Moving Out

[Meat]

why in the fuck are you living in your parents house at 30 anyway

Grad school->Phd while working full-time? Most of my academically inclined friends are still at home, between work and school all they really need is a bed.

[Revitozu]

Do you have any siblings that went through the same thing?

[kuronosan]

Nope. My brother is happily married and my other one is homeless (though he told him it's his fault for not living with us when he asked him to, there are other factors that have heavily to do with bad choices on my brother's part and my dad's wife). I moved out before when I was younger but as I said, I made bad choices and had to move back home. Now that I'm older and I have more connections in the world, I am capable of doing it myself.

He just keeps swearing he'll never see me again, never see my kids, blah blah blah don't move away because you're all I have left, etc etc. Conversations between us that have disagreements usually end with him going "Whatever you're wrong whatever" and he just walks off, no matter what it's about. The last time we had a serious talk he was telling me I needed to force my girlfriend to apologize because she wronged them, and when I asked if they were going to apologize for the way they treated her (it's too long a story to tell) he said there was no need to because they didn't wrong her and that if I won't stand up for them then I don't love them and neither does she. I even told him I don't have time for drama because I have a thick class schedule this semester (almost 20 credit hours with papers and presentations in almost every class) and he told me that clearly my education is more important than my family and that my girlfriend must be all I need and that I don't need my family anymore.

Yea.

Heck, even my girlfriend told me at first that I should stay at home and not do anything dumb, but when I showed her that I had calculated all my finances and worked everything out, and that I was going to be miserable if I didn't move out and do something for myself, she started supporting me. It's annoying, because she cares about them and thinks of my father as a father figure but all he can do is equate her dissatisfaction with his wife's behavior with "she hates us and wants to take you away".

[isladar]

Since you're asking specifically about dealing with your father:

Remember it's not a conversation. His input has nothing to do with the situation. There's going to be no arguing with him, because he's not arguing, he's demanding. If his points were based in logic, obviously there could be a negotiation, but you've clearly listed why this isn't possible. So if he won't negotiate, there is no benefit for you giving him the courtesy of playing pretend along with him.

Look at what he wants. All of the points he brings up, regardless of where they come from (emotional neediness, etc.), are spoken to achieve what he wants, which is you hamstrung and needing him. This is counter to what you want. So do not address his points. Engaging him on that level means that you're validating what he's saying. You don't need to argue, because again, this isn't a conversation. You're aware of his feelings, but they have no bearing on the situation.

This does involve a certain degree of cold-heartedness, in the moment. But in the end you're being far more compassionate by being firm. Remember you are not in this to change his mind, no one can do that but him. He's going to feel what he wants to feel, and that is not your fault. Just do not engage him on the points he brings up. It's not his interaction, it's yours. If you really want to throw one over, be fucking cheerful when you tell him, and don't let go of that. He's trying to use your reticence to be 'unkind' to get what he wants. But you know you're not hurting anyone, and in fact, you're doing something great for yourself. Make declarative statements and don't justify them. Remember, you're not convincing him, you're informing him.

[kuronosan]

Thanks Izzy. That actually puts it into good perspective for me.

[Ksandra]

Mostly you have to stick to your guns kuro while keeping a sympathetic tone. I went through a very similar extreme situation. Both my parents are over-clingy to begin with (with justified reasons imo). And I didn't just leave to an apartment, I moved from CT to CA to live with someone I met on the internet.

Just picture what your dad would say to that and you'll get the idea of what it was like. Lots of tears all around, but I knew at the time I needed a change in my life no matter what. It's still not easy but they (and myself) have an understanding now.


It sure wasn't easy to do it though. But ya biggest thing that helped is I didn't attack them or blame them when they wanted to attack me. I knew they were just scared to lose their daughter, so I kept telling myself any reaction they had was ok and understandable. This helped me keep calm and not try and burn any bridges or anything.

[Tsuko_Asura]

Your car insurance is $20/M? What the fuck

[Siniroth]

I was unaware you had to live on your own to have a career. Codependency is the best, imo. Get to the point where you have your own resources and don't NEED any one else, but still take from the resource pool of others, as not to drain your own and at any point, if something goes wrong, you don't need anyone else, because you have the means of self support as a back up plan.

So like, living at parent's, paying "rent", and when rent accumulated = down payment for a house, they give it back for such a purpose? :D

[Sylvrdragon]

People who try to guilt trip me make me wanna do something worthy of the guilt...

Personally, I would tell him to either let go and risk being cut off or keep clinging and GUARANTEE that he'll be cut off.

[Tagus]

I'd trust the girls on this one... daughters always seem to handle their fathers better than sons do. I can't even count the number of times my sister gave me good advice on that stuff.

[AidenCarby]

Agreeing with Isla, sit down and inform him. You're a grown man and you need leave the nest and take on the real world on your own. It's good to be firm, but not a douche bag at the same time, as I'm sure both of you would like to maintain a healthy relationship. I could understand this at 18 or 20 but at 30 this really shouldn't be up for debate :\

[Conrad]

So like, living at parent's, paying "rent", and when rent accumulated = down payment for a house, they give it back for such a purpose? :D

you don't really know much about cream soda, do you

[Tagus]

you don't really know much about cream soda, do you

You know what I like about him, is he looks like he probably could have grown a badass mustache at, like, age 8.

[Celeste]

You have to explain why you're moving out to your father. Not telling him anything is infinitely worse than saying something and having him sob. Be straight with him and he'll be proud of you no matter which way you look at it.

[Cyn]

I was unaware you had to live on your own to have a career. Codependency is the best, imo. Get to the point where you have your own resources and don't NEED any one else, but still take from the resource pool of others, as not to drain your own and at any point, if something goes wrong, you don't need anyone else, because you have the means of self support as a back up plan.

So much fucking bullshit. Reasoning like this is what stops government programs that should be helping people truly in need (like welfare) from working. If you have the resources to be independent, stop fucking mooching.

That's not fucking codependency by the way.

[Cream Soda]

What does mooching off family/friends have to do with govt programs?

[Conrad]

You know what I like about him, is he looks like he probably could have grown a badass mustache at, like, age 8.

well, razors cost money after all

[Yugl]

Tell him Yugl is making fun of you because you're staying with him. Specifically, tell him that remarks on your homosexuality are making you have suicidal tendencies and that you need to distance yourself from all men until this issue is settled.

[SephYuyX]

ITT people who got kicked out at 18 and have lived a shit life since.

Living with parents isnt a negative aside from the social stigma. As long as you really arent a mooch, theres nothing wrong with it. If youre paying for your own bills, chip in on food, house payments, utilties, etc, it's still cheaper than an apt. Im 26 and still with mine, mainly because ive been in school, and that we live on a farm and an extra hand around the house is very helpful. Though yes, really anyone older than 30 living with their parents is pretty odd unless you need to take care of them or something. I plan on buying a house this spring/summer, and since I luckily have a loving family who actually wants me to stay with them rather than move out, im able to have a job along with school, have a car, my own furniture, etc, with 0 dept to anyone. Instead of moving out at young age and just wasting money on an apt, im able to move straight in to a house.

The only negative as mentioned is the social stigma, and if someone isnt going to give you the time of day because of it,
http://i228.photobucket.com/albums/e...ew/haters2.jpg


Err but yeah, it's wierd your dad seemingly wont like the idea, I assume something with his dad in the past. As said, just sit down with him and talk like men.

[Souj]

Tell him that the girlfriend is really a cover and that you're really flamboyantly gay, and that if you stay here you'll start having your gay orgies at home.

orgies... is that correct?