2026 NFL Week 1 Thread: Possibly Showing Anus

[Mertron]

awwww shit here we go again


GENTLEMEN….BEHOLD!


I HAVE MADE LOVE TO THIS MACHI…er, REPORTER!


AND, IN RETROSPECT, I ASK…why?


well gee coach, if you were sleeping with an “nfl insider” im assuming you used that information to get a heads up on drafting the best possible OL prospects that don’t have tiny arms to make sure your young stud qb would not get the shit kicked out of him in the super bowl? perhaps also have better in-depth scouting reports regarding other teams gameplans to prepare for opponents instead of relying on playing a dogshit easy schedule?


NO! I DID IT TO LEAK BULLSHIT REPORTS THROUGH THE MEDIA TO HELP SWAY A FORMER PLAYER TO COME BACK AND PLAY FOR ME, ALL WHILE DODGING ANY INVESTIGATIONS INTO WHAT SHOULD BE A VERY CLEAR TAMPERING SITUATION WHICH NO ONE WANTS TO ACKNOWLEDGE BECAUSE OF HOW MESSY THE WHOLE THING IS!


MY BABY BOY!

no im not bitter

anywho, football. you guys remember football, right?

NFC East: Eagles
NFC North: Lions
NFC South: Bucs
NFC West: Rams (1)
Wildcards: Seahawks, Cowboys, Packers

regression candidates: the bears were lucky as shit last year. the 49ers would be better off playing on an indian burial ground. nobody cares about the nfc south.

likely to improve: the Vikings should be better if kyler murray is even average at qb, but they still might only be the 3rd or 4th best team in that division. unless,

team i might be wrong about: the packers. fuck the packers.

AFC East: Bills (1)
AFC North: Ravens
AFC South: Texans
AFC West: Chiefs
Wildcards: Patriots, Chargers, Bengals

regression candidates: you will never convince me bo nix does not suck. the pats will not be as good but they play in a shit division and will make the playoffs because of the free 4-0 against the jets/fins. the steelers are toast. how the hell were the jags 13-4 last year?

likely to improve: the titans will probably be better, though I wouldn’t know, because I don’t plan on watching one second of their games this year.

team i might be wrong about: if mahomes is not mahomes anymore the chiefs are super dead. their leading receiver has a bigger beer gut than i do

NFC Championship: Eagles over Rams
AFC Championship: Bills over Bengals

Super Bowl: Eagles over Bills

yeah that’s right. i picked the eagles. to win things. im sorry your team isn’t good enough to win things. go root for your team to have the #1 pick once October starts for the fifth year in a row

MVP: Joe Burrow
Offensive Player: Jahmyr Gibbs
Defensive Player: Will Anderson
Offensive Rookie: De’Zhaun Stribling
Defensive Rookie: Sonny Styles
Comeback Player: Patrick Mahomes
Coach of the Year: Jesse Minter
First Coach Fired: Dan Quinn
#1 Pick: Dolphins

I’ll have the fantasy stuff up in a bit

[Mertron]

comeback player of the year favorites are silly. Mahomes is probably a lock to win if he stays healthy. what is Kyler coming back from, being terrible? what is aaron donald coming back from, golf?

[Mertron]

FANTASY STUFF (ESPN)

SURVIVOR (2 entries allowed)
group: BG Deadpool
pass: nationalliontalk

PICKEM (pick only 5 games per week, pick your favorite 5 spreads):
group: BG Pick5
pass: dumbfootballfan

[Mertron]

regarding my dan quinn pick, here is the commanders schedule to start the year:

eagles
cowboys
seahawks
colts
giants
49ers
eagles
rams

all accounts are the commanders have no offensive line. if Daniels dies due to coaching malpractice he’s gone.

gl!

[Rhyis.]

NFC East: Boys
NFC North: Lions
NFC South: Bucs
NFC West: Rams (1)
Wildcards: Hawks, Pack, Vikes

AFC East: Bills
AFC North: Ravens (1)
AFC South: Jags
AFC West: Broncos
Wildcards: Chefs, Bengals, Chargers

NFC Championship: Rams over Hawks
AFC Championship: Bills over Ravens

Super Bowl: Rams over Bills

MVP: Frat Hatford
Offensive Player: Gibbs
Defensive Player: Myles Garrett
Offensive Rookie: Denzel Boston
Defensive Rookie: Rueben Bain Jr
Comeback Player: Mahomes
Coach of the Year: Jesse Minter
First Coach Fired: Aaron Glenn
#1 Pick: Fins