lobster lo mein is a lie

[Ivve]

today was pay day, so chinese was ordered. before i continue, why is it that only chinese and pizza places deliver pretty much anywhere you go? i mean sure, in bigger cities you can probably get some more interesting shit like thai delivered, but is delivery really not lucrative enough to encourage a broader variety of restaurants to do it? i would order in so much more food and patron so many more establishments if only it would come to me in my home. i'm american and i pretty much just want it shoveled into my face if i can get that. if not, i'll settle for having to walk all the way across my house, opening the door, and having it put into my hands. but i won't like it. as much.

anyway, so i'm sick as fuck of chinese delivery. i had to live on this shit for like 4 years because my mom stopped cooking one day in my early teens, so i could easily never have chinese delivery again and be satisfied with life. i decided to order something random off the menu, but with prereqs.
1. i wanted seafood. pork, chicken, and beef are pretty much indistinguishable in taste when handled by the local chinesery.
2. i wanted something without veggies in the title. something "with veggies" on a chinese delivery menu in virginia means "a few slivers of shitty meat lost in a bowl of al dente broccoli drowning in oil and oyster sauce."
3. i wanted something that wasn't fried. their fry-ups taste fucking disgusting. you know how it is when some place fries everything in the same oil and doesn't change it all day. shit ends up tasting sour and weird.

what fills those 3 conditions? LOBSTER LO MEIN. so i order this lobster lo mein, and i'm actually kind of psyched about it. if i roll the noodles around in a paper towel for a while to absorb a portion of the grease, this might actually not be so fucking dowsed in oil that i shit myself uncontrollably later. it arrives, and what's in the box? CRAYFISH LO MEIN, MOTHERFUCKERS. like i seriously don't know the difference between a goddamned lobster and a crayfish. are you fucking shitting me? i paid $2 more than any other lo mein so they could slip me some fucking back-alley lobster substitute? if i had known at the door that this was what i was getting, i would have opened the box and dumped it on the delivery guy. just kidding; i wouldn't have ordered a damn thing and just made toast for dinner.

i guess i should be thankful that it wasn't some goddamned counterfeit meat made of week-old newspaper and cornstarch, but i'd almost rather have eaten that. it probably would have cost less and i could have at least sued over it. i guess as an american i should already be trying to sue over false advertisement, but i'm one of the lazy ones that can't be assed to actually fill out and file court papers.

tl;dr: don't order lobster lo mein. it's not really lobster.

[Colenzo]

in china lobster come from river :/

[Conrad]

craw daddies

[Colenzo]

I went to this really expensive resturant where they serve seafood and they didnt even cook the crayfish correctly, they just straight up fucking fished the shit out of the river and boiled it and didnt even bother seasoning it. Tasted like fucking gritty cold fish turds.

[Ivve]

god i'm so pissed about it.

[Colenzo]

Well I guess that will teach you to have standards when eating chinese food.

[Blarg]

Crayfish gotta feed their family too you know.

[Kuya]

Look, i already made a thread about procrastination, and now you go and make long posts? wtf ivve

[Headspace]

I only read what was in all caps.

[Shiroikage]

Maybe lobster is way cheaper there, but how could you actually expect to get lobster for what I'd imagine you were paying?

[Kipling]

I feel you, chinese is ok in small doses, but if I eat it more than once every 3 or so months it all tastes the same..

[Ivve]

Maybe lobster is way cheaper there, but how could you actually expect to get lobster for what I'd imagine you were paying?

i paid $12 for this dish, and the rest of the lo mein dishes are like 7. it seemed reasonable, as i'm sure they don't use more than a handful of meat in this entire giant portion size. ugh.

[Not Kuno]

It's probably cat shaped like crawfish.

[Ivve]

i trashed the rest of the lo mein. why is chinese food so fucking greasy? don't these people have one of the thinnest populations on earth? they must stay thin by shitting their fucking guts out from all the grease.

[Sera]

i'm allergic to lobster, good thing it tastes like shit so i don't care

[Shiroikage]

Most of the stuff you get from Chinese delivery and stuff is American-Chinese food. Several places actually have separate Chinese menus. That's where you find the good food.

[TheShadyMan]

Real Chinese food is boiled fish heads.
Fuck.
That.

[Ivve]

lobster is the ambrosia of seafood; maybe if you weren't such a bitch your body wouldn't reject awesome in its food form. just kidding, but not really. (not a personal attack.) we'll always have chocolate, baby!

and i want to find one of these places with authentic chinese food. i hate the americanized variety. shit gives me heartburn and the runs like i'm a 45-year-old man. i'm 23 and in reasonable health; there is no legitimate reason that this food should make me so sick with the exception of it just being complete fucking garbage.

[Akanei]

1. Just about everything here can be delivered.
2. You should just come here.

[Ivve]

that's nice and all, but don't you have mormons and native americans in the vicinity?