2014-15 NFL Week 16: BEARer's Remorse

[Bregor]

¯\_(ツ)_/¯

this whole game

all my life i have cheered against the redskins only to find out that the Bears are the Redskins

Last week:

M/L: 12-4
ATS: 8-7-1

Overall:

M/L: 146-77-1
ATS: 110-110-4


THURSDAY, DECEMBER 18TH

8:25pm EST, NFL Network

Tennessee at Jacksonville (-3.5) - Sometimes games scheduled for national television look good on paper at the beginning of the season (see: last Monday night) and then the situation changes and you end up with a stinkburger. But I don't think anyone at the league office thought this game would be a ratings bonanza four months ago, and nothing has changed. And since it's on NFL Network, Jim Nantz can't even fall back on his crutch of promoting all twelve iterations of CSI. The only noteworthy thing here is the Jags are a favorite, and by more than the token 3-point home field gimme. Good for you, Gus Bradley! Jags win and cover.


SATURDAY, DECEMBER 20TH

4:30pm EST, NFL Network

Philadelphia at Washington (+7.5) - As a carbon-based life form with eyes, ears, and the ability to remember 2012, I predicted a decline in the performance Mark Sanchez. And sure enough, he failed to throw a touchdown and was picked off twice in Sunday night's loss to Dallas. Philly's defense didn't do him any favors, putting them in a 21-0 hole and letting Dezter to Molezter have his way with the secondary. A game behind Seattle and Green Bay for a wild card spot, Chip Kelly at least has two winnable games against the 'Skins and Giants. And hey, if he doesn't make the playoffs, at least this is a good opportunity to scout Bobert Triple the Third for running his offense next season. Washington has dropped six straight and the local media's latest round of articles saying, "No, seriously, THIS is the worst it's been in fifteen years" is always entertaining. Read Bill Simmons's Grantland piece to get a sense of what I'm talking about. With all that's wrong in DC, I think that Griffin is currently in the fight for his career, and he'll leave it all on the field on Saturday. In this case, "all" refers to all of his knee ligaments. Eagles win and cover.

8:25pm EST, CBS

San Diego at San Francisco (-1.5) - Poor Felipe. Back in October he was having an MVP-type season. But a 3-5 record in their last eight games, a sub-par offensive line, and injuries to Mathews and Allen has made P-Rivs the last man at the dive bar. A game out of the wild card and with two tough road games left, it looks like a lost season in San Diego. And speaking of lost seasons, the '9ers are in real danger of Jim Harbaugh's first losing record in San Fran. Despite injuries and suspensions, their defense has been as good as ever, at least in yards allowed. But Harbaugh's inability to develop Kaepernick into a consistent passer is the reason why one or both of them may be out of town. But wait, didn't the Krapper just sign a seven-year deal? Well, very little of it is actually guaranteed (link) so who knows. San Fran's lack of another solid QB on the roster, and not Kaepernick's deal, maybe be the reason he stays and Harbaugh goes. But hey, I bet Cutty or RG3 could be had for a song! Chargers in the upset.


SUNDAY, DECEMBER 21ST

1:00pm EST, CBS

Cleveland at Carolina (-3.5) - Well, that was fun while it lasted. The Browns flirted with relevancy and a playoff spot for a while, but dropping three straight games has landed them firmly in the basement of the AFC North. Johnny Manziel's pro debut was about as terrible as any game I've ever seen, but that's to be expected. He's always been a project as an NFL quarterback, and with the time missed by Gordon and Cameron, there's very little in the way of chemistry for the offense. After a full off-season of training camp and practices, and maybe a defense that can stop the run, Cleland should hopefully be able to hang with their division rivals. Meanwhile, former Browns Pro Bowl quarterback Derek Anderson leaned heavily on Olsen and Benjamin for a tough win against Tampa last week. Cam practiced today, but I seriously doubt he plays. I know the Cats still have a shot at the playoffs, but what then? Get blown out by Green Bay? Their franchise quarterback was just in a car wreck, and they should protect him. Besides, Derek the Destroyer should do just fine. Panthers win and cover.

Baltimore at Houston (+5.5) - Good teams can have bad days, and on Sunday the Ravens had a bad day. Forsett and Joey Flaxxx put the team behind the chains a bunch and they went just 4-for-12 on 3rd down on the afternoon. Luckily they were playing the Jags, and Mosley, Suggs, and the defense picked them up. They currently have a +109 point differential, good for 2nd in the AFC behind New England, and they have the easiest schedule remaining in the division. There's not much buzz around this team right now, but making another deep playoff run wouldn't surprise me in the least. Houston lost Mallett and FitzMAGIC! to injuries, brought back CASED GOD, and now has to decide between Keenum and Rams/Browns/Lions/Bills great Thaddeus Lewis under center. That sound you just heard was another screen pass falling at Arian Foster's feet. Ravens win and cover.

Kansas City at Pittsburgh (-3) - This could essentially be a wild card play-in game, with KC down a game and the first tiebreaker being head-to-head record. KC avenged their loss to Oakland by handling them with ease at home on Sunday. Alex Smith once again dinked and dunked his way to a nice game, and Dwayne Bowe and Albert Wilson came dangerously close to scoring the team's first touchdown by a wide receiver since I think the Reagan administration. Pittsburgh's last two losses against the Jets and Saints are puzzling, but otherwise they've been a balanced and well-rounded team. Big Ben just put up 360 yards on Atlanta, and Le'Veon Bell added two more touchdowns to his total. If their defense can hold up and avoid what happened against Brees (5 passing TDs allowed) then they're right there with Baltimore and Indy in the AFC's second tier. As for this game, no way Alex Smith goes nuts, and KC's 28th in rushing yards allowed. Steelers win and cover.

New England at NY Jets (+10) - Bill Belichick is a machine. Miami is a pretty good team and he just wasted them 41-13. Consider their 27 unanswered points after halftime. That's why I'll always favor a coach who makes in-game adjustments. In my opinion, offensive gurus like Chip Kelly don't have a safety valve when their heavily scripted game plans don't work out. Other coaches are so congruous with their franchise player that it's tough to separate the two, like McCarthy and AR12. Sure, Belichick has had Brady, but I feel like he doesn't win because of Brady. I guess we'll find out when Touchdown Tom hangs 'em up. Anyway, the Jets can't even tank for Mariota (or "Suck for the Duck," thanks NY Post) correctly as they beat the Titans last week. Watching RedZone and seeing the score 5-3 at halftime, and then 11-10 for pretty much the whole 4th quarter, I was reminded that I miss baseball a lot. So thanks for that. Patriots win and cover.

1:00pm EST, FOX

Minnesota at Miami (-6.5) - Minnesota is playing TOUGH FOOTBALL© recently. Only 4-4 in their last eight games, but those four losses are @BUF by 1, @CHI by 8, v.GB by 3, and @DET by 2. That's rough. They're also 0-5 in the division and 6-3 against everyone else. Pretty good! If Zimmer and Teddy Throwsevelt could make some modest gains on Detroit and Green Bay, and if Chicago goes full-Dan Snyder and gets rid of Cutler, the Vikes could be a sneaky playoff pick next season. Miami, like Cleland, was in the hunt but looked like they gave up the ghost on Sunday. Joe Philbin probably needs one more year of growth from Tannehill and some better run blocking to make his assault on the AFC East. Just. Wait. Dolphins win, Vikings with the points.

Detroit at Chicago (+9) - Since I started writing this, the line has jumped from DET-7 to DET-9. HMM I WONDER WHY, EH TRASHMAN?!?! THIS FIN COACH!!! Detroit's D-line against Clausen and the Bears O-line should be... interesting. Lions win and cover.

Atlanta at New Orleans (-6) - People love to hate the NFC South this year. The Saints could win it at 8-8, or the Panthers at 7-8-1, or the Falcons at 7-9. Last year the Packers won the NFC North at 8-7-1, while the 10-6 Cardinals stayed home. And in 2010 the 7-9 Seahawks went to the dance while the 10-win Giants and Bucs were left out. But now it's all "ZOMG CHANGE TEH RULEZ!!!!111" because, well, I'm not sure. The NFL had to know this was a possibility when it went to four divisions per conference. Anyway, Mike Smith is being a douche about the Great Cornjulio's injury but if he plays I'm taking the Falcons in the upset.

Green Bay at Tampa Bay (+10.5) - Well, that was unpleasant. The Pack had the least-AR12-esque day I can remember when the Bills shut them down in Buffalo. I still think they're the class of the NFC, but that first-round bye is in serious jeopardy. Prepare your anus, Bucs, as the fully armed and operational AR12 will unleash his revenge upon you. The Bucs need to drop their last two games and get Mariota, because the McCown/Glennon experience has been putrid. Packers win and cover.

4:05pm EST, FOX

NY Giants at St. Louis (-5) - In the midst of the Jay Cutler craziness, I saw a tweet that more teams out of playoff contention should experiment with their back-ups. What do the Giants have to gain from trotting Eli Manning out there two more times? Might as well see what Syracuse great Ryan Nassib can do. But Tom Coughlin is fighting for a job, so they'll play this game like any other. And since the result justifies the strategy, unless Eli tears both his knees and is done for 2015, no one will ask why. Except me and that Twitter guy, I guess. Will all the quarterback shuffling going on, I feel like the Rams are a good quarterback from being a playoff team. They have the defense for it, and their receivers are interesting. Kenny Britt has been the guy before, and they have a bunch of smaller guys who just need a better passer to deliver them the ball in space. Because let's be honest, Shaun Hill is Alex Smith Lite, and if they liked Austin Davis at all they'd be playing him. Do they give Slingin' Sammy Bradford another shot? I wouldn't think so, but Jeff Fisher is a man who does what he wants, critics be damned. Robert Quinn and Chris Long couldn't do much against Arizona, but I think they feast on Eli. Of course, the Rams also have to score to win, so who knows. Uh... Rams win, Giants with the points.

4:25pm EST, CBS

Buffalo at Oakland (+6) - Let's just pause for a moment and bask in the Bills pass defense. Peyton two weeks ago: 14/20, 173 yards, 0 TDs, 2 INTs, 56.9 passer rating. AR12 last week: 17/42, 185 yards, 0 TDs, 2 INTs, 34.3 passer rating. Jesus tittyfucking Christ, that's awesome. On Sunday they had 10 passes defensed. Oh yeah and they get Kiko Alonso back in 2015. I'm drafting Buffalo D in all my fantasy leagues next year, because they're good and I also think Jim Schwartz succeeding is hilarious and awesome. They still have an outside shot at a wild card, but they'd need this game, a win in Foxboro next week, and some good luck. But between the Bills success this season and the Sabres actually winning a few hackey games, things are looking up in Buffalo. Oakland lost bad, and Sio Moore is hurt. Welp. Bills win and cover.

Indianapolis at Dallas (-3) - GAME OF THE YEAR OF THE WEEK OF THE DECADE. Andrew Luck has 41 TDs (38 pass, 3 rush) but is also turning the ball over quite a bit, keeping his Total QBR right at the 65 range. It hasn't mattered since the Colts have had a pretty cupcake schedule after their loss to the Pats, and have now clinched the AFC South. They can still chase down Denver or New England for a bye, so they won't be resting anyone. Dallas, fresh off its Sunday night pummeling of the Eagles, will likely be without DeMarco Murray, who I said should continue his work load and then he got hurt because of course he did. In all fairness a broken hand isn't your typical running back injury. Lance Dunbar and Joseph Randle will be the beasts of burden, but really this is Dezter the Molezter's offense now. Facing off with Vontae Davis should be interesting, but I still like him for 100+ and a score. For a game in December, it might be the other quarterback and not Romo making costly turnovers. Bizarro NFL! Cowboys win and cover.

8:30pm EST, NBC

Seattle at Arizona (+8) - Well, Cardinals, now's your chance. You won two straight games starting Drew Stanton. Now it's time to win starting Ryan Lindley. Against Seattle. Good luck with that! I think we're seeing peak Seahawks, especially on defense. Stopping the San Fran offense hasn't been hard this season, but it's still a tough division game and they still balled out. The O/U is a measly 36.5 but I still might take the under. Seahawks win and cover.


MONDAY, DECEMBER 22ND

8:30pm EST, ESPN

Denver at Cincinnati (+3) - Cincy in prime time?



Broncos win and cover.

[tyven]

THIS HURTS MY SOUL GOD DAMMIT

[Krandor]

How is the Denver/Cincy spread so small? Has no one in Vegas ever seen Dalton in prime time?

[Adajer]

Cutler is who they he were.

[tyven]

Cutler is who they he were.

jay godler

[Bregor]

Cutler is who they he were.

Well said.

[Moss]

Cutler is who they he were.

what is the BG concussion protocol?

[AidenCarby]

LOL

[Bregor]

THIS HURTS MY SOUL GOD DAMMIT

http://giant.gfycat.com/SlowHospitableEsok.gif

[archibaldcrane]

what is the BG concussion protocol?

This is the best thing you've ever done

[Headspace]

How is the Denver/Cincy spread so small? Has no one in Vegas ever seen Dalton in prime time?

COLD
WEATHER
PEYTON

[Mertron]

Cutler is who they he were.

what is the BG concussion protocol?

lol

also if the eagles are gonna grab a castoff qb id rather it be kaep and that hurt my soul so much to type oh god why

[Dimmauk]

what is the BG concussion protocol?

LMAO.

Somebody take his keyboard away before he hurts himself.

[Krandor]

I think we should just call it good and end the thread.

[Cail]

oh god lol moss

[Mertron]

university of Michigan reportedly offers harbaugh 6 years 48 million

[wipers]

For that type of money I'd live in Michigan.

[Mertron]

you could probably buy most of Detroit with that money

[Xajii]

what is the BG concussion protocol?

we have to send him back out there coach, there arent enough shit posters to put on the field. Demos is out 6-8 years with a wife, and Rhino sustained a heart injury midway through the season when the Bears took a dump on it

[Headspace]

. Demos is out with a wife

It's still questionable who fills what role in this relationship