2013-14 NFL Week 7: I lost a sigatar bet :(

[Bregor]

I can't believe that conservative fucking moron punted and TRENT'd his way to losing to the fucking Chargers. FUCK YOU CHUCK PAGANO I HOPE YOU GET CANC-oh welp sorry nevermind.

Even though I have Jonathan Football in the sig for a week or two, at least it means we got this:





Last week
M/L: 11-4
ATS: 6-9

Overall
M/L: 62-30
ATS: 44-45-3

New Orleans at New England (-2.5)

wut

no seriously

the pats are favored at home by 2.5 vs. the saints

did this strike anyone else as surprising? I know the Pats are 4-1, but they've looked quite shitty, and the Saints score a lot.

It's okay, archi, can't win 'em all. New England covered and now I hope all the national Saints talk will stop.


Bye week: New Orleans, Oakland


THURSDAY, OCTOBER 17TH

8:30pm EDT, NFL Network

Seattle at Arizona (+6.5) - Despite a 5-1 record, Seattle isn't exactly impressing me with their performances since they throttled the 49ers in week 2. Right now they're 28th in the league at converting 3rd downs (32.1%) and last week they only had two touchdowns in five red zone trips. The good news is Percy Harvin is "getting really close" according to Pete Carroll, but he just could be listening to some old school jams, and who knows how Harvin will be utilized in the Seahawks offense. For all the credit Seattle gets for being good at home, Arizona has played well in the desert, going 11-4 in their last 15 home games. The Cards were actually leading San Fran into the 2nd quarter, and stayed as close as two points halfway through the 4th. But four turnovers really killed them, it's what you get with Carson Palmer unfortunately. I think this will be a decent game, but I'm probably not watching it because I just moved into a new townhouse and I got shit to unpack. Seahawks win, Cardinals with the points.


SUNDAY, OCTOBER 20TH

1:00pm EDT, CBS

Cleveland at Green Bay (-10) - Now that Cincinnati has taken its rightful spot all alone atop the AFC North, I'm sure Cleland will fade into double-digit loss obscurity. It was a fun ride while it lasted, and Josh Gordon and Jordan Cameron will continue to be exciting to watch. But Brandon Weeden is prone to bonehead turnovers and also can't convert on 3rd down. He's like the worst parts of Eli and AR12 rolled into one shit sandwich. I've said before that I feel like Green Bay is about to go on a tear, but they looked awfully pedestrian against Baltimore. They were held without a touchdown in four red zone trips, and even though I didn't watch most of the game, I'm gonna blame Jermichael Finley. With Cobb and possibly James Jones out for a bit, they've vulnerable, but Cleland just doesn't have the firepower to hang with them. Packers win, Browns with the points.

Cincinnati at Detroit (-3) - Cincy, up 24-10 heading into the 4th quarter, couldn't put Buffalo away until 8 minutes into overtime. I'm sure it's just the usual Marvin Lewis sideshow, but sustaining just one scoring drive to close out a game would be nice. The good news is Gio Bernard (not GIODUDE, you fucking kids and your Pokemans) got 21 touches, even if he did only manage a TRENT-like 1.9 yards per carry. The defense is also stepping it up, they've had 16 sacks in the last four games. I like them to get after Fatt Stafford. Speaking of, Fatt was able to carve up Cleland in the 2nd half, benefitting from good field position and a tired defense. He won't be gifted the same easy task here, but he should get an effective Calvin Johnson back after another week to heal his knee and not being covered by Joe Haden. Maybe I've been underestimating the Lions all season, but I still don't think they're that good. Bengals in the upset.

Buffalo at Miami (-8.5) - Buffalo just can't catch a damn break. Thad Lewis, their 4th choice for starting quarterback, engineers a two-touchdown comeback, and now he's likely limited by a foot injury. IT'S... FLYNNERIN' TIME? There's no chance the offense can have any consistency with this bullshit at quarterback, which only puts more pressure on a young but developing defense. With a week off to collect itself after two bad losses, the Miami Reservoir Tips (seriously that dolphin looks like a fucking winged condom) should be ready. Dannell Ellerbe and Dimitri Patterson are knicked up for the defense, but I really like Tannehill and Lamar Miller to be efficient with the ball. Still, division games tend to be dogfights, so I'll take Miami to win, Buffalo with the points.

New England at NY Jets (+4) - Shit-Ass Tom Brady is tired of being called SATB. That last-minute drive to beat New Orleans was a thing of beauty (even if he did botch two earlier drives). But four of their five wins have been by one score, they really only pulled away from Tampa and that's hardly impressive. They have a really soft schedule until week 12 against Denver, so there's time to fine tune the offense. The Jets are 3-3 thanks to the strength of their solid defense and a few good games from Geno Smith. Unfortunately, last week was not one of those games, and he was inaccurate and the run game stalled. Last year, they hosted the Pats and got slaughtered to the tune of 49-19, but then again, Sanchez. This should be more competitive, but not by much. Patriots win and cover.

San Diego at Jacksonville (+7.5) - I AM NEVER AGAIN BETTING AGAINST PHIL RIVERS! I'VE LEARNED MY LESSON, I SWEAR! IT WAS NORV AND 7-FOOT-TALL RECEIVERS HOLDING HIM BACK ALL THESE YEARS! As for Jacksonville, it's pretty sad when the highlight of your season might be only losing to Denver by 16. I doubt they'll go 0-16 though, so whoever is fading them in Eliminator, beware this game, and maybe home contests against Arizona, Buffalo, and Tennessee. As for this one, PRIVS Chargers win and cover.

1:00pm EDT, FOX

Tampa Bay at Atlanta (-7) - If Jacksonville somehow squeaks out a few wins, Tampa could be the beneficiary. I sincerely believe Greg Schiano is trying to demolish the team from within, and it's working perfectly. To his credit, Mike Glennon looked decent last week, but on the other hand, lolEagles. Usually I like teams coming off a bye, but it just gave Atlanta extra time to sit and mull over three straight tough losses. I know VanGorder is with the Jets now, but this still fits:



To top it all off, JULIO is done for the year, so I think we can pretty much stick a fork in the Falcons. Of course they'll probably go on a tear and finish 8-8, costing themselves draft position. Atlanta wins, Tampa with the points.

Dallas at Philadelphia (-3) - More shitty NFC East bullshit. DALS has everyone injured, but Romo has a 108.6 passer rating right now, which would be a career best. Of course he'll keep it up until "Dallas Cowboys Super Bowl Week, a.k.a. Thanksgiving" and then go in the toilet. The Eagles have three wins, and those opponents are a combined 1-15. DRAM TRAM. Of course Vick is hurt so IT'S FOLESERIN' TIME and they should have a good day with half of DALS's defense ded. Over-55.5 is a ton, but I still like it. As for the game, fuck it, Cowboys in the upset.

Chicago at Washington (-1) - Chicago's defense just ain't what it used to be. Sure, they can catch balls Eli throws right to them, but they surrendered 21 points as the Giants were 7-for-11 on 3rd down. The good news is CUTTY bailed them out with a 106.5 passer rating and 88.9 QBR, what a stud. CUTTY, Forte, and GMarsh should go for 50 against the Washington Native American Tribe of Indeterminate Origin. Things are bleak right now in DC, but they should have a good draft pick to help rebuild the defense or offensive line or nope not at all because of their shitty trade with St. Louis. Dan Snyder, y'all. But when the fan base is more upset with Bob Costas than anyone actually responsible for their misery, they fucking deserve it. Bears in the upset.

St. Louis at Carolina (-6) - For the second week in a row, the Rams put together a complete, impressive football game. Sure, you can blame Schaub's injury, but they had 31-6 lead when Schaub came out, and he's sucked a fat dick lately anyway. The Rams offense still isn't great, but they're doing enough to move the chains, and they get a ton of pressure on the quarterback defensively. Carolina also had a great game last week, but only because they murdered Adrian Peterson's kid. Just kidding. Maybe. Cam Newton played extremely well, and Brandon LaFell finally had a breakout performance. I think St. Louis is a better team right now, but Carolina at home will be a tough out. I'll hedge and take Panthers to win, Rams with the points.

4:05pm EDT, FOX

San Francisco at Tennessee (+4) - Anquan Boldin week 1: 13 catches on 17 targets, 208 yards, 1 touchdown. Five games since: 16 catches on 33 targets, 213 yards, 1 touchdown. That's simply not going to get it done as a number one wideout. Luckily CLICK-CLACK had his own breakout game on Sunday, but they'll need both big receiving options performing in order to sustain and finish drives with touchdowns. A bigger problem might be Aldon Smith, who is rumored to be done for the season ("team sources told ESPN" blah blah blah). Giving up 400 yards to Arizona at home isn't a red flag, but it's not great either. Tennessee held its own in Seattle, thanks mostly to a defensive touchdown. Ryan Fitzpatrick certainly isn't doing them any favors, and Chris Johnson was back to his usual pedestrian self. They just seem like one of those teams that hangs around with good teams, and beats bad teams, but never gets over the hump. And San Fran is a good team. 49ers win, Titans with the points.

4:25pm EDT, CBS

Houston at Kansas City (-6.5) - "How confident are Texans that TJ Yates or Case Keenum can get them win at Chiefs?" is a thing I saw on ESPN. LOL. Andy Reid is going to eat either of those guys for breakfast. And I mean that literally, here is an approximate representation:





Chiefs win and cover.

Baltimore at Pittsburgh (-1.5) - Ballmurr was a dreadful 2-for-14 on 3rd down against Green Bay, and the last time the offense sputtered like this, they fired an offensive coordinator. And still, Joe Flacco just sits alone at his kitchen table, looking at his money. The state of the AFC North is dreadful indeed with how bad Pittsburgh is, how bad Flacco's contract will make Baltimore, and how Cleland is still Cleland. Incoming Bengals dynasty! The Steelers finally got a win last week, and now they're the favorite here? Nah, son. Ravens in the upset.

8:30pm EDT, NBC

Denver at Indianapolis (+6.5) - Denver gewd. Chuck Pagano bad. Broncos win, Colts with the points.


MONDAY, OCTOBER 21ST

8:30pm EDT, ESPN

Minnesota at NY Giants (-3) -



"What an exciting matchup tonight, Mike! Ya got two teams that have had recent success, but THIS season, they have had no success! First off, ya gotta start with the Giants. Only two seasons ago, Super Bowl champs, franchise quarterback Eli Manning, two-time Super Bowl MVP. Ya gotta think with the weapons they have, he'll be fine. Right? Well, think again Mike! He has been a turnover machine this year, he's gotta get it figured out, because they're hurtin'. What they need is some push on the offensive line, they need to get back to that. 'Bulldog! Dogfight! I'm gonna whip the guy who lines up in fronnome!' men-TAL-ity! Because if you can pro-TECT, Eli Manning, you're gonna have success. And we've seen it before. And we'll see it again! And how hard is it on Eli to watch his big brother, Peyton Manning, have so much success in Denver right now. It's gonna make Thanksgiving at the ol' Manning household a little awkward, I bet, Mike!

"On the other side, the Minnesota Vikings, a playoff team last year, a record-breaking season for their star, their stud, their do-everything guy Adrian Peterson. He's off to a decent start this year, on pace for over 1500 yards once again, but he canNOT. Do it. On his own, here! He needs help from the passing game, and they have three guys here, these guys, I like 'em all, Mike. But one of 'em needs to step it up, big time. Or they will continue to flounder in the very tough, very physical NFC North division. And these quarterbacks here are capable of doin' it. I like to compare them to modern musical listening devices. Stay with me here, Mike! You got Matt Cassel, the sturdy, old-school Walkman. It'll play tapes, you can drop it a hundred times and put it back together, and it'll work, but it's never gonna WOW you. Then there's Christian Ponder, he's the MiniDisc format. All the specs look good, all the technology is there, but it just didn't happen and I think right now the coaching staff and the organi-ZAY-tion knows, it's not gonna happen. Then you bring in a guy, Josh Freeman, and this guy is the new thing, Mike, he's the ZUNE. He's all digital, high quality, sleek, sophisticated, he'll do things other guys. Just. Can't. Do! And what THEY need to do is, figure out if he fits what they're tryin' to acc-OMP-lish offensively! Or else the ZUNE! will not work just like it doesn't work against all your iToons and Samsungs and what have you! I dunno, I don't have electronics, you know that, Mike!"

"Anyway, I can't wait to get this started!"



...I hate myself and I want to die. Giants win and cover.

[notorious bum]

*golf clap* That was comedy gold with the Gruden analogies.

[Moss]

Bregs I think your sig needs to feature Johan Football's smug face for maximum impact

[archibaldcrane]

The Bears are laying a point to the Redskins?

What the fuck.

[Mertron]

the over for the eagles cowboys game is only 55.5? someone fetch me my checkbook

[Mertron]

also your impression of gruden lacks him saying THE NATIONAL FOOTBALL LEAGUE so you fail.

[Moss]

Spags what are your thoughts on ole Chip Kelly to this point

[Krandor]

Bregs I think your sig needs to feature Johan Football's smug face for maximum impact

I had thought about this one, but didn't feel like expending the few seconds needed to crop it.

http://images.ftw.usatoday.com/wp-co...ly-594x757.jpg

[Krandor]

I like the Andy Reid photo too, bravo.

[Headspace]

Giodude is happening. Just accept it

[Roranora]

I dunno,


might be worth the crop. And pretty good Grudenramble. That shit is hilarious.

[Abandon]

Giodude is happening. Just accept it

.

[Chun Liroy]

We bout to make foles look like mike vick and drew brees fused together.

Romo gonna have to play another denver game to win.

[Omnipotent]

Pats entire defense is dying. Also When you have Desean on your team, just throw STREAK CITY all day, going to connect every time.

[Tajin]

That was one solid OP /bravo

[Krandor]

We

Inb4rhinox

[Abandon]

NIGGA YOU DONT PLAY FOR THAT TEAM

[Abandon]

there, got it out of the way

[Krandor]

NIGGA YOU DONT PLAY FOR THAT TEAM

[Tajin]

FUCKING LOL