LOL-worthy jokes

[Dank]

No rules, unlike the image thread. Sorry if there is already one, I didn't see it.

This is one of my favorite jokes:

Three explorers are captured by a tribe in the Amazon jungle. The chief is going to punish the intruders. He calls the first explorer to the front of the tribe and asks, "Death or Booka?!". Well the explorer doesn't want to die, so he opts for booka. The tribe starts screaming BOOKA! and dancing around. the chief then rips the explorers pants off and fucks him in the ass.

The chief calls the second explorer to the front and asks, "Death or Booka?!". Well not wanting to die either, he opts for booka. The tribe again starts screaming BOOKA! and dancing around. The chief rips the second guys pants off and fucks him in the ass.

The chief calls the third explorer to the front and asks, "Death or Booka?!". Well the third guy has a little more self respect and thinks death would be better than being violated in front of hundreds of tribesmen, so he opts for death. The chief turns to the tribe and screams "DEATH BY BOOKA!"

[Kuya]

I fucking hate you...

[Anyway]

What do you call 2 blacks on a bike?


Organized crime!






Seriously though, I'm not racist. I own a color tv.

[Byrd]

A guy is having sex with his girlfriend and decides he's in a rut, so he flips her over and goes to put it in her ass.

"That's mighty presumptuous of you!" she says.

He responds, "That's a mighty big word for a ten-year old!"

(P.S. if you're playing the game, you just lost it)

[Dank]

I fucking hate you...

k?

[Siegtaru]

Ok ok ok

3 guys are driving on a long country road on their way to the city. Their car breaks down, and they're stuck in front of some old fruit farm.

They go in to ask for some assistance. Living on this farm is an old man and his daughter who is extremely attractive. They ask to use the phone, and the old man says sure. They use the phone, and help would be there in a day. It was getting dark, so they asked if they could stay the night. The old man agreed, but he warned them that if ANY of them slept with his daughter and he found out, they'd be in deep shit. They all agreed, but couldn't resist and they all slept with his daughter.

The next morning, the Old Man was furious (he could hear them all night long) and told them that they were now going to pay. He told each of them to go pick 100 of their favourite fruit. The 3 guys looked a little confused, and did as they were told. The first one to come back with his fruits had picked 100 apples. The old man now told him to shove each and every one of those apples up his ass without flinching or he would blow his head off with his shotgun. The poor guy got to 50 before he winced and had his head blown clear off.

The 2nd guy saw what was going on, and decided to pick 100 cherries, since they were small. He got back and played the old man's twisted game. He was up to 96, 97, 98, 99... and all of a sudden, he broke into an insane laughter. The old man said "Damn, and you were doing so good too. Why did you start laughing?" the guy contained his laughter for a second and said "The 3rd guy is picking watermelons."

[Tyche]

This one's visual:

Why did jesus get all the chicks...
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Cuz he was hung like this

http://img183.imageshack.us/img183/8424/project2hv9.jpg

It's my dick in a box!

[Devek]

Would of been better if you just had a bow on it instead of a box.

[Tyche]

the smallest bows cover the whole thing up

[melbufrauma]

What's the difference between Jesus Christ and an oil painting?

You only need one nail to hold up a picture.

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esus Christ walks into a hotel. He hands the inkeeper three nails and asks...

"Can you put me up for the night?"
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Why can't Jesus play football?

He wears illegal headgear.
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Why can't Jesus eat M&M's?

They keep falling through his hands.
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What's funnier than a dead baby?

A dead baby in a clown costume!
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How do you make a dead baby float?

Take your foot off of it's head.
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What's the difference between a dead baby and a trampoline?

When you jump on a trampoline, you take your boots off.
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What do you call a dead baby with no arms and no legs in the middle of the ocean?

Fucked.

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[Helpoemer]

here's the 2 jokes i'm probably most famous for telling ppl =P


What's brown and sticky?

A stick!





Why did the first elephant fall out of the tree?
Because it was dead.

Why did the second elephant fall out of the tree?
It was glued to the first one.

Why did the third elephant fall out of the tree?
It thought it was a game.

Why did the tree fall?
It thought it was an elephant.

[chellebell]

Q: How is a blackman different than Batman?

























A: Batman can go in a store without Robin.

[finale23]

Woman Jokes Collection

Eleven people were clinging precariously to a wildly swinging rope suspended from a crumbling outcropping on Mount Everest. Ten were female, one was a male. As a group they decided that one of the party should let go. If that didn't happen the rope would break and everyone would perish. For an agonizing few moments no one volunteered. Finally the male gave a truly touching speech saying he would sacrifice himself to save the lives of the others. The females applauded.

Q. Why haven't they sent any women to the moon? A. Because it doesn't need cleaning yet. Submitted by Tom.

Two reasons why a blonde can't drive: 1. she can't reach the steering wheel from the back seat. 2. she thinks the steering wheels a clothes rack.

Married men live longer than single men, but married men are a lot more willing to die.

Any married man can forget his past mistakes, there's no reason for two people to keep track of the same things.

A woman marries a man expecting him to change, and he doesn't. A man marries a woman expecting her not to change and she does.

A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

Women never have anything to wear. Don't question the racks of clothes in the closet; you 'just don't understand'.

Women need to cry. And they won't do it alone unless they know you can hear them.

Women will always ask questions that have no right answer, in an effort to trap you into feeling guilty.

Women love to talk. Silence intimidates them and they feel a need to fill it, even if they have nothing to say.

Women can't keep secrets. They eat away at them from the inside. And they don't view it as being untrustworthy, providing they only tell two or three people.

Women think all beer is the same.

If a man goes on a seven-day trip, he'll pack five days worth of clothes and will wear some things twice; if a woman goes on a seven-day trip she'll pack 21 outfits because she doesn't know what she'll feel like wearing each day.

Women are never wrong. Apologizing is the man's responsibility, 'It's there in the Bible'. Hmmm, who was it that gave Adam the apple?

Women do not know anything about cars. 'Oil-stick, oil doesn't stick?'

The average number of items in a typical woman's bathroom is 437. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.

Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.

Women love to talk on the phone. A woman can visit her girlfriend for two weeks, and upon returning home, she will call the same friend and they will talk for three hours.

A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, or get the mail.

Women will drive miles out of their way to avoid the possibility of getting lost using a shortcut.

Women will make three right-hand turns to avoid making one left-hand turn.

Women cannot use a map without turning the map to correspond to the direction that they are heading.

If it is not Valentines day and you see a man in a flower shop, you can probably start up a conversation by asking, 'What did you do?' Only women understand the reason for 'guest towels' and the 'good china'.

Women will spend hours dressing up to go out, and then they'll go out and spend more time checking out other women. Men can never catch women checking out other men; women will always catch men checking out other women.

The most embarrassing thing for women is to find another woman wearing the same dress at a formal party. You don't hear men say, 'Oh-my-GOD, there's another man wearing a black tux, get me out of here!'

A man is walking down a beach, and accidentally kicks a bottle out of the sand. He opens the bottle, and a genie appears. The genie said, "I am so grateful to get out of that bottle that I will grant you one wish. I can only grant one." The man thought for a while and finally said, "I have always wanted to go to Hawaii. I've never been able to go because airplanes are much too frightening for me and boats make me seasick. So I wish for a road to be built from here to Hawaii." The genie thought for a few minutes and said, "No, I can't do it. Imagine all the work involved. All the piling to hold up the highway needed and all the pavement. Ask for something else." "Well," the man said. "I would like to be able to understand women. What makes them laugh and cry, why are they temperamental, why are they so difficult to get along with. Basically, what makes them tick." The genie considered this for a couple of minutes and said, "So, do you want that road two lanes or four?"

One bright, beautiful Sabbath morning everyone in the tiny Midwestern town got up early and went to the local church. Before the services started the towns people were sitting in their pews when suddenly Satan appeared at the front of the church. Everyone started screaming and running for the exit, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from the evil incarnate. Soon everyone evacuated from the church except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew. He was not moving and seemed oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence.

Now, this confused and irritated the Devil a little bit, so he walked up to the man and said, "Don't you know who I am?" "Yep, sure do," replied the elderly gentleman. Satan asked, "Aren't you afraid of me?" "Nope, sure ain't ," the gentleman replied. Satan, a little more perturbed at this, asked, "Why aren't you afraid of me?" The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for 48 years."

In a transatlantic flight, a plane passes through a severe storm. The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing is struck by lightning. One woman in particular loses it. Screaming, she stands up in the front of the plane. "I'm too young to die!" she wails. Then she yells, "Well, if I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on Earth to be memorable! Is there ANYONE on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN??" For a moment there is silence. Everyone has forgotten their own peril, and they all stare, riveted, at the desperate woman in the front of the plane. Then, a man stands up in the rear of the plane. "I can make you feel like a woman," he says. He's gorgeous. Tall, built, with black hair and jet black eyes, he starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt one button at a time. No one moves. The woman is breathing heavily in anticipation as the stranger approaches. He removes his shirt. Muscles ripple across his chest as he reaches her, and extends the arm holding his shirt to the trembling woman, and whispers, "Here. Iron this."

This blonde went on a tour of an alligator swamp and then she decided to go buy some original alligator skin boots. She went to every store but they were all to expensive. She asked the assistant if there were any cheaper ones but he said no. So she said," I'll just go make my own" Later that day the store assitant was driving down the road, when he saw the blonde. She was up to her waist in the swamp wrestling with a 9 ft alligator. He was amazed. She dragged the alligator out of the water, flipped him over by the other 3 alligators and screamed,"This ones not wearing any boots either".

How many men does it take to open a can of pop? None. It should be open when the woman gives it to you.

Bachelors should be heavily taxed. It's not fair that some men should be happier than others.

A lady was lost in her car in a bad snow storm. She remembered what her dad had once told her. If you ever get stuck in a snow storm, wait for a snow plow and follow it. Pretty soon a snow plow came by and she started to follow it. She followed the plow for about 45 minutes. Finally the driver of the snow plow got out and asked what she was doing. She explained that her dad had told her that if she ever got stuck in the snow, to follow a plow. The driver nodded, and said, "Well I'm through with the Wal- mart lot, now you can follow me over to the K-mart."

A woman reported the disappearance of her husband to the police. The officer in charge looked at the photograph she handed him, questioned her, and then asked if she wished to give her husband any message if they found him. "Yes," she quickly replied. "Tell him...Mother didn't come after all."

Josh was helping Sally clean out the trunk of her car. Inside, he noticed a bag labeled "Emergency Repair Kit." Looking at it a little closer, he noticed a stick of dynamite inside. Thinking that was a bit strange, he asked Sally what it was for. She said, "It's part of my emergency repair kit." Josh said, "I can see that, but why?" Sally replied, "In case I have a flat and need to blow up one of my tires."

Sarah was reading a newspaper, while her husband was engrossed in a magazine. Suddenly, she burst out laughing. "Listen to this," she said. "There's a classified ad here where a guy is offering to swap his wife for a season ticket to the stadium." "Hmmm," her husband said, not looking up from his magazine. Teasing him, Sarah said, "Would you swap me for a season ticket?" "Absolutely not," he said. "How sweet," Sarah said. "Tell me why not." "Season's more than half over," he said.

Q: Why can't women drive? A: There ain't no road between the kitchen and the bedroom!

Q: Why doon't women need watches? A: Duh!! There's a clock on the stove.

Q: Why did the woman cross the road? A: Forget that, why is she out of the kitchen?!!

Q: What does it mean when your wife serves you breakfast in bed? A: You made her chain too long!!

Q: How many women does it take to change a light bulb? A: None..let her cook in the dark!!....Kelly.

There weree three women walking on a beach and they find a bottle laying in the sand they rub it and a genie pops out. The genie says ill give you all 1 wish. The first women thinks and says I wish I was the smartest women in the world. The genie say poof ok wish granted your the smartest women in the world. The next women says I want to be ten times smarter than the smartest women in the world. The genie says poof wish granted. The next women thinks then says I wish I was one-hundred times smarter than the women ten times smarter than the smartest women in the world. The genis says poof and makes her a man.

[Kuya]

I love you.

[Axil]

You ever lay awake at night, spoonin with your girlfriend? Rubbin your hard cock up against that 16 year old ass...

[Devek]

Pics or it didn't happen!

[finale23]

Scoring System for men and women
http://www.avolites.org.uk/jokes/scoring.htm

For thousands of years, men have tried to understand the rules when dealing with women. Finally, this merit - demerit guide will help you to understand just how it works. Remember, in the world of romance, one single rule applies: Make the woman happy.

Do something she likes, and you get points.
Do something she dislikes and points are subtracted.
You don't get any points for doing something she expects.
Sorry, that's the way the game is played.
Here is a guide to the points system:

SIMPLE DUTIES

You make the bed..............................................+ 1
You make the bed, but forget to add the decorative pillows....-1
You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets...................-1
You leave the toilet seat up..................................-5
You replace the toilet paper roll when it is empty............ 0
When the toilet paper roll is barren, you resort to Kleenex...-1
When the Kleenex runs out you use the next bathroom...........-2
You go out to buy her extra-light panty liners with wings.....+5
in the snow.............................................. .....+8
but return with beer..........................................-5
and no liners............................................ ....-25
You check out a suspicious noise at night.....................+2
You check out a suspicious noise and it is nothing............ 0
You check out a suspicious noise and it is something..........+5
You pummel it with a six iron................................+10
It's her cat............................................... ..-50

AT THE PARTY

You stay by her side the entire party......................... 0
You stay by her side for a while then go to chat with a friend from school............................................ .......-2
Named Tiffany........................................... ......-4
Tiffany is now a dancer......................................-10
With breast implants.........................................-18

HER BIRTHDAY

You remember her birthday............................... 0
You buy a card and flowers.............................. 0
You take her out to dinner.............................. 0
You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar....+1
It is a sports bar......................................-2
And it's all-you-can-eat night..........................-3
And your face is painted the colors of your favorite team.............................................. .....-10

A NIGHT OUT WITH THE BOYS

You go out with a pal............................... 0
The pal is happily married..........................+1
The pal is single...................................-7
He drives a Ferrari................................-10
With a personalized license plate (GR8 NBED).......-15

A NIGHT OUT WITH HER

You take her to a movie...................................+2
You take her to a movie she likes.........................+4
You take her to a movie you hate..........................+6
You take her to a movie you like..........................-2
It's called Death Cop III.................................-3
Which features Cyborgs that eat humans....................-9
You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans....-15

YOUR PHYSIQUE

You develop a noticeable pot belly...........................,.-15
You develop a noticeable pot belly & exercise to get rid of it.+10
You resort to loose jeans and baggy Hawaiian shirts............-30
You say, "It doesn't matter, you have one too."...............-800

THE BIG QUESTION

She asks, "Does this dress make me look fat?"
You hesitate in responding......................-10
You reply, "Where?".............................-35
You reply, "No, I think it's your ass".........-100
Any other response..............................-20

COMMUNICATION

When she wants to talk about a problem:
You listen, displaying a concerned expression.....................0
You listen, for over 30 minutes..................................+5
You relate to her problem and share a similar experience......,..+50
You're mind wanders to sports and you suddenly hear her saying "well, what do you think I should do?".........................-100
You have fallen asleep.........................................-200

IT'S THAT TIME OF THE MONTH.......

You talk.........................................-100
You don't talk...................................-150
You spend time with her..........................-200
You don't spend time with her....................-500

[Anyway]

There was a perfect man who met a perfect woman. After a perfect courtship, they had a perfect wedding. Their life together was, of course, perfect.

One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve, this perfect couple was driving a perfect car along a winding road when they noticed someone at the roadside in distress. Being the perfect couple, they stopped to help.

There stood Santa Claus with a huge bundle of toys. Not wanting to disappoint any children on the eve of Christmas, the perfect couple loaded Santa and his toys into their vehicle. Soon they were driving along delivering the toys.

Unfortunately, the driving conditions deteriorated and the perfect couple and Santa Claus had an accident. Only one of them survived the accident.

Who was the survivor?

The perfect woman, of course. She's the only one that really existed in the first place. Everyone knows there is no Santa Claus and there is no such thing as a perfect man. Women stop reading here. This is the end of the joke.
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So, if there is no perfect man and no Santa Claus, the perfect woman must have been driving. And that explains why there was a car accident. By the way, if you're a woman and you're reading this, this illustrates another point: Women never listen, either.

[Headspace]

What do millions of battered wives a year have in common?
- They don't know when to shut the fuck up.


What does the battered wife do when she comes home from the clinic?
- The dishes, if she knows what's good for her.

[Devek]

Since this is turning into a misogynist thread..

Whats the difference between a woman and a toilet seat?

A toilet seat doesn't follow you around after you shit on it.