I was in without a doubt

[#686578]

This story ends in a threesome right?

[Ryko]

I wish but no I didn't defend the belt.

[Mizango]

http://slashangry.net/callisto/rykofacepalm.jpg

Thanks, got my new phone pic for Ryko.

[Ryko]

I'd like this report on my desk by Tuesday.

Doable. I will say that the most odd moments was the bouncer heckling me and people looking at me weird for kissing them both in like a minute span.

[Ryko]

So, It's tuesday. I owe you a story.

[Conrad]

So, It's tuesday. I owe you a story.

OF COURSE

[Ryko]

So do I start with the first girl or just cut straight to last friday?

[Ryko]

Pick

[Conrad]

I'm pretty sure I know the story already so just start at the beginning.

[Ryko]

Oh yeah you know the full story except the end of that night.

[Sera]

So do I start with the first girl or just cut straight to last friday?

they don't want a deposit, they don't want a down payment, they want the WHOLE THING

[Ragnell]

Oh yeah you know the full story except the end of that night.

Full details motherfucker

[Ryko]

Part one:

So I was coming off of the worst work week I had. Things had gone to shit on the one weekend I was supposed to be having fun and I spent the next 4 days trying to fix it so as to avoid being fired, ridiculed, demoted, blah blah (I ended up getting demoted later but whatever). I was preoccupied with beating myself up when I was told that there was an "end of operation" gathering at a local bar (a bar I now frequent) and I decided I was gonna go there and fake being okay long enough to let the alcohol make it true. While I was there my co-worker (a retired cop that is now a private investigator, census worker, and pimp [that is not me using it as slang...]) was trying to get me to hit it off with this girl I worked with that I had gone to school with when I was like 12...

She was coming off of a breakup of a few years and I really didn't know what to do aside from play pool with her and just buy some beers and listen/talk. Things just didn't click. No worries, it was mostly a passing idea and some people were really pushing for it, whatevs. At some point people were starting to leave and a friend from high school met me at the bar when I ran into some other people that worked with me but I hadn't seen them in like 6 weeks since I had been transferred. They caught me up on how things had been working out for them and I met one of the people that replaced me after I transferred. I tried to find a relevant SP character to her in this whole story but she doesn't have one so for NOW she's just gonna be Envy Adams. Envy is a 30 something year old lawyer who picked up census work on the side because being a corporate lawyer made her soul die and she wanted to do something for the summer after taking a year off traveling the country. I'm sitting with my friend and the aforementioned coworkers at a booth and we're just drunk shooting the shit. Sooner or later people dwindle off and it's me, envy, and this other guy. Said guy goes to the bathroom and I take said opportunity to...

http://i54.tinypic.com/17z9k1.png

Legend:
Tapered Rectangles - Booth seats
Oval - Table
Circles - People (Top is her, bottom is me)
Arrow - Path of walking

Thing is I walked before I thought of anything to say so I just went with a smile and "hi". And she breaks out laughing at the most poorly executed attempt at getting a girl's attention ever.

http://i55.tinypic.com/k3t8q1.png
(yes I know that's not envy but it's a relevant picture)

Anywaywe continue talking and when the third guy comes back he notes that I stole his seat. I apologized but I wasn't really sorry, I apologized for being rude more than anything I guess. He says his wife is texting him to go home so he heads out and it's just us two. I was talking about whatever came up (baseball of all things, I swear if texas wins I will be ticked. My interest in sports has entirely been for the sake of hitting it off with women.) and at some point I didn't make a move, I just SAID I wanted to. Her response was "If any of the guys thought you were a creep I wouldnt still be here". I somehow took that as a go ahead and I went home with her after 2 more bars and a cab ride. Nothing actually happened aside from some making out but I told her I wasn't really going anywhere, her bedroom or my place unless she gave me her number, I don't really know how that worked out but so be it. We've been dating since.

[Ryko]

Part two: Fucking Casuals....

So here I am dating the first local girl in... ever. I am intimidated to say the least. I mean I've tripped into one night stands and some otherwise regretful decisions (UNDERSTATEMENT) but all in all I hadn't done anything remotely close to dating a girl within 2 states of me in my life, period. The night I met her I was in a suit with a button up. No comic stuff at all, which I did my best to hide for the next 3 weeks or so until she caught me in the office with my batman shirt and hat. We worked in the same office for months but had never run into eachother before.

So now i'm the comic book guy. As if I wasn't nervous enough already. To make matters worse, any time things took a turn for the sexy, my body would...

http://i55.tinypic.com/2zirc0h.png

It doesn't matter if I was hard enough to drill a hole that would have put the dai gurren brigade to shame for the whole night. The second shit got serious, my body was just not having it. I mean we looked at all the possibilities, I asked some friends for their input on my lack of input, but the bottom line was that it was mental and with my propensity for overthinking meant that I wasn't going to be able to think my way out of a self-imposed mental block and the only thing that would make me think less would also inhibit my capability to perform sexually. Fun little predicament.

As this is going, my nerves are being shot because every time I managed to get a little leeway with this girl, she wanted to reiterate that what we had was casual. I have some really creepy tendencies when forced to think about it. I remember very little details mentioned once in passing about people I have no business remembering shit about and I tend to look in one direction for too long, especially with girls. I wear sunglasses when I can on the train just because I don't want to freak someone out by looking at them for too long. I don't like being icky, and I don't like being creepy. Anyway so I'm not one for relationships in general and I'm just doing my casual thing but I'm freaking out just trying ot not to get her to freak out and I run into girl number 2. She's the Knives of the story... I had a huge crush on her a decade ago but I never bothered because at the time I was in church, programmed into thinking even looking at a girl would send me to hell (and if you ask krye this he'll probably still agree with the idea that niggers who look at white girls should go to hell) and her parents made strict look like a casual friday. Fuck that noise, I wasn't bothering back then.

I'm walking down the train platform minding my own business when I catch her out the side of my eye and literally stop, walk backward the 3 steps I had walked past her and turned to say hi. We catch the train, I get her number and that was it for that day. Later that week, girl 1 was being coy about me making plans with her (I really really really hate back and forths about plans. I'm pretty much a 'sure' or 'sorry, woodbutt' sort of guy) so I said screw it and decided I was going to walk the opposite way to grab some mozzarella sticks and a smoothie. Girl #2 texts me about that time and I ask what she's up to and she happens to live around the corner of where I was going to eat so I ask if she wants to join me. She does and over the course of that day and the following 4 or 5 I just take her to the movies and some other shit to just talk about things. I guess I was riding some crush that no longer was valid but I managed to develop some feelings for this girl for sure. Since shit had been rocky at best with the other girl I just told girl #2 I was seeing someone and that it was a casual relationship so to take it for however she wants to.

Later on I go back to girl #1 and we talk about being casual again for like the 18th time in maybe 5 times we've actually been out together and I'm a little more than frustrated with the concept so I just asked her what that meant just to be on the same page. Can date others, sex with others has to at least be mentioned for the purposes of pragmatism and safety. That's fair, I wasn't really gonna hit it off with anyone else anyway and girl #2 is a super religious type so that wasn't even on the table. Later that week we're together at yet another census bar party and I see her hitting it off with some dude and I just do my best to not be weird for the night. What I didn't know is that in my attempt to not be weird, I had been hitting it off with this girl at the bar I hadn't really speaking with more than once every 90 minutes. This girl, by everyone's standards, is a looker too. I was drunk at this point so I had beer goggled her down somehow to attainable level but at one point I cracked a joke at her expense and she pulled me in by my tie to tell me that she could go home with someone else instead. I took this as an opportunity to say 'wait you were going home with me?' my inability to figure this out got mixed up with my being aloof and she took a liking to me, the next morning I left her place and had something to explain to girl #1. It got explained and that was it. NBD. My inability to keep shit to myself worked wonders here. If I couldnt be smooth, or smart, I could at least be honest.

[Ryko]

Part three: Wilderness Sabbatical

As things are progressing with girls #1 and 2, and I'm being casual with #3, things decided to take a turn for the annoying in general. Girl #1 is still very standoffish and my nerves aren't coming down at all and girl #2 has some hangups like crazy regarding the way I interact with my mom (see: not well), my views on religion (I think god is a dick), and my supposed lack of drive (considering I had been working for about 5 months at that point and saving money to go back to college, I assured her she had no perspective to really make that claim) were ALL huge dealbreakers and in my mind even if I did want to change these things, they'd be for me, not for her anyway. I take a week out of town to just get my head straight.

http://i56.tinypic.com/2gtatfm.png

So I'm hitting it off with 2 women but I'm not good enough for either of them, this is fun. I accept that I am who I am and that if I'm not good for them then whatever, shit's fun while it lasts, right? In the meanwhile a friend of mine is calling complaining about a guy who is acting the same way, worried that things are getting too serious blah blah blah it's neurotic bullshit. This is the same problem I have with women who get hung up on when you ask them out and they say "is it a date?". Does it fucking matter? Are you going to eat the same food? Are you going to go to the same entertainment? Are you legally obligated to blow me if I say yes it is a date? It's a night out, you enjoy yourself, you may be compelled to go out with that same person again. Yes the guy is interested in you, if you're remotely receptive to it stop being a crazy bitch and go eat a fucking sammich, god.

Moving on. I tell her that the guy is being a child and that she needs to tell him to get over himself, the same as I needed to get over myself and the other girls needed to get over themselves. That was mostly the big theme of the week. We joke about how when I see her again I was gonna have my way with her but that's just how I roll. Later that week when I'm back in new york, she's at my place and I make good on that joke. This isn't the first time I had tried to but it goes back to the fact that my penis is a lazy nigger. Things somehow worked out and suddenly this is no longer an issue... with anyone.

http://i52.tinypic.com/2ntjnnt.png

I get back and iron out things with girls #1 and 2. Girl #1 is kind of not sure how to deal with me doing it with someone I have actual feelings for and I tell girl 2 that it's understandable that I didn't meet whatever criteria she had set. I then made out with her but I guess I'm terrible at sticking to my guns. Girl #3 straight gives no fucks anyway, asked if I was still safe and that was it. That week I may have felt a bit sleazy but it's hard to explain a situation to someone and them going "wait you had how much sex? Shut your face." Meat had no sympathy for me at the very least...

http://i51.tinypic.com/wbdkw5.png

[Ryko]

Intermission

Girl #1 - Lawyer (Envy)

Girl #2 - Old Crush (Knives)

Girl #3 - Bar Fling (Don't have a name)

Girl #4 - Girl I hit it off with at home (I'd call her ramona but that's my mom's name and that'd be really freaky to name drop as this story goes along but she takes her place in the story)

http://i54.tinypic.com/vq1aw6.png

[Ryko]

Intermission 2 - I should point out that all this is happening because I have a very large penis. You should know this. This is useful to the story.

[Kiarax]

Yo quit with the hipster references, YOU LOST ME.

[Ryko]

The only real refrence I made was to Gurenn Lagann, the rest are just quotes that are meant to be read at face value and the names are just made up to not use real names.

[Kiarax]

Quit it anyway. The Gurren Lagann reference is a-okay though.