, always paying...? This isn't anyone worth your fucking time.

And you know what? Bullshit on you being only upset that she "didn't tell you" she was sleeping with other people. Bullshit. You set up all these little unspoken expectations of buying things and paying attention = pussy for you. And you didn't get that. Because you didn't fucking ask for it.

Why the fuck should she respect you, when you clearly don't respect yourself?

This needs to be quoted for emphasis and to make sure it is read several times.

If you ask to be treated like shit then you will be treated like shit. There is nothing wrong with having expectations and making a relationship mutual. You might be in a completely different position if you just clear with her and said you didn't want her to see other guys or sleep around and expressed to her your feelings.

Like I said in my previous post: stuff does not equal love or even an expression of love. You buy shit for the people you love after you have established that you love them because you want to make them happy not as an expression of your love.

Edit: Based on your post above, again you got it backwards. First you express your feelings for someone, then if they return those feelings and you are in a mutual spot then you shower them with gifts and support them, not the other way around.

[Yabby]

If you live in troy you got money, let it go. Isladar said it the best.

[Bluefrostie]

You can't trust filthy whores like that. She'll just do it again once you get to that same level of trust.

[isladar]

..and honestly I wouldn't put it past a girl like that to try it again.

This is the part I don't fucking understand; I just grabbed this quote because it echoes a large majority of the comments made so far.

Do we not see a very LARGE connection between the OP's behavior/attitude/action and the end result of the situation? Do we miss this?

What on earth did the OP do to garner respect for himself in the interaction? Being "nice" and not being a man (i.e., a person worthy of respect, consideration, you know, that kind of shit) nets you this kind of result. Every. Fucking. Time.

[Franzer]

well, for what its worth, at least you got your dick wet

[Byrthnoth]

Stop buying people things. Material gifts open the potential for exploitation, and if a girl really likes you then she'll be perfectly happy with presents that are thoughtful instead of necessarily expensive. Sexual equality, stop taking chicks (you aren't dating) out for dinner and paying. Split it.

If a chick is so unenthusiastic about being with you that you have to legislate your relationship and she refuses to be exclusive, then it isn't a relationship and you shouldn't put too much thought into it. "Open relationship" is a license to cheat and a dumb idea if what you want is exclusivity.

I'd consider the PS3 a lost cause, and she may have lent it to her new boyfriend already anyway. Just stop talking to her or dealing with her, as she obviously has no respect for you. Also, don't tell her this because you'll seem like a drama queen and the last thing you need is something else making you look like a pussy.

[isladar]

Oh GOD this is seriously like one of the few kinds of situations that make me well and truly rage. Sorry I'm going off but it's so fucking blind it kills me.

You cannot care for someone unless you well and truly care for yourself. You can't. Not possible. Being selfless? IS EXACTLY WHAT IT SAYS. WITHOUT. SELF. Now why the fuck, were I the woman in question, would I take time out of my day to be considerate to someone who is pretty much doing everything in their power to convince me that they're not worth my time?

Do you see that part? You've spent all of your energy, money, and focus, convincing her and probably most everyone else you interact with, that you're not worth anything.

People tend to take you at your word.

[antihero]

well, for what its worth, at least you got your dick wet

oh, I misread I guess. as long as you were getting pussy on a regular basis I don't see the problem, relationships are basically just using the same hooker repeatedly anyways. take 50 mg of manthefuckup and carry on. echoing isladar, you gotta keep your foot on that bitch's neck, it's all about getting the pussy as many times as you can, while you can.

[Diamicles]

ilu isla

voice of reason in a sea of unreason

/dickriding

[Ksandra]

going to go into the boat of "I told you so" Seno :/

I don't want to be mean but I told you time and again, if you give a woman everything, she knows she can take it without giving anything back. She had no reason to tell you because she was getting all that shit anyway. And probably didn't want to fuck it up by telling.

You are not a douche, but you are like a lot of guys who get so easily used by a girl. as others said, it sucks ass but I hope this is a lesson learned. You keep saying you love buying girls gifts, but then you have to come to the reality, that even if you love it, it's not the right thing to do.

Also, you aren't a douche for wanting the ps3 back, but reality is, she's not going to give it, and there's not much you can do about it. :/

[Senoska]

I just want to make this clear: I had had a convo the day before she left with her about this. I made her give me her word and be TOTALLY honest about our relationship. This was the DAY BEFORE she left. When she left, I knew something was up. I sent her a text saying I knew what was up and I wanted her out. I had no proof of that, I just knew by intuition something was up. She told me I was just being paranoid, etc etc, and she was being honest with me. This is while she's at this guys house. I texted this at around 11:30. They slept together at 12. Me kicking her out of my life basically had no effect on her. She immediately slept with him.

As a matter of fact, when she came her to beg me for forgiveness, she told me she had to leave my house because she had work the next day at 10:00 and she lives in Madison Heights, like.. an hour away from where I was living at the time. The next morning I do my usual check facebook thing and see that we had a mutual friend post "Hung out with Shannon and this guy named Alex." I sent him a message and asked what time she had hung out til. 3:00 AM. He said they got together right after she went and picked him up from lansing. She left my house, went to this guys house, picked him up, and then stayed out til 3:00 AM and the ONLY reason I knew is because of a mutual friend. I went ape shit on her and told her again to GTFO and she basically broke down on the phone and said her girlfriend went and picked them up and she tagged along and they picked him up somewhere closer to her house, some bullshit story. I dont know. I know I'm done with her but I just really want my shit back.

[Lucienne]

Took me a while to write, so I might be repeating what has been said.

Oh man, where do I start.

There is a saying in Czech that goes something like dumb is the one that gives, even more so the one that doesn't take. I think you are an excellent example of that.

It always takes two people to fuck up a relationship, and I'm not going to go on here telling you what a bitch she is for doing that to you.

Also, is it wrong of me to be upset at her for sleeping with this guy? I mean, as much as I try not to let it bother me, it does. She basically used me while she had a fuck-buddy. Why would she hide this from me if not for using me?

It's not wrong to be upset over dishonesty, and it's not wrong to be jealous either. It might not have been her intention to use you. She could have just feared losing someone that was important to her. Was she aware of your feelings? If you were the entire time hoping it would develop into something more without expressing that openly you were not being completely honest either.

Am I a douche for wanting this back so I can pay off my credit card?

I told her she could keep everything else I bought for her, clothes, etc, if she gives me the ps3 back and I'm not doing it out of malice, I just don't think its right I put myself in debt for someone that cant keep the truth straight....

You're not a douche per se. I honestly don't really understand why she'd want to keep it, but then again I don't really understand why you'd ask her to give it back either. I guess the way I see it, it's the price you pay for stupidity. It was an expensive lesson, but hopefully in the future you won't set yourself in debt for someone that clearly doesn't deserve it in hope to win their favor. You can't buy love, only dependace and gratitude.

[shindycat]

Oh GOD this is seriously like one of the few kinds of situations that make me well and truly rage. Sorry I'm going off but it's so fucking blind it kills me.

You cannot care for someone unless you well and truly care for yourself. You can't. Not possible. Being selfless? IS EXACTLY WHAT IT SAYS. WITHOUT. SELF. Now why the fuck, were I the woman in question, would I take time out of my day to be considerate to someone who is pretty much doing everything in their power to convince me that they're not worth my time?

Do you see that part? You've spent all of your energy, money, and focus, convincing her and probably most everyone else you interact with, that you're not worth anything.

People tend to take you at your word.

Agreed. :/

[isladar]

Why are the details important?

What possible consequences were there for her to upset someone who can't respect himself?

[Senoska]

Oh GOD this is seriously like one of the few kinds of situations that make me well and truly rage. Sorry I'm going off but it's so fucking blind it kills me.

You cannot care for someone unless you well and truly care for yourself. You can't. Not possible. Being selfless? IS EXACTLY WHAT IT SAYS. WITHOUT. SELF. Now why the fuck, were I the woman in question, would I take time out of my day to be considerate to someone who is pretty much doing everything in their power to convince me that they're not worth my time?

Do you see that part? You've spent all of your energy, money, and focus, convincing her and probably most everyone else you interact with, that you're not worth anything.

People tend to take you at your word.

You're not really telling me anything I don't already know. I know what mistakes I made and I learned my lesson. I'm not sure what you're trying to make me realize. I already know what you're saying and I agree with you. What was done was done, though, and it'll never happen again. Now I'm in this position and I'm trying pretty hard to just get over her but easier said than done.

Another aspect that makes this shit hard is basically all of my friends are her friends. Since we lived together for so long and basically were best friends for two+ years, there is more of a dynamic in this breakup..

[sephir]

You built a relationship based on materialism. You let her be the boss rather than look for compromise, it was bound to happen.


Best advice would be to break it off completely with this girl and try not to repeat the same mistake. Relationships should be 50/50, not 80/20. Its possible to rebuild the relationship with her, but chances are you will just fall back into old routines.

[Ksandra]

I know I'm done with her but I just really want my shit back.

98% of Judge Judy episodes tell me women love to keep shit that's given to them, even if they were using a guy. So I wish you luck on that, but I really really doubt it.

Going to reiterate this, I know you know but I want it chiseled into your skull:

1. don't ever give a gift you may regret/want back later on if you are to break up. ESPECIALLY when you're not in a serious relationship to begin with.

2. don't give the chick everything from the start, because then she knows she doesn't have to give anything back.

3. FwB: terrible idea. moar terrible to do it with someone in a circle of friends. and even moar terrible to do it with someone you knew from the beginning you had feelings for.

[isladar]

What are you asking for then?

I understand it's a messy situation because all situations are messy, no exceptions. What it comes down to is that you've got to think about what you want, and do that, because anyone who cares about you will want you to have what you want, regardless.

[Divinius]

I do respect myself. I told her to go once I found out. I'm not someone she can just walk all over. She offered to pay for things, I just always turned her down. I think guys are there to support and make their girls happy. Thats the role I like to play, and that's who I am. The part that makes me mad is honesty is respect, and she has shown me none. I cut it off right there and chances are decent that we'll never be talking again, and even if we did, I'd never give her another chance to get into my heart.

I showered her in gifts because I loved her. And this is even harder because this is my first girl I'll seriously say I fell in love with. Shit, to be totally honest, this is the girl I actually lost my v-card with. Highschool was highschool. This is beyond that. I told her I wanted a serious relationship, she wanted a casual one. I'd take a cut to casual on the condition she is honest, but she couldn't even give me that.

Dude, reading your OP was like reading synopsis of one of the more embarrassing chapters of my life. I pretty much had the exact same thing happen to me, because I used to be exactly like you. I thought that a "good guy" is the one that takes care of a women, and sacrifices himself (financially, emotionally, whatever) for them, because, as a guy, that's your "job". That's what's expected. And I enjoyed it. It made me happy to make them happy. And I got myself into virtually the same exact situation that you described, with virtually the same exact result.

You know what I learned? That this type of thinking is bullshit.

You're not a douche. You are just naive. As I was. As I probably still am, to some extent, because it's REALLY hard to admit (as much as I know it to be true) that the cold, hard reality is that isladar hit the nail on the head.

It isn't fucking romantic or devoted or "I'll be the best guy ever if I just give her everything she wants / space / whatever the fuck". All that say is that you don't have the fucking balls to demand to be treated decently. There is NO interaction that is one-way like that.

HINT: The kind of person who would accept you draining yourself out, giving everything, always paying...? This isn't anyone worth your fucking time.

Is the girl a total whore for taking advantage of you and lying to you, and not telling you the truth when that was all you ever asked of her? Sure. But playing the role you played is just ASKING to be treated the way you were.

I feel for you, I really do, because I've been there. Consider it one of those painful life lessons, and try to accept that what you might consider "chivalry" has no place in reality, and is better left to fairly tales.

[Gryffes]

You're a giant vag, not a douche.