The Tale of Tales

**Brill Weave** · 2013-01-02 08:26

Gather round my friends. It has been quite some time since I have regaled you with a tale. Today, this changes. But Uncle Weave what could this story be about you ask? Could it be the great culling of the Guild Wars 2 forum? Nay nothing so petty. Another Cowboys collapse? Though satisfying, the answer is still no. We recently held a gathering at our home, did Gentle Ben befoul my laptop again? Nay!

You see my friends I shall need to start at the beginning of this weekend. Much like you, my beloved wife and I decided to invite several of our boon companions over to celebrate the coming of the new year.

It would be a small gathering. You see we had been invited to another event but we had feigned sickness in order to avoid it. We invited our very closest friends and began our preparations.

Gentle Ben, his whorish wife Anne, and their "delightful" daughter Magnolia were invited. Naturally my thoughts turned dark as I recalled previous transgressions. I resolved to make sure the house would be Ben proofed.

But what did that consist of you ask? Two very important tasks my friends. Hiding all laptops and not making any buffalo chicken dip. My delicate work completed I "rang" in the New Year a little early with the wife.

I shall spare you the sordid details, and they were sordid. But a gentleman never tells. Fast forward several days and the eve of the New Year was upon us. Now for those of you that know me best, you know that I do not partake of any alcoholic beverages. So to say it is one of my least favorite holidays would be a safe assumption.

And who is the first to arrive? Gentle Ben and his heathen family. I greet him warmly with a face full of rock salt "accidentally" thrown in his direction while I am clearing the driveway.

The mighty Voltron seemed to instantly know these were untrustworthy brigands. His hackles raised as they entered. This normally docile creature seemed on the verge of attack until distracted by some jerky.

I will not bore you with the details of the party. Suffice it to say it was entertaining. A Scottish woman in her late 40's fell head first into our bath tub. I found my great friend Dan laying underneath a pinball machine in the unfinished game room, passed out with a glass of wine perfectly balanced upon his chest.

That evening I was stricken with the stomach flu. No restful sleep did I have that night my friends. The ever faithful Voltron remained by my side throughout my ordeal.

The next day Voltron was lethargic, as if he had been struck down with illness. There was no spring in his mighty gait. It was as if the wind had been taken from him. Perhaps he was just tired from staying up rather late the night before I pondered.

As I woke this morning all seemed well with my lifelong companion of 2 months. So when my wife called in hysterics from home I was taken aback. Those of you who are married that know any conversation that begins with "I love you" and has your significant other in tears, is generally something awful. I naturally assumed that mighty Voltron had broken free of his restraints and escaped only to be run down by traffic.

But not so my friends. Not this day. For this was THE day my friends. The day that after three long years my boys have finally decided to swim straight. They received the power up and won the game. There shall be the pitter patter of a little Weave in the not so distant future. My wife was in hysterics. I in shock as I was still dealing with the imagined loss of my dog as well as the news of a new minion to have at my disposal.

Fuck I'm in shock. Long and short it's been about three years. I had surgery to remove varicose veins from my testicles and have been on medication that causes rage and aggression to raise my testosterone. Wife is finally pregnant a week before we were about to start IUI's.

**Sepukku** · 2013-01-02 08:34

CONGRATS!!!

**Sepukku** · 2013-01-02 08:36

Now you'll have two creatures who can't talk and need help pooping.

But at least one of them will turn into a professional ice hockey player.

**Brill Weave** · 2013-01-02 08:37

Originally Posted by Sepukku

But at least one of them will turn into a professional ice hockey player.

So much this.

**Cail** · 2013-01-02 08:38

grats man!

**Qalbert** · 2013-01-02 08:40

Oh so you were using performance enhancing drugs? at least little Asterisk will have an interesting story behind his name

**Qalbert** · 2013-01-02 08:40

grats tho

**Tajin** · 2013-01-02 08:42

Grats

**hey** · 2013-01-02 08:44

Congrats, but what was the point of the first 3/4 of your post?

**AidenCarby** · 2013-01-02 08:47

Grats bro

**Qalbert** · 2013-01-02 08:47

misdirection

**Brill Weave** · 2013-01-02 08:48

I was trying to Shyamalan it.

**Sepukku** · 2013-01-02 08:52

Tries leading the reader into believing Voltron was pregnant with morning sickness.

**Gokulo** · 2013-01-02 08:55

This is not a Tales of thread.

Grats though.

**bluefan** · 2013-01-02 09:04

Congrats.

Now lets start that hockey fund along side the college fund.

**Grey Jorildyn** · 2013-01-02 09:09

Grats Brill!

**Dimmauk** · 2013-01-02 09:13

Congrats on the baby, and my condolences on life as you know it. Everything changes, but having a kid is the absolute best thing. The pain of sleepless nights is washed away with memories of first words and steps. The stench of poop, is replaced with slobbery kisses and baby laughs. Enjoy every moment cause they grow up so fast.

**Brill Weave** · 2013-01-02 09:15

Originally Posted by Derock

No griddle? Son I am disappoint.

I may go buy one today as a celebratory gift to myself!

**Charismatic** · 2013-01-02 09:20

Originally Posted by Gokulo

This is not a Tales of thread.

Glad to see I wasn't the only one very disappointed in that.

**nayaminfenrir** · 2013-01-02 10:04

I was expecting the passed out drunk to do something after he awoke!

Gratz Mr. Father

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