Sorry if this is in the wrong spot..

[Zantalo]

Sorry if this is in the wrong spot, but I didn't really know where else to put this.

I wrote something up FFXI related, a bit of fanfiction I guess you could call this.

I'm just looking to see if it flows very well(if at all), I write stuff as a hobby, but would like to improve.

Thanks.. be gentle. :/

http://kensada.blogspot.com/

[The Stig]

It's quite good, maybe it'll do more justice in 3rd person, but whatever floats your style. 3rd person isn't 100% my thing.

I know someone who's working on something similar too (a fanfiction), although it's only loosely based on FFXI, but its properties are heavily involved in some way or another. Kinda like an "alternative FFXI" fiction. From my point of view, given the extremely powerful properties of the model viewer, any FFXI fiction could use some basic illustrations so we get some "feel" for the characters, as my friend has done (there weren't pictures for everyone scene, but where appropiate). It's nothing fancy, but helps with the story to flow, in my opinion.

Not all fiction needs to be pictureless! 8)

[Shuemue]

Okay, I quite liked it, but I felt there was a little 'I' overuse... it's hard to explain, but read the last paragraph where the THF shows up, stuff like this;

“Ken! We have to go! Zoey's in trouble!” I resisted the pulling quite easily, as I was much stronger than him.

“Speak sense, what do you mean?” I sternly asked him as I stopped the tugging.

Personally I would edit it to something more like;

“Ken! We have to go! Zoey's in trouble!” Sevyr exclaimed, while fruitlessly tugging on my arm.

“Speak sense, what do you mean?” I sternly asked him as I shrugged him off.

Just a few things like that would break it up from a list of "I did, I thought, I said."

[The Stig]

Ooops. I forgot to point that out too. Yes, too many "I" in it, you need to express it in more than one ways. The current way is too narrow.