Step-parenting 101

[kuronosan]

Here's a nice topic of discussion for all you BGers out there.

Since the economy sucks and I haven't finished my degree, I'm forced to live at home until I can get a job that allows me to rent my own place. My stepmother annoys me to no end because she always gets her way and is emotionally unstable, so if you disagree and yell at her she breaks down and my father jumps to her side and gets on my case.

On top of that, my girlfriend is tired of it (and she is also disrespected by the stepmother) and is at odds with her on a regular basis. My father tells me I should tell my girlfriend to basically STFU and take it out of respect for them.

My stance is that since my stepmother condescends to both of us, is judgmental, and is completely disrespectful to the two of us (on top of being a McCainer, "devout" Christian (read: hypocrite), that she deserves neither my respect nor my sympathy.

My father's stance is that you don't ever disrespect someone (read: her) or treat them bad just because they've wronged you or continue to wrong you. You should be civil.

He claims that my girlfriend is driving a wedge in our family, and I say that it's my stepmother and his need to not die alone that's driving the wedge.

This brings us to the topic. Besides the obvious question of who is right or wrong in this situation, how do you guys feel the appropriate way for a step-parent to act is? I've been planning to move out for a while now and since I lost my main job and only have my part-time job now those plans have to be put on hold.

My father, in the meantime, keeps trying to guilt me and tell me I need to set my girlfriend straight... but I agree with her completely.

Do you guys think a step-parent should just get away with whatever they want because it's "their" house (read: her house and my father just lives there even though they're married) or should they attempt to treat people with a measure of respect and not expect anything in return until they do?

And, to compound further on that, am I in the wrong, is my girlfriend in the wrong, is my father being a douche, or does my stepmother need to stop acting like everyone else is beneath her and never does anything wrong?

Last bit of info, in case anyone suggests a sit-down talk: Any time we sit down to talk to her about what the problem is, she simply replies "Sorry I don't see it that way" and never concedes that she is being disrespectful or condescending no matter what. My father is exactly the same way and says that he doesn't want to have to never see me but if it preserves his relationship with her and my girlfriend and her can't get along then that's how it has to be.

Discuss.

[pohibaba]

Do you guys think a step-parent should just get away with whatever they want because it's "their" house (read: her house and my father just lives there even though they're married) or should they attempt to treat people with a measure of respect and not expect anything in return until they do?

Obviously, a step-parent should be respectful to other people, but that's simply because people should be respectful to everyone else as long as they're not shown disrespect. With that said:

And, to compound further on that, am I in the wrong, is my girlfriend in the wrong, is my father being a douche, or does my stepmother need to stop acting like everyone else is beneath her and never does anything wrong?

Are you paying rent? Are you paying for all of the food you eat? Are you paying for all of your other bills (car/electricity/cable/etc.)? If the answer to any of these is no, then yes: shut your mouth and put up with it for now. If they're being nice enough to let you live there (and yes, if you're over 18 then it's a privilege to live there) then you need to be nice enough to not whine about what you have to deal with.

[kuronosan]

I keep offering to pay rent or for anything at all and my father tells me not to bother because I should save my money (he doesn't take my money).

Then he'll turn around and say I'm ungrateful because I don't pay rent.

[Correction]

Suck it up tough guy, it's not your house. Even if you were paying rent, it's not your house. Dad gives you shit about your girlfriend give him the glass houses argument and lock your doors.

Moving out is awesome.

[kuronosan]

Glass houses argument?

[NotGreyheim]

Glass houses argument?

Shouldn't talk smack about your gal when he's pretty much in love with a psychopathic cow.

[Metah]

Are you paying rent? Are you paying for all of the food you eat? Are you paying for all of your other bills (car/electricity/cable/etc.)? If the answer to any of these is no, then yes: shut your mouth and put up with it for now. If they're being nice enough to let you live there (and yes, if you're over 18 then it's a privilege to live there) then you need to be nice enough to not whine about what you have to deal with.

This is the correct answer. If you want to move out, do so when you're more stable. Tell your girlfriend just to put up with it for now, if your girlfriend has any sensibility she will oblige. I mean, its not like you have to put up with it forever. Its just a temporary thing.

That said, the whole "if your over 18 its a privilege to live there" is an American/Canadian mindset and a stupid one at that.

[Tyche]

My stance is that since my stepmother condescends to both of us, is judgmental, and is completely disrespectful to the two of us (on top of being a McCainer, "devout" Christian (read: hypocrite), that she deserves neither my respect nor my sympathy.

Ironically, there is much hypocrisy in this paragraph.

[Nirokun!]

Threaten not to support him in old age, and that kicking you out now will result in a waste of a massive investment. Money > Feelings. Then offer to pay for more things to show you're rational. Be the most fucking upstanding citizen and steer clear of talking to bitches. Had a run in with this kind of thing recently~

My father basically asked me if I wanted to move his car after (him) blocking me in so I couldn't go to school (this was after an 8hr day at the hospital at the end of the week.) I said "No, I'm tired" so he moved it and I left to go back to school for another 4? hours to work on a paper. I come back and he's pissed off about me not moving his car. Basically it got down to him saying "I want to know what's so goddamn hard about moving a goddamn car" and I said "That's what I'd like to know" (hah~) and he exploded. It was funny because, as a person, he's stupid, and I called him on his shit. He tells me about how his life is so hard and how he wants to retire (early 50's here) and doesn't live the life he wants to live (and never worked for.) He doesn't work hard, he comes home and gloats about how he gets paid (whatever he gets paid an hour managing people who fix helicopters on base) for an hour of work, then the other hours he talks shit and plays xbox. He also throws in shit about how there isn't food on the table when he gets home (how is this my fault?) and basically bitches about his life at length, none of it having to do with me except the original point, which he was wrong about to begin with. With the cars, you don't park behind people (and block them in) if they have to go to school/work, otherwise you have to move them when they have to go. If its using the car to go somewhere for pleasure, you dont inconvenience other people by making them move for your outing. He just wants his cake and to eat it too, and bitch to everyone else about how there isnt another cake behind it.

Blah blah blah, fuck everybody else. Don't talk to people who dont like you, dont do shit to aggrevate them to begin with. Defend your point like an adult. Kicking you out results in a loss of a massive investment when you in turn, disown them in old age. Even better if you've demonstrated that you can do it (which I already have (*'-').)

tl;dr. Nirokun is not a forgiving person.

Why not spend more time with your girlfriend's parents?

[Stumblingdrunk]

My stepmother annoys me to no end because she always gets her way and is emotionally unstable, so if you disagree and yell at her she breaks down

If disagreeing with her means you have to yell at her, it might be a bit quick to call her the emotionally unstable one.

On top of that, my girlfriend is tired of it (and she is also disrespected by the stepmother) and is at odds with her on a regular basis. My father tells me I should tell my girlfriend to basically STFU and take it out of respect for them.

You conveniently left out any details regarding how your girlfriend is being disrespectful. If, and i'm assuming this because of the christian comment, your step mother finds the fact the your girlfriend lives with you morally offensive, she has every right to believe what she does, and you have no right to flaunt your dissaproval of her beliefs in her house. You're damn lucky your girlfriend is allowed there in the first place.

on top of being a McCainer, "devout" Christian (read: hypocrite), that she deserves neither my respect nor my sympathy.

Seriously? i hate religious people probably even more than Neo, and even i wouldn't say something like this

My father's stance is that you don't ever disrespect someone (read: her) or treat them bad just because they've wronged you or continue to wrong you. You should be civil.

To wrongs don't make a right ring any bells?

He claims that my girlfriend is driving a wedge in our family, and I say that it's my stepmother and his need to not die alone that's driving the wedge.

Sorry to bring ya down, but your girlfriend clearly is driving a wedge in your family, be it intentional or not, she is. You are not going to change your step mother, and she does not have to change for you. If for whatever reason your stepmother disapproves of her than yes, she is the problem. There is no reason why they need to let her live with them, and no reason why the two of you can't live in separate residences while times are tough. By the way this is the part of your post that makes you come off as an self centered twat the most. "his need not to die alone"? do you really think this little of your father? i have no idea why he lets you live there if this is what you think about him and how you speak to him.

This brings us to the topic. Besides the obvious question of who is right or wrong in this situation, how do you guys feel the appropriate way for a step-parent to act is? I've been planning to move out for a while now and since I lost my main job and only have my part-time job now those plans have to be put on hold.

You are clearly in the wrong here and your step mother has every right to act as a parent, in this situation, whether you choose to accept her in that role or not, it is the one she finds herself in. she is not some chick your father is banging, she is your stepmother, show a little respect.

My father, in the meantime, keeps trying to guilt me and tell me I need to set my girlfriend straight... but I agree with her completely.

again.. without details really nothing to say here

Do you guys think a step-parent should just get away with whatever they want because it's "their" house (read: her house and my father just lives there even though they're married) or should they attempt to treat people with a measure of respect and not expect anything in return until they do?

without examples, i find it hard to believe based on what you've said, that there is signifcant disrespect going on.

And, to compound further on that, am I in the wrong, is my girlfriend in the wrong, is my father being a douche, or does my stepmother need to stop acting like everyone else is beneath her and never does anything wrong?

She's a christian, its their nature.

[kuronosan]

Tyche, please explain to me what you mean. I understand that my comments seem hypocritical but they're really specified about her and not about anyone like her. If it seemed like a sweeping generalization I apologize.

Also, Niro, I do go over her house and spend time with her mother (her parents are divorced too). The judgmental stepmother comment is really about her and my father's comments about my girlfriend's mother. She isn't perfect yet my parents make negative remarks about her (if her mother does that then what's to say she won't) yet they've both done some reprehensible things. You guys remember the whole co-worker fiasco. We worked through that and we communicate so much more fluidly now with much more respect in our relationship.

My father's relationships are all dysfunctional at best. He gets mad because I spend more time with her and her family and not him and his wife. Whenever I say they're being ridiculous he always says things like "yea well I bet her mother says this to you and you don't react the same" to which I respond "except her mother doesn't say things like that", which pisses him off.

My girlfriend's mom might do annoying things, but she treats me with respect that my stepmother couldn't even dream of doling out to people. I don't agree with what she does half the time (most of the time) and she argues with my girlfriend alot, sure, but at least she gives my girlfriend and I the privacy we ask for without making judgments.

If it helps, they are Russian born and raised.

An example of what happens, typically:

a) Her mother
"How are things with you guys?"
"Fine."
"Great, and what are you doing tonight?"
"Going out. Be back later."
"Okay, well don't be out late."
"Okay, enough already, we'll be fine. "

b) Stepmother
"How are you guys?"
"Fine."
"Just fine? What are you up to? Going out to dinner? Going out dancing? Staying in? Watching a movie?"
"Just going to stay in tonight."
"Cool what are you going to do? Study? Relax? Watch TV? Watch a movie?"
"Just gonna study."
"Cool, got a test then?"
"Yea."
*10 minutes later*
"So what are you studying for?"

Rinse and repeat several times and that is why we don't like talking to her and why my girlfriend is at her wit's end (I've had to put up with it for years).

[Ddz]

You're living in her house; suck it up or -> imo

[Tyche]

It seemed as if you were disrespecting her political and religious beliefs. Asking for respect while disrespecting a fundamental staple in one's life is absolutely unfair. If you weren't trying to do that, then I was wrong, but you certainly came off that way.

[Stumblingdrunk]

b) Stepmother
"How are you guys?"
"Fine."
"Just fine? What are you up to? Going out to dinner? Going out dancing? Staying in? Watching a movie?"
"Just going to stay in tonight."
"Cool what are you going to do? Study? Relax? Watch TV? Watch a movie?"
"Just gonna study."
"Cool, got a test then?"
"Yea."
*10 minutes later*
"So what are you studying for?"

Rinse and repeat several times and that is why we don't like talking to her and why my girlfriend is at her wit's end (I've had to put up with it for years).

Well now i'm on your side, small talk is rough.

[kuronosan]

If disagreeing with her means you have to yell at her, it might be a bit quick to call her the emotionally unstable one.

I don't yell. Neither does my girlfriend. It's a general statement.

You conveniently left out any details regarding how your girlfriend is being disrespectful. If, and i'm assuming this because of the christian comment, your step mother finds the fact the your girlfriend lives with you morally offensive, she has every right to believe what she does, and you have no right to flaunt your dissaproval of her beliefs in her house. You're damn lucky your girlfriend is allowed there in the first place.

She doesn't live with us. She comes over every once in a while, and I spend time at her house when I have free time. Also, they feel she is being disrespectful because when my stepmother decides to be rude, condescending, or a combination of jerk-like behavior and my girlfriend gets mad, my girlfriend chooses to voice her opinion rather than let it slide.

Sorry to bring ya down, but your girlfriend clearly is driving a wedge in your family, be it intentional or not, she is. You are not going to change your step mother, and she does not have to change for you. If for whatever reason your stepmother disapproves of her than yes, she is the problem. There is no reason why they need to let her live with them, and no reason why the two of you can't live in separate residences while times are tough. By the way this is the part of your post that makes you come off as an self centered twat the most. "his need not to die alone"? do you really think this little of your father? i have no idea why he lets you live there if this is what you think about him and how you speak to him.

I don't think that little of my father. Those were his own words. I think highly of my father, but ever since he's married this woman his hair has gone gray, he's gained about 100lbs, he eats out almost every other night because she doesn't want his cooking (and apparently eating out is healthier and cheaper than eating in), and he treats me with less and less respect each passing year (And I've only been with my girlfriend for a year, so this has been a problem since before we were seeing each other). This is his third marriage, and he acted this same way with his previous wife. Once he was divorced and living with me, he was personable and treated me and my opinions with respect. We valued each others' input and depended on each other like roommates and best friends. I wasn't a "know-it-all", I was a "can teach me a thing or two".

Once he met someone else again, he stopped listening to me and my input and I became the "idiot who thinks he knows it all" again who is coming between him and his love (when he said he'd never get married again). I don't know where you're getting the whole idea of her living with us. If my girlfriend lived with us, this wouldn't be a problem as no self-respecting man in my family would live at home and with his girlfriend. I wouldn't allow it.

Need examples

Okay, to clue you in:

1) She put a McCain sign on the front lawn despite my father's objections, and when I asked if I could put an Obama sign out front, she said no because he's an evil muslim terrorist and that a sign would be put out there over her dead body.

2) If I so much as leave one hair on the sink or one towel on the floor or one mug on the counter or one crumb on the table or the toilet seat isn't down, she will complain every single time. She leaves the seat up, doesn't clean up her messes, dirties up everything, and leaves my father to clean up the mess.

3) She has the gall to judge my girlfriend's mother when she has no room to talk, and then she talks about my girlfriend while she is in the room, in the 3rd person. Want an example? "Hey, what's she going to school for?" "She's sitting right next to me, why don't you ask her?" She has done this to everyone, and it's not just us.

4) She asks intrusive questions, makes very rude remarks, and condescends to people like waitresses, servers, etc, because they didn't do exactly what she want when she wanted it, and talks to them like they aren't even human. She also hates pets (my father loves them, but she won't let him have any). So what was the judgmental comment?

5) She actually said that my girlfriend's mother is a worse person than her for making the mistakes she has made, even though my stepmother has made substantially worse mistakes. She said this. But then she complains when my girlfriend says that she doesn't respect her as a person (but does respect her because she is her elder).

6) She constantly pushes my cat around because of said hatred of pets, even if the cat is absolutely nowhere near her.

7) I use my money to buy my own food, since they refuse to eat healthy (and I spent a lot of years losing 100lbs, I'm not trying to get fat), and then she eats it. Then, when I eat something because I have nothing to eat (since she ate it) she bitches that I ate her food and now she has nothing to eat.

8) She won't let my father dance certain dances with other women, and has even gone so far as to refer to my mother (his first ex-wife) as "that person" and his other ex-wife as "that woman" because they are "less than a person for treating him bad", yet it's unacceptable that my girlfriend doesn't respect her as a person.

9) She continues to start arguments with my father despite the fact that he is stressed out because it's more important to her to talk about her and what's bothering her than it is for my father's well-being to be taken into account. If my father wants to go out somewhere with me, and she doesn't want him to go, she literally stomps her feet until he stays behind so that she doesn't cry. Yes, she really will literally cry.

10) I can go on forever, but I'll leave you with this one. I can't confide in my father about anything going on in my life because if I tell him not to tell her because I want to keep it between us, she guilts him by saying he lied to her by not telling her.

It seemed as if you were disrespecting her political and religious beliefs. Asking for respect while disrespecting a fundamental staple in one's life is absolutely unfair. If you weren't trying to do that, then I was wrong, but you certainly came off that way.

No, you misunderstood (partially) and it's okay. Let me elaborate for you. If she says she likes McCain and supports him, I remain silent. I said I support Obama, and she says "Why he's a muslim terrorist that's stupid. I hope he doesn't win, then we'll be governed by terrorists" and then my father joins in and corners me by asking questions about why I support Obama, and every response was shot down by "see you don't know what you're talking about". That's the political side of things.

On the religious spectrum, her actions are so blatantly un-christian-like it's hilarious. She goes to church (once in a while) and claims to be a good christian, but then says that Jews, Muslims (especially), Homos, etc, should all burn in hell because they're not as important as Christians are.

Yea.

Well now i'm on your side, small talk is rough.

I really need to stop multi-edits but I don't want to do multiple posts.

Basically, once it gets to a boiling point, my girlfriend gets angry and says "Come on if you paid attention you would have heard what we just said". My stepmother doesn't really listen to what you are telling her. She just waits for the right moment where she gets to talk and then starts talking. And she constantly interrupts when you finally get enough patience to explain to her what she was asking for.

[AoE]

My step-mom's sorta like that. Whenever I'm at my dad's house, she always has something to say about whatever's on her mind and it's annoying. She's from the south so although they don't go to church, given the things she says, I know her morals are inline with Baptist beliefs (I consider myself non-religious). Also being that she's older and was raised from the south, I'm reluctant to bring up my g/f (who's white) because I know she'll have something to say (unfortunately a lot of older black people aren't too keen on interracial dating even if they tell you they accept it.) Despite how annoyed I get with certain things she asks, I stay as respectful as possible because it's not my house and sometimes I need to stay over so I'm not gonna do anything to fuck that up for myself and my dad's pretty awesome so I don't want to put him in a situation to make him choose.

I live with my mom still and I used to think she was the biggest bitch in my teenage years but now that I'm older, I accept her rules and just do what she asks since being in school leaves me unable to really contribute much. She's not as bad as she used to be and we get along pretty well now. Occasionally we argue about something and I feel I'm right but eventually I shut-up because in the end, she obviously feels she's right and you gotta know sometimes when to be the bigger person and let them "win" just so you can keep functioning.

Just think when you finally end up on your own, you can own her ass with religious arguments til she escorts herself out from having her mind blown at your ignorance. ;p

Edit - Just read your last post with all the details. All I can really say is hang in there? Should buy your dad a shirt that says Bros before Hoes.

[Stumblingdrunk]

This is why details are important, you come off as a decent person in the latter post, the first one, not so much.

[Devek]

Is she hot?

[Shuemue]

OP is a selfish cunt imo

Move out if you don't like it there.

[kuronosan]

No.

edit: Yes, Shue, I'm so selfish I let my father max out my credit cards and fuck up my credit because it was more important to him to impress his girlfriend before he married her than it was to be responsible.

Piss off if you have no constructive criticism to offer. I don't need trolls.

edit: To further compound the stupidity of your post, he told me that because he's paying for cellphone or other things, that he wasn't paying me back but that he'd pay off one of my cards (around $2000 of debt) for me because it was his fault.

I paid almost all of it off myself by borrowing money from my mother and by using part of my student loans because my father can't manage money right. Now when he asks if I need his help I tell him no because he's not dependable. I do it myself, which is why I refuse their help and why I want to move out.

Any time he does something for me he hangs it over my head. Nevermind that he screwed up my credit (almost permanently), he's giving me a place to live and I should be happy.